License to Wed

Hey.

Bye!

Bouquet? Bouquet.

Beautiful, isn't it?

But let me tell you the truth.

For a lot of people, marriage is like

sticking your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

It looks like fun when you see

friends doing it, so you say:

"Hey, I'll give it a try.

Just once. "

Next thing you know, you're stuck.

Full of regret.

Praying, "Please get me

out of this with my dignity...

...if least not my extremities, intact. "

But it doesn't have to be

like that, my friends.

It does not have to be like that.

That's where I come in.

Good marriages are my business.

Meeting the right person

in the first place?

Well, my friends, that is up to you.

Oh, I'm sorry.

- I'll go.

- Yeah, you go. Okay.

- Hi. I'm Sadie.

- Hi. Ben.

From that first, destined meeting...

...to the sweet innocence

of the first date.

- Are you skipping to second base?

- What's that? No.

You know why? I'm not a skipper.

Maybe we should take care of first base,

just to make things right.

The first kiss.

The first time you say "I love you. "

- I love you.

- What?

What? A view.

What a view.

First time you say "I love you, "

and she actually hears you.

I love you.

- I'm afraid you're not my type.

- I love you too.

You seriously didn't think I was

gonna let you see that?

Let's skip to the next thing:

moving in together.

The first time she finds something

you don't want her to see.

- Don't worry, I got the heavy ones.

- "Dear Mr. Brian Boitano. "

- Oh, God!

- "Congratulations on your triple Axel.

I wonder how much

you practice every week...

...and also how you make your hair

stay like that. "

Hey, he was a legend. Okay?

I mean, even at age 9 I knew that.

I'm gonna get a less embarrassing box.

Okay.

If she doesn't dump your

wussy ass after that...

...then comes the big one: the proposal.

Sadie...

...you're a great girl. You are.

And I think it's time that

you and I were man and-

Lame. That is so lame.

We are so pleased all of you

could be here with us today...

...to celebrate our 30 years of marriage.

Cheers.

Cheers.

It is especially gratifying to be

surrounded by such good friends...

...and family...

...and of course,

our two beautiful daughters...

...Sadie...

...and Lindsey...

...who has moved back home with us...

...to try and make a new start for herself.

We are...

...so thrilled with her perseverance.

Thank you for the support, Dad.

And then there's Carlisle, Sadie's best

friend, who used to take baths with Sadie...

- What?

- What?

...when they were younger,

and pretend he was a submarine captain.

I destroyed all the photos.

I promise you.

- Thank you. Very good to know. Thanks.

- Wait, what?

And our good friends, Don and Gwen...

...Kwan-Li...

...Jerry, Otis.

Dad...

...what about...

- What about Ben?

- Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, and of course, there's

Sadie's affable boyfriend, Ben.

But what I really want to do...

...is thank my beautiful wife...

...without whom this life

would mean nothing.

Happy 30th anniversary.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

And I hope there are 30 more.

Well, that makes one of us.

Excuse me.

Could I have everyone's attention, please?

I just wanted to...

Well, I thought since

everyone was gathered...

...gathered already...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

- Sadie...

- Oh, my God, oh, my God.

...Wilhelmina Jones.

In front of God and your family...

...Kwan-Li, and Jerry and Otis and...

I just want to know...

...if you would spend the rest

of your life with me.

But I don't...

I don't want to put you

on the spot or anything.

Benjamin Murphy, I would marry you

tomorrow in a potato-sack dress...

...in the middle of a rainstorm, if it meant

I could spend the rest of my life with you.

Wait a second.

You choose our 30th wedding anniversary

to propose to my daughter?

Well...

...we couldn't be happier.

Oh, my gosh.

I know.

New brother-in-law-to-be, I guess.

- Oh, man. Hey, hello.

- Awkward.

- Welcome.

- Thank you.

- Welcome to the family, Ben.

- Sir. All right!

- Oh, my baby.

- Oh, honey, I'm so happy for you.

Look at this beautiful ring.

Sadie, Sadie, I was thinking...

I think we should have the wedding

somewhere tropical. I was thinking, like...

...the Caribbean.

I have this one thing.

Okay.

I always wanted

to get married here.

Here.

What do you mean?

At Saint Augustine's.

It's this fantasy I've had

since I was a little girl.

It's the church where

John and I married.

Where Sadie was christened by

Reverend Frank, who's known us forever.

More importantly, it's the church

Sadie's grandfather built.

Her dead grandfather.

Oh, give me a break.

All he built was a door after it was stolen.

How would you know?

You weren't married there.

And we all know

how that marriage turned out.

Mom!

- Stop.

- Here, here, here, here.

Babe, you've made me so

unbelievably happy today.

You have no idea.

- Great.

- Yeah.

Then Saint Augustine's...

- ... is the decision.

- Thank you, I love you.

- You ready?

- I'm missing a shoe.

- Well, where did you last see it?

- I don't know.

You know, Ben,

your sweater's actually inside out?

Gotta fix that.

What would you do without me?

You want the short list or the long list?

Oh, and your belt?

- It's a little funny.

- No, my belt's fine.

Wait a minute.

- We're gonna be really late.

- No, we're not.

Yeah, we are.

And your point is?

How do I look?

- You look like you've just been-

- All right, never mind.

We're so going to hell, you know that?

- Hey, here's the door Grandpa built.

- Wow, he does really good work.

Don't touch that!

Jesus! You scared me.

Jesus didn't scare you, I did.

- Hi, I'm Sadie-

- Sadie Jones. Yes, I know.

You have a 10:
30 with Reverend Frank.

Yeah. Is he here?

Reverend Frank is everywhere.

Follow me.

"Dear ELLE magazine:

I just found out that my husband

of three months...

...is cheating on me with my best friend.

Half of me wants to kill him, the other

half wants to salvage my marriage.

What to do?"

Yikes.

What kind of sins are we

dealing with here, guys?

- Sarah.

- Thou shall not commit adultery?

Adultery. Going out for milk

when you have jugs at home.

Show me adultery!

Not neat to cheat! Okay!

Now, a lot of people ask me:

"What if I'm cheating with a woman

who's really, really ugly?

Does that make it all right?"

No, it does not make it all right.

It is still a sin.

What other sins? Anybody?

Don't hesitate to draw on

your parents' bad examples.

- Laurie. Bring it, girl.

- Thou shall not covet thy neighbor's wife.

Starts with coveting, ends with the clap.

Okay, coveting thy neighbor's wife.

That's why God invented

the cold shower. Show me coveting!

Good one, Laurie!

Okay, there's one answer left on the board.

Let's see.

Manny.

Make your two moms proud.

Come on, Manny,

you can murder this one.

While I'm waiting, maybe I'll just

fashion a shiv out of Cindy's barrette.

Take a stab at it.

Thou shall not kill?

Boom, Manny!

Bang, bang, bang!

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes