License to Wed Page #2

Show me thou shall not kill!

Oh, good one, Manny!

Manny, Manny, Manny.

That's it for today.

Next we're gonna take

a trip to Arlington Park.

We're gonna find out about

the evils of gambling firsthand.

So bring at least a dollar...

...and remember to ask Mom and Dad

what a trifecta is.

I don't know if you remember me,

Reverend Frank, but...

Sadie Jones?

Little Sadie Jones.

- How you've grown.

- Well, yeah.

And now my Sadie Jones

is gonna tie the knot.

I am.

I'm sorry I haven't been around

for the last...

Ten years.

Yeah.

I've just been trying to get

my business-

Oh, please.

You go to college,

you have a bisexual roommate...

...you forget about God.

Don't sweat it.

He doesn't forget about you.

Who are you?

I'm Ben.

- Ben.

- Hi.

So, what do you do,

besides little Sadie here?

How are you?

All right, let's get the flock out of here.

Come on.

So, how long you two been an item?

- About...

- Like...

Yeah!

It's been teetering there for weeks.

- Cheesy Curl?

- No, thank you.

Too bad, they're addicting.

- Booked.

- Booked. Booked.

Nothing there or there.

I am popular.

Yes, you are.

All full. Not looking good. No.

No, no, no.

- Nope, nope, nope.

- Booked, booked, booked.

Bad news, guys.

- Next available date is in two years.

- Two years?

That's...

- ... so long.

- Yeah.

Wait.

- Hold on, hold on.

- Wasn't there a cancellation?

- I think it's-

- There, there!

Yes, there it is.

Three weeks from tomorrow, how is that?

That's a little quick.

Right? I mean...

Okay, I guess we're getting married

in three weeks.

Okay.

- Just like that?

- Yeah.

- So it is written, so it shall be done.

- So it shall be done.

Oh, boy.

All right.

One small thing.

Couple years ago I instituted

a marriage preparation course here.

The course is a prerequisite

for all marriage ceremonies...

...performed on these grounds.

At the end of the course,

if I feel you're unprepared...

...or you stop the course before completion,

I have the right to call off the wedding.

I'm sorry, but this isn't mandatory, right?

Because we're so ready to get married.

- More than most.

- We strongly advise it.

In other words, you have no choice.

With the divorce rate what it is...

50 percent.

Much higher for those

who live together first.

You did say you lived together, right?

I'm sorry, who are you again?

I'm part of the Ministers

of Tomorrow program.

Reverend Frank's my mentor.

My little Mensa.

- I can see.

- Listen, kids.

We wanna make sure you

are making the right decision...

...because your future happiness

depends on it.

Reverend Frank has a hundred

percent success...

...for those that make it

through the course.

- But what about the people who-?

- Okay, we'll do it.

- We're gonna do it.

- We're doing that?

- It's awesome.

- We're doing this.

That's my Sadie.

All right, we have three months of prep

to cram into three weeks.

There's only a few rules.

Rule number one:

you each have to write your own vows.

You have a booklet,

and you share these vows...

...with each other at the ceremony.

- That's really cool.

- Isn't it?

Okay. What's rule number two?

Starting immediately,

no sex until the honeymoon.

I...

Are you serious?

Oh, yeah.

Tomorrow morning,

bright and early.

Be there.

We all remember the 11 th Commandment.

I don't.

Thou shall not be late.

We've got a hundred things

to start, but it's doable.

I just have to get Carlisle on the phone.

- He was kidding about the no-sex thing?

- Carlisle? It's me. Get ready for this.

- We will talk about the no-sex thing later.

- Okay, Ben.

No sex?

That's supposed to happen

after you get married.

Joel, I come here...

- ... for your compassion.

- I'm just giving you sh*t.

Congratulations.

You are going to love marriage.

Damn it, Joel.

What is wrong with you?

You were supposed to be

watching them.

Shelly, baby, I'm on the roof.

Remember we said you won't

bother me when I'm on the roof?

- You're always on the roof.

- Exactly.

- I heard that.

- Yeah.

Where did this mud hole

even come from?

Oh, my God,

I am so getting my tubes tied.

This reverend says he wants me to meet

him after church tomorrow one-on-one.

What is that?

You ever done that?

The marriage prep stuff?

To tell you the truth, I don't remember

anything before D-day, man.

It's like a black hole.

All I know is that's my wife...

...apparently those are my kids...

...and this, this is my beer.

Everything else is pretty much a blur.

Yeah.

Thank you.

That's why you're my best man.

Two words for your bachelor party:

Strippers and Sizzler.

I like to call it "beef and booty. "

I heard that.

Oh, boy.

Please, God, let somebody

be later than us.

Hey. We'll just sneak in the back,

no one will notice.

We also ask...

...that you watch over the Mansbridge

meat packers and their labor dispute.

Grant our packers patience

as they await an amicable resolution...

...with, Lord willing,

a four to six percent pay increase...

...and dental would be nice.

Look who decided to show.

Choir! Let me hear it!

You're late, you're late

You're late, you're late

God's on time

But you are very late

It's your first offense.

We'll let it slide.

It happens again, I'm telling the Big Guy.

And I'm not talking about

Larry Carmichael over there on drums.

But seriously...

...let us re-pray.

Sorry for bailing, Lord.

A brief interruption, but we're back.

We'd also like to pray for Walter...

...recently returned from his

holiday in Thailand.

Let's hope it's just a heat rash.

- Vivian.

- I don't know how you do it, Frank.

Every week your sermons

get better and better.

It comes from upstairs, Vivian.

I'm just the TiVo.

It wasn't that good.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

I have to go. I have stuff to do...

...but you guys enjoy

your man-talk, okay?

Don't say anything about me

behind my back.

You'll never know so...

Tight.

- Sorry?

- The car.

- Hi.

- Bye.

You ready? A little one-on-one?

- Yeah.

- Come on. Let's go.

The name of our team is the Crusaders.

I didn't want to tell the kids about the

Children's Crusades, it bums them out.

Wow, you really meant one-on-one.

Oh, yeah.

- A little hoops?

- No.

This ball needs Viagra.

- Play catch?

- Sure, love catch.

It's my favorite sport.

Pardon the glove.

We've had a few budget cutbacks.

- Oh, that's all right.

- Back up.

Okay.

What are you, a little girl's softball league?

Back up.

Okay. Not a little girl.

- Yeah.

- All right.

It's nice to be able to chat with you...

...without all this "I'm a pastor

who can send you to hell" nonsense.

No, me too. This is great.

Little one-on-one time

with your spiritual elder.

Bless you, Benjamin.

- Too hard?

- No. That's a...

That's a good burn. Right?

Anything that's painful

makes you stronger.

Not really. You break your leg,

your leg doesn't get stronger.

God is just, but God is kind.

That's a nice sentiment.

Thank you.

Can I ask you something?

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