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This is Hoffman's Head.

Hey, Headlights,

I'm gonna open up your Fanmail.

"To Garrett Hoffman."

Well, that's me!

Oh!

And the note says, "Garrett,

"My pet earthworm had babies,

and I'm giving them

to you to raise."

From Tony.

Alright, I'm just going

f***ing crazy!

I can't control

this f***ing car!

What's the first word

that comes to your mind

when you think of air?

It's lightweight, see.

What is it?

What is it?!

In our laboratories, we did

scientific side-by-side tests.

Breathing air

versus breathing...

Chicken broth.

Air is better.

You literally brought

a cane to a gunfight.

Why don't you just

derail the train, Garrett?

Some things shall be easy.

It's "Assassins Creed."

It must be a dance.

Babe, who's... ah!

Who's winning?

So... so he's good.

Oh!

Oh my God! They're on my face.

They're on my face.

You know, I have no idea why,

but the first thing

that comes to my mind

when I think of the word "air"

is "airy."

Talcum powder.

Air is better.

Hey, thanks for letting us

into your devices.

Next time on

"Cooking with Serial Killers"

Jeffrey Dahmer is back

with tips on summer grilling.

It's gonna be great.

Check here for

bloopers and outtakes.

And like, share,

follow, and subscribe.

Like, share, follow.

For more, please

like, share, follow.

Like, Share...

Follow, and of course...

Subscribe.

Okay!

Rolling!

We hit two million!

The antimatter hyperdrive

can't take those numbers!

For the love of God, man,

tell them to stop subscribing.

Wait, what?

How many?

Two million!

Yes! Two million

of you insaniacs

have volunteered to get my head

delivered to your heads

on a daily basis.

So, I just wanna say thank you,

gracias, Merci, danke, arigato.

And while this is

Hoffman's Head,

it would not be possible

without Kiki Lee

and the incurable Lyle Burris.

Give 'em some love. Whoo!

But of course, Oh.

The real people I couldn't

have done this without...

is you guys.

My Headlights.

The Hoffman-heads.

I mean it. I-I really can't

believe you're all out there

carrying my head

around in your pockets,

and checking in with my head

at your desks.

It's... it's crazy.

But you have changed my life,

and you have made

my dreams come true.

And I love you guys.

I really do!

I really do.

Like a lot.

That's gross.

Hello.

Hi.

Hi.

Uh, Box 1754, please.

Oh.

Yeah, I've been trying

to figure you out.

Oh, don't do that.

I really couldn't resist.

So, what did you come up with?

Well, I...

I thought you might run

a mental hospital for teenagers.

Kind of, yeah.

Uh, I'm on YouTube.

Well, what are you?

A LOLcat?

What, you don't think I could

be a LOLcat?

I can haz cheeseburger.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

This is America, and you

can be whatever you dream.

Thank you.

Yeah, rock on.

I'm Garrett.

Shell.

"Shell"?

I'm Michelle, but...

Uh...

Hydrology.

Your... your book.

You like fluid mechanics?

You... yeah!

Yes! It's great. I love it.

What is your favorite

thing about it?

One thing.

One thing.

One thing.

Um...

My favorite thing about

fluid mechanics... Yes?

Is?

Is

the mechanics of it all.

The mechanics.

Hoffman's Head? That's you?

Mm-hmm. That's my head.

I will check it out.

And if I like it, I'll put

kissy lips on a postcard

and... and leave it in your box.

Okay.

Okay!

Can I borrow that?

Um, this is my number.

You know, just in case.

Something happens?

Uh, that's private, okay?

Sure.

Okay.

So what happens

after all of this ends?

Because you know, spoiler alert!

Okay. You know, what if

YouTube isn't just some fad?

What if it's like...

It's the invention

of the printing press?

And I'm in on it.

Well, then, that makes me

a monk in a monastery

illuminating manuscripts.

Please just promise me

you'll consider

a teaching degree.

I just think you should have

something to fall back on.

Would you just stop

for a minute, Dad?

Try the sandwich.

I'll have it for dinner.

It's your favorite

from Arthur's.

Can you please just look at it?

Look at the sandwich?

Yeah.

What is this?

Open it.

Huh!

I told you things

were going really well.

I can't take this, Garrett.

You put it away.

No!

Put it away for yourself.

No, no, no.

I'm fine. I'm investing...

in your store.

Whoever's giving you

financial advice is a moron.

Look, I know you don't get it,

but all my life...

everybody's been worried about how I

was gonna survive in the real world.

Right? Including me.

Now all of a sudden, all that stuff

everyone told me to quit doing,

like clowning around,

playing video games,

that's like... that's a

real thing that people do.

I'm good at this.

I'm really good at this.

Have you seen any of my videos?

A lot of people like them.

A lot of people

like a lot of things.

Thanks for the sandwich.

You're welcome.

Come on, little goblins!

Good job, man. Good.

How did you just do that?

Unlocked the goblin outrage.

Yes. F*** you. F*** you.

And I'm large!

But why is he dead?

I won, but the guy's like...

on the floor, dead.

Okay.

Alright.

Okay, so we got about 4,000

people on the stream right now.

Live here in Hoffman's Head.

Streaming from 9:00 p.m. until

"I just can't take it anymore"

every Friday night.

So, I've been trying

to cope with some existential issues.

I'm just gonna throw

that out to you guys.

You night birds and mysterians

out there in the webisphere.

Um, the topic is my life.

What do I do with it?

After YouTube? Chime in.

Dude, you're, like,

living the dream, okay?

I am. I am.

But sometimes people

in your life can be...

human alarm clocks.

Are we talking about girlfriends,

Garrett, or relatives?

Relatives, yes, exactly!

Emotional kryptonite.

They... they come from

the same distant planet as you,

so they can just take away

your powers.

Garrett, you can always

come live with us.

Can I?

And who is "us" exactly?

Me, my mother,

my father, my brother.

Okay.

That sounds awful, thank you.

Oh, hey, it's FanGirl!

Just what you need.

Hey, FanGirl.

Hey, Garrett.

I'm in your head again.

Yes, you are.

Been a while.

Where have you been?

Making some moves.

But I'm back.

I'm here for you, Garrett,

just say the word,

and I am at your door.

As always, FanGirl,

you're turning me on,

and creeping me out in equal measure.

It's a gift.

Yo, she's probably

like 50 years old and ugly.

Only one way to find out.

You do know I have a rule,

right, FanGirl?

Well, rules

are made to be broken.

Thing is, FanGirl,

I made up the rule

for your benefit.

It protects you from the

inevitable disappointment,

because you guys already

get the best of me.

What's left in the day

is just, like,

14 hours swinging the mouse.

I am not...

I'm not interesting.

Well, I could give

you a back rub as you work.

Or I could get on my knees...

in front of your chair

and use my...

Okay, okay!

As delightful

as that would be...

Oh, now...

Now Raveon's jealous.

See, this is why

we have the rule.

I love you all equally.

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