Little Black Book

Question:
How does a girl who falls...

No, actually, she jumps...

... eyes open, down a rabbit hole,

plummeting into chaos...

... come out the other end

unchanged?

The answer?

She doesn't.

See, I know,

because that girl is me.

But to truly understand

the predicament I was in...

... i.e., stuck in the middle of chaos...

... you'd have to go back

to that first day at my new job.

Actually, to be fair,

you should go back a little further...

... starting with Mom.

Don't worry. I'm not blaming her...

... entirely.

She believed that all problems could

be solved by listening to Carly Simon.

Greatest Hits.

Side two. Hurry.

Something about her voice,

or her lyrics, or her music...

... helped Mom clear the chaos...

... especially after a fight with Dad.

Or when he left us for good.

People said Mom was better off.

They said she was lucky.

But she believed...

Luck is when preparation

meets opportunity.

You gotta prepare

for the life you want.

And though I knew I wanted

a career in broadcast journalism...

... it took a little Carly

and a lot of time...

... to find the person

I most wanted to work with.

- She is smart and she is learning.

- Diane Sawyer.

- Chic, smart, intelligent...

- And she married well.

Good point.

- She's a little beige.

- No, no, she's taupe.

Taupe is never beige.

Taupe's classic. Confident.

- It says, "I'm elegant."

- "And I don't need color to prove it."

There you go.

I wanna work with her one day.

- You should work with her.

- I will work with her.

With my career decided,

I left for college...

... hopeful I would meet someone

I could be certain of.

- Phillip.

- Bruce.

- Jeremy.

- Noah.

- Trotsky.

- Frank.

- Bean.

- Bean? As in, "How have you...?"

Bean. Yeah.

- I really, really like him, Mom.

- You do?

Yeah, I do. I think I do. Maybe.

Don't over-commit yourself

unless you are absolutely certain.

You've gotta prepare

for the life you want.

Again, I turned to Carly.

And while my roommates weren't

as understanding as I'd hoped...

- Come back to bed.

...it did bring certainty.

I'm sorry, Bean.

We have only but one road

to travel in this life.

And I just don't think

we're on the same one.

So to get more involved,

or for me to over-commit myself...

...would just lead to chaos.

- How do you know?

- I'm certain.

I mean, what if you're wrong?

What if we're supposed to

be together?

What if you just made

the biggest mistake of your life?

Stacy, honey! Smile!

Stacy, honey! Smile!

There are moments in life where

you hope your decisions weren't rash.

Bean! Bean!

And moments where you just know.

- Stacy.

- Derek.

- Nice to meet you.

- Yeah, ditto.

I had met my life-mate.

I was certain.

Yeah! Yes!

- That's good. Yes?

- The bar's closed.

What are you doing?

That first year of our relationship

was amazing.

We were in sync, inseparable...

... and in love.

And though I technically

still lived with Mom...

... I was spending practically

all my time at Derek's.

My life was going

according to plan. Sort of.

- Derek!

- Bob! Bob!

Professionally speaking, I was

the go-to girl in a dead-end job.

I mean, you can only work

your way up for so long, right?

It was time to move on.

And while Diane Sawyer

was still out of reach...

... television personality

Kippie Kann wasn't.

The grande dame of daytime talk

needed an associate producer. Me.

It was a match made in Trenton.

- Which brings us up to speed.

- Ira Nachlis. Follow.

The beginning of the end.

Day one.

Tight on space,

but your desk is right next to...

- Barb.

- Campbell-hyphen-Dunn.

Meet our new associate producer,

Stacy Hoyt.

- Holt.

- Whatever.

Put your stuff down.

I'll take you to the taping.

We got pictures of strippers

he's been with.

Cheating bastard.

They call it "fluffing."

Prepping the guests.

We got proof. Go on, now.

Be strong. And violent.

By the time they're on,

they're ready to go nine rounds.

So there's two shows today,

9 and 3.

Nine is "Cheating Bastards."

My idea.

- I owe you one, Bea.

- Oh, no problem.

That's a great idea.

Why aren't you producing?

I am. Carl just takes credit.

Deep breath.

And showtime.

Pathway, people!

I'm on my way! I'm on my way!

Anybody have tickets

for Thomas Oglestein?

I haven't proofed these yet.

They look okay to you?

Did you use the words "dope,"

"dog" and "stripper"?

- They're fine.

- They're fine.

Is it just me? I think the horse in

Montana is missing his feedbag.

I just got word we're about ready

to start. But before we do...

...I want you to get to know each other.

Turn to the person behind you...

...and shake hands.

That would be great.

You guys are not that bright.

We are really gonna start...

- I lost my scream.

- What?

- Got doorbell, buzzer, beating heart...

- No scream, no show!

- Barb!

- No scream, no show!

Go, Barb.

Run title!

Stand by, DP.

- Nice, Barb.

- And cue applause.

- Standing by.

- Stand by, Kippie.

Go gray.

And cue Kippie.

There she is!

Hey, nice to see you.

Hello.

She's getting ahead of you.

Stand by, camera three.

- Camera three.

- Carl, what are you looking at?

Welcome to Kippie Kann Do!

Today we're putting the dogs

to the ultimate test.

- Is your man a cheating bastard?

- No!

Then he'll have to pass the

Kippie Kann Lie Detector to prove it.

- Phil, camera two.

- Camera two ready.

- Cue doorbell.

- Full scream.

Better get that.

Yeah! Bring it on, sucker!

What up? What?

- Cue apes.

- Apes?

Security.

Yeah, represent!

What? What? What?

Rapper Boy Taye,

why do you think you're here?

I'm here because my woman's getting

a hot hoochie-mama makeover.

- Camera four.

- I'd do her.

There is some kind of critter

under the table.

It's either a rat...

My sister saw you humping

on a dirty-girl stripper.

Dirty-girl stripper?

You crazy!

I never been with no stripper.

That ain't your grandma.

- That ain't me.

- Liar!

- You're stupider than you look.

- No, you didn't!

What are you, crazy?

- You're a dirty dog!

- Now let's not rush to judgment.

- Are you willing to prove it, Taye?

- Yeah.

- What do you say, audience?

- Prove it! Prove it! Prove it!

I got nothing. Lori, what's up?

- Another guest?

- Do we have the right running order?

- Should we have someone?

- Who's up?

- I'm sorry.

- I don't have this.

Hello? Anyone there?

Oh, Jesus! Kippie's gonna...

- There she blows.

- Kippie can't keep covering, Carl!

- Good girl.

- Is anybody in the booth...

...or is it just me down here by myself?

I'm all alone down here!

What are you guys doing?

You're crazy!

- Carl!

- What was the problem, Phil?

Oh, shoot, there it is!

It's a big one!

Okay, people, lots to do.

We got two shows today.

First I wanna say hello

to our new associate producer...

...our little doorbell-ringer herself,

Stacy Holt.

- What's up, girl?

- Just kidding, Stace. Just a little fun.

Welcome to our little thing.

Katie, you wanna show them the...?

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