Little Black Book Page #2

Take a look at our new look.

- "Kippie Kann keeps competitors..."

- He's bringing back the hard K's.

- Keep going, Katie. Keep it going.

- It was her thing, like a trademark.

- "Creatively while

keeping keen"...

- But that was a million years ago.

- Nostalgia, folks.

Hearkens back to a simpler time.

They eat it up.

Like when Captain Kangaroo was king

and Casey Kasem was in kindergarten.

- He's nuts.

- Who invented reality?

- We did.

- So keep those hard K's coming.

- Kipp, you should be in makeup, kiddo.

- Cut the K's, Carl.

- It's cute. It's Kippie.

- It's crap! Capisce?

Here's the thing:

That orchid on the desk?

Well, I just got it.

Which can only mean

it's a new picture.

Let me see that.

She's right. This cruelty

cannot continue. Katie.

- Carl.

- Lf somebody has a problem with me...

...just tell me straight up. Otherwise...

- You get canned. With a "C."

Kippie, to makeup.

- Good girl.

- I told you.

I'll do my best to catch

the culprit, Kippie.

Thank you...

Ira.

Nachlis.

Nice to meet you.

I've worked here for three years.

Okay, people,

need you focused right here!

It's all about sweeps.

Give me drama, pathos,

life unfolding.

Make me cry. Ira.

Regurgitate something fresh.

- "Midget Holiday Hell."

- Stinks.

- Come on. Give it to Daddy.

- "Parents Who Party."

- Who do they party with?

- Rejecting the midgets?

- Midgets.

- What?

Mixed parents.

Happy mixed parents.

- One normal size...

- One midget?

- Sexy. I like it.

- Those midgets are mine!

You can't corner the midget market!

Yours party during holidays.

- Mine party as a family.

- Are they happy?

- It'd make you cry.

- Kippie is great with sentiment.

- Give me that thing!

- Don't! Don't touch me!

- He has no happy midgets!

- Gentlemen, please!

We combine the segments.

We share the credit and the midgets.

We work together here, people.

We are a team.

- "Grandma's a Hooker."

- You got a grandma?

- Several.

- Run the prep.

- "Penitentiary Porn."

- "Little Black Books."

- Do not follow.

- Electronic little black books.

- As in?

- As in Palms...

...BlackBerries, desk organizers.

Electronic footprints...

...of where your man has been

and with whom.

Under the right circumstances,

they could be a girl's best friend.

Especially a scorned girlfriend,

wife, mistress...

- I think it's a fantastic idea.

- Thank you!

- Since our audience is 90% female...

- Sexy! Run the prep.

Let's go! Come on.

- "Pregnant Strippers"!

- "Black Midgets with Books"!

- "Unnatural Animal Love."

- "Literacy in Inner-City Schools."

Sh*t! Take it back. Take it back.

She was just kidding.

And I tried to pretend I was.

First the doorbell,

then the staff meeting?

I am absolutely mortified.

Don't worry, no one will remember.

- You can ring my bell

- Hey, stop it!

- Ring my bell

- She's really upset.

Oh, please. I'm the only victim here.

Why should I be forced

to share credit with...?

- Not fair.

- Your midget idea was tired.

- His twist made it different.

- Thanks, I feel so much better.

If you make sweeps even

with shared credit, that's a huge deal.

I happen to know that the people

from Harpo, Oprah's group...

...TiVo every one of our shows.

For what it's worth, I really like

your "Little Black Book" idea.

- Really?

- Yeah. So don't cry in my soup.

- So how does it all work exactly?

- You put your best shows in sweeps.

The most outrageous, the most

provocative attention-grabbers.

- Then they promo it.

- It's about getting eyeballs...

...to get numbers, to get revenue,

to get renewed.

We're beginning sweeps now,

so things are in the can.

- So, what was pitched today?

- June sluts.

Slots. Of which we average

nine a month.

"We" being the drones. The APs.

When an AP gets a slut... Slot.

It's like a credit. You need

so many credits to advance.

- And you have the most?

- Catching on.

He's next. The only way to jump ahead

of him is if you land the live show.

- Please.

- This month?

- A week from Friday.

- APs never get the live show.

- Karen Meskil.

- Urban legend.

Anyway, if you do,

you're instantly promoted.

- Wow.

- Hi, Barbara.

Hey, Kippie. Great show.

Let's not go there.

You must be Stacy.

Wow. I am so unbelievably

sorry about what happened.

Please. Let he who is without sin

cast the first stone.

Hello again.

Ira.

- Nachlis.

- Yes, you are.

So sorry to hear about you and Neil.

I thought he was a keeper.

Kippie?

- Sorry. Excuse me.

- Bye.

- Who's Neil?

- My boyfriend.

Ex, actually.

"Hi, Barbara. How's Neil?

You must be Stacy."

What's missing here?

Oh, me!

You're right. I should get as many

shows on the air as possible. Be seen.

Noticed by somebody. Anybody.

Okay, so, what I'm about to do should

not be interpreted as groveling...

...hypocrisy, or desperation.

It's merely a loss of personal integrity.

Excuse me. Larry, wait up!

- He's funny.

- Yeah. Talented too.

Okay, I'll do the midgets.

- Too bad he'll never make it here.

- Why not?

He cares too much what

everyone thinks. Especially Kippie.

- And that's bad because...?

- They're shopping for a newer model.

- But she's the boss.

- It's been in the works a long time.

Who do you think leaked

the pictures to the tabloids?

Her ratings are down, and she's got

five years left on her contract.

You do the math.

- So is it always like this?

- I don't know.

I haven't been here

long enough to say.

- No, I thought you were...

- A lifer?

No. A year and a half ago

I was on Wall Street.

And before that I drove a bus.

It's all pretty much the same.

People will tell you who they are

if you just listen.

You can figure them out.

Sometimes you can help.

- Let's help Kippie.

- I should warn you.

I'm uncomfortable

with touching and sentiment.

- Sorry.

- Thank you.

It's all about the bottom line.

- In every business.

- Does she know?

She used to be prime-time

out of New York.

Now she's syndicated in Jersey.

It's one thing to start here, but you

don't climb your way to Trenton.

Nothing we can do,

short of winning sweeps.

- Well, then let's win sweeps.

- Oh, okay.

- We could try.

- Win one for the Kipper?

- Please.

- This is too earnest for me.

You've been teetering,

and you just crossed over.

- Don't you like her?

- I do, actually.

A lot. But that's irrelevant.

That may be so, but does it reveal

who your true friends are?

Are they keeping secrets?

Well, it's not a secret anymore

for someone...

... and we'll tell you why

after these words.

Hey!

Man, you should have seen

what came out of this animal.

I miss all the good stuff.

- Think you're pretty cute, don't you?

- Well, I'm no Bob.

You better apologize.

I think you just insulted Bob.

- You insinuated ugliness.

- I did not. I did not.

- Apologize.

- Okay, okay! I'm sorry, Bob. I'm sorry.

- Wait. Where are you going?

- I gotta finish packing. Two minutes.

Did I tell you about Nieuwendyk's

cousin? MVP out of Detroit?

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