Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #7

There is a long pause while BACON considers this.

BACON:

So how long do you have to wait 'till you see a return?

TOM:

Probably no longer than four weeks.

BACON:

A month? So, my friend, what f***ing good is that, if we need it in six

. . . no, five days?

TOM:

Well, it's still a good idea.

SOAP:

Listen to this one . . .

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

We see the back of a head.

DOG:

So do you know these geezers well?

PLANK:

Well enough. I have been buying gear off one of them for a couple of

years.

DOG:

What they like then?

PLANK:

Poofs. Nothing heavy, four public school guys. Soft as shite.

INT. JD'S BAR - DAY

Soap is finishing off his suggestion for raising money.

SOAP:

And you keep all the money'

Pause. BACON and Tom frown at Soap.

TOM:

I have heard some f***ing stupid ideas in my time but yours makes

Bacon's sound inspired.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

Ed fumbles with his keys at his front door. He enters his house in a

sort of zombie state, takes off his jacket and opens the cupboard

doors. He hangs his coat up (it promptly falls off" the hanger) and he

collapses in a pile on the floor. The cupboard doors now being open, he

can clearly hear next door's discussion. We track in very slowly on Ed.

PLANK:

They ponce around in funny hippie clothes all day, talking bollocks.

They're just good at growing weed, that's all, and business has got

bigger than what they can keep up with.

INT. JD'S BAR - DAY

SOAP:

If you're so f***ing clever why don't you come up with a suggestion?

BACON:

I am thinking, I am thinking.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

DOG:

(off)

Listen, they can't be all stupid if they got a container load of cash

sitting in shoe boxes, a skip-load of Class A gear and you don't think

there is anybody sensible involved.

We reach the end of our track. Ed's head is on a pitiful angle in full

close-up. It straightens and his dark eyes widen immediately on this

news.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

DOG:

What about security?

PLANK:

There's one steel gate as you go in but they never lock it.

DOG:

What do you mean, never? Well what have they got it for, then?

PLANK:

I must have been there fifty times, it's never been locked; they're not

suspicious. Everybody who goes there are toffs. They're all into that

karma crap:
`If I don't harm nobody, nobody harms me' stuff.

DOG:

Is there no way they can get back to you?

PLANK:

Even if they could they'd be too sh*t scared. They have got no muscle;

they're gutless faggots.

66 ~ 67

IN'T. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Barry and Harry are talking. Harry is polishing a shotgun. It is very

different in appearance to the hammer-locks.

HATCHET:

Is Big Chris on his way?

BARRY:

Should be here any minute. I think you're making a mistake, Harry.

That's a lot of money for Chris to be running after. I wouldn't trust

him to bring it back here.

Hatchet's speech is laced with cut-aways of Big Chris in action, and on

the ascent (with Little Chris) of Hatchet's stairs.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S STAIRCASE - DAY

HATCHET:

(voice-over)

What do you know about Chris, eh? You put Big Chris on a job and he

will make sure it gets done, no matter what's in his way. His dad used

to collect debts and his dad before that, and that monster of a boy

will after he has gone. It seems that the Almighty himself requested

them to collect debts for eternity and not to fear knocking on old

Nick's door himself, if he was behind on his payment. But he has never

nicked a picker in his life. Straight as an arrow and as strong as the

bow that fired it. If you dropped your tenner he would search till he

found ya . . . the only problem is he isn't stable, has a temper like a

runaway train, and he hits twice as hard. Heaven protect anyone who

touches that boy, not that the boy needs protecting.

We see Big Chris walking up the stairs. He reaches the top and knocks

on the door.

INT. HATCHET HARRY'S OFFICE - DAY

Big Chris is sitting in front of Hatchet, Barry behind Chris.

HATCHET:

Want a drink?

BARRY:

Hello son, would you like a lolly?

LITTLE CHRIS:

Piss off you nonce!

BIG CHRIS:

Oi, watch it! No thanks Harry, we are both all right. Nice shooter.

HATCHET:

Like it? One of a pair, Holland and Holland. Here, you want to hold it?

BIG CHRIS:

Nah, not my thing, thank you, Harry. Business good? I imagine that's

what I am here for.

Harry leans the gun against the side of the desk and takes a seat, does

a breast-stroke movement to clear his desk of all the sexual debris,

takes a big breath of air and begins.

HATCHET:

I want you to forget about any other debts at the moment; there are

fresher fish to fry!

BIG CHRIS:

Go on.

HATCHET:

It's a bit of a priority. Four young fellas who got in deeper than they

could handle; they owe me half a million pounds.

68 ~ 69

LITTLE CHRIS:

How much?

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

Tom, BACON

and Soap are sitting in front of Ed who looks as though he is about to

launch in to a speech.

TOM:

What's the flapping about? You told the old man yet? EDDY

I hope I won't need to. I got a plan. So listen carefully.

INT. SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - NIGHT WINSTON

Look, he set us up. That means he put money into us, which means he

expects money out of us. You don't need to be an economist to work that

out.

J:

He might think we smoke a lot and burn a bit of profit, but he can't

have any idea about the hard currency we've accumulated. We can just

slice it off the top.

WINSTON:

You guys, you've got to realise who this chap is. He's a f***ing

lunatic. If he gets the slightest inkling that we are not throwing

straight dice, you - and f*** it, me - are going to know what the sharp

side of a kebab knife feels like.

*CHARLES Come on, we are in this for the cash however it comes.

The phone rings. Winston picks it up.

* Cut from completed film.

70

WINSTON:

Hello.

DAISY:

(she is upset)

Winston?

WINSTON:

Yeah.

DAISY:

It's Daisy.

WINSTON:

I know who it is. What's the problem?

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

The situation has been explained. There are thoughtful frowns on all

foreheads. There is a pause.

SOAP:

Well, what do you want us to do about it?

EDDY:

Hit the f***ers.

Pause while this is digested.

I know it sounds a bit heavy, but it's not like you are doing anything

illegal.

BACON:

I don't know how you've reached that conclusion.

EDDY:

They can't report they have had all their drugs and money nicked, can

they?

71

TOM:

How heavy are the fellas anyway?

EDDY:

They don't look all that.

SOAP:

Hitler didn't look all that.

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