Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels Page #9

We have a slow-motion close-up of the drink being slammed down, proving

a point.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON has rigged up an amplifier to the hole in the cupboard along with

a ridiculous amount of recording equipment. The house lights still

flicker on and off. We start the first part of the conversation looking

at Bacon, who has his headphones on. We cut to Dog halfway through the

second sentence.

INT. DOG'S HDUSE - DAY

PLANK:

There's nothing to worry about, it's going to be easy.

DOG:

There is no such thing as easy in my experience and, if you think this

is going to be easy, you're a dick. It may be easier than most but it's

not going to be easy.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON has a kettle next to where he is sitting. It steams away quite

happily but a worrying noise starts to come from the plug socket. BACON

prepares himself.- BOOM! He disappears into black.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE - DAY

They react to the BOOM! Dog looks at the wall with suspicion, misses a

beat, then continues.

DOG:

What's that idiot doing next door?

(Points at Paul)

We use your van. It's up some stairs this place, so we'll stick out

like balls on a bulldog. Plank is going up first. There is a cage but

it is never locked, is it Plank?

PLANK:

No.

DOG:

And it better bloody not be. Once he is firmly in place, he gets the

rest of us in. We'll get nasty with a couple of them, sh*t 'em up,

scare and gag 'em. I can't see these wankers giving us a problem, but

they might have a couple of tools hanging around like any cowboy. When

the job is done we'll come straight back here. It's dark by then,

unload and Robert's your father's brother. Everybody savvy?

ALL TOGETHER:

Yup.

DOG:

Right, tomorrow, eight o'clock we'll do it. Apparently these stags

don't get out of bed till midday, lowest ebb and all that, and that's

how I like it.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - DAY

BACON is now lit by candle.

BACON:

Jesus.

DOG:

(off)

So no messing around tonight. We leave eight a.m., OK?

EDDY:

Yes?

BACON:

It's happening tomorrow morning. Get back here now.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - NIGHT

SOAP:

(staggering)

Where did you get those from, a museum?

TOM:

Nick the Greek.

BACON:

How much did you part with?

TOM:

Seven hundred for the pair.

SOAP:

Drachmas, I hope. I would feel safer with a chicken drumstick. They

could do more harm than good.

BACON:

Jesus, Tom, do they work?

TOM:

I dunno, but they look nice. I rather like ' em.

EDDY:

Top of the list of priorities, how nice they look.

SOAP:

Ladies, if you don't mind, back to a more important issue. We've only

got two real guns . . . apparently that's what they are. We find a good

place to hide next door. When it sounds like the right time, we jack in

the box, look nasty and stuff, cocoon them in gaffer tape, then we nick

their van and swap the gear into a new van and then bring it back here.

As long as we are all out of our hiding places quickly, it's the last

thing they'll expect. If Tom and anyone else feels like kicking them

around a bit I am sure it won't do any harm. A bit of pain never hurt

any one (thinking about it) if you know what I mean . . . Also, I think

knives are a good idea, you know, big f***-off shiny knives, the ones

that look like they could skin a crocodile. Knives are good because

they don't make any noise, and the less noise the more we're likely to

use them. That'll sh*t 'em up and make us look like pros.

There is a pause as they look at Soap with suspicion.

TOM:

Is there something we should know about you, Soap?

BACON:

I am not sure what's more worrying, the job or your past.

INT. ED AND BACON'S HOUSE - MORNING

Ed and Bacon, etc, are all mounted up on top of one another looking out

a crack in the curtain. They are observing Dog's party en route to

work. They are dressed as kebab shop assistants.

SOAP:

Where the f*** are they going? To butcher a sheep? I thought this was a

robbery.

EDDY:

Where did they get those outfits from? Haven't we got some like that,

Tom?

TOM:

Well, not exactly like that.

INT. DOG'S HOUSE (VAN) - MORNING

Dog and troop load up.

INT. SLDANES' SITTING ROOM - MORNING

Cut to Sloanes. They are up and unusually awake. Today is the day to

move the money so they are comparatively alert. There is lots of

activity.

WINSTON:

You f***ing jelly-heads, move it. You have been up for two hours, you

should have got somewhere by now. The gear and the money has got to be

out of here before twelve.

The horn blasts.

Who's that? J, don't you dare open the door until you use that cage. I

am serious, and find out who it is first.

86

INT. SLOANES' FRONT DOOR - DAY

J:

(raising his voice for the door)

Hello, can I help you?

PLANK:

All right, it's Plank. Is Willie there?

J:

No, I'm afraid he's not. He's out at the moment.

PLANK:

Well, perhaps you can help?

J:

Well, perhaps I can't, Plank, if you know what I mean.

PLANK:

Look, could you just open the door so I could talk without shouting?

J:

I can't help you, Plank.

PLANK:

I think you'll find it is in your interest.

INT SLOANES' SITTING ROOM - DAY

J:

Hold on. OK.

(Whispering inside.)

Look Willie, it's Plank outside asking for you, he says it's in our

interest.

87

WINSTON:

I don't care if it's King f***ing Kong, he is not coming in here, not

today.

WILLIAM:

Hold on:
we are in business and correct me if I am wrong, but that is

business?

J:

Corrected; that's a walking accident that we can do without.

WILLIAM Jesus, he's OK; he knows only to buy weights now, so we are

looking at least a couple of thou; just one last time.

J:

What do you think, Winston?

Pause.

WINSTON:

Willy, this is the last time, and don't let him know that you're here,

otherwise he will be here all day, and get rid of him quick. We have

work to do.

EXT. SLOANES' STAIRS - DAY

DOG:

(frustrated)

What the f*** is going on?

MICK:

Do you want me to have a look, Dog?

DOG:

No, you silly f***er, stay still.

(Whispering)

What's going on?

PLANK:

Come on, I can't wait out here all day.

Starting to get anxious that the whole deal could be off Plank looks

down the stairs and waves at Dog as some kind of reassurance.

J:

(off)

All right, just coming.

J unlocks the door after getting the cage ready. There's an external

door, and then a small corridor before the cage. J is inside the cage.

Two, or at a push, three people could fit in this space before they

would be poking out on the outside world.

INT. SLOANES' CAGE - DAY

PLANK:

I thought you were going to leave me out there all day.

J:

I didn't know you were a kebab man, Plank.

PLANK:

(taking the piss)

Lives and learns doesn't one.

Then devastation slaps him hard.

Keep the gates locked now, do you?

J:

Sorry, got to do business like this now; can't be too careful these

days.

PLANK:

I know.

(Suddenly turning very nasty whispering.)

Now shut it. You say a f***ing word the right knee goes, another word

then your left.

J:

(confused and believing it's a joke, until he sees the gun.)

What are you doing, Plank?

Rate this script:3.7 / 3 votes