Lola Versus

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1

So I'm embarrassed about this,

but I have this giant astrology book.

And it says that today,

that my 29th birthday...

...Saturn returns to the place of my birth

and it turns my life upside-down.

It says that Saturn is going to bring

all of my sh*t to the surface...

...and then I'm going to evolve.

I'm paraphrasing, of course.

I know that change is inevitable.

But what if I don't want things to change?

What if I like my life exactly how it is?

Happy birthday.

I feel old.

You're so old.

Do I look 29?

Yeah, you kind of do.

No, I'm only kidding.

You look like the white J.Lo.

Baby, J.Lo is in her 40s.

- No, she's not.

- Yes, she is.

- J.Io's in her 40s?

- Mm-hm.

What?

I got a surprise.

Blow.

- Now you're gonna get it.

- I can't get it. Heh-heh.

Now you're gonna get it.

You're gonna get it.

Why aren't you ticklish? It's so weird.

- All right, if--

- Okay, okay, I got it. I love you.

- I love you too, Lola. Happy birthday.

- Thank you.

You look very handsome today!

Don't anybody touch him!

He's mine!

Yes, you can die from

drinking too much water.

Yes.

I'll e-mail you the article.

I know, you just have to find a balance. it's--

- Oh, my--!

- Bike lane!

No, Luke's great.

Yeah, he's just been working like crazy

on his solo show.

It's paintings of celebrity sex tapes.

No, Anderson Cooper's not in there.

Should he be?

What--? Are you trying to masturbate?

We just had sex.

- Lola.

- Yes?

Will you marry me?

Do you think there's a magazine

for pregnant brides?

Have you died?!

No, I'm ready.

Dude, you look incredible.

- Don't tell Luke you were here.

- Let me video-chat with him.

What? You've had literally

the same phone since 11th grade.

Whatever. Chicks love old phones.

They think I listen more.

You trying to take maid of honor from me?

I ordered strippers who get naked

to the soundtrack of Glee.

- I'm not listening.

- Can your band play Cee Lo?

- I'm a rock star.

- Ta-ta.

It's a wedding dress! It's a wedding dress!

No, no. Gluten-free chocolate.

Ask about the icing.

What--? Yeah, oh, Raimundo,

is the icing rice-milk based?

- Non-GMO.

- No rice milk.

Non-- Non-GMO.

No, wait-- Hold on.

Hold on, Raimundo, yeah.

I got someone on the other line. Hello?

Oh, hi, hi.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

Yeah, it's your mom. Again.

Could you please tell her that

we've been planning this for nine months?

- We got it under control.

- Relax, honey.

- I'm fine, I'm fine.

- Hi, Mom.

I know, but it's too expensive

if the resort caters it.

Okay, I have to go.

- I love you too. Bye.

- Hey, Alice. Nice dress.

- It's expensive.

- I'm gonna step outside for a minute.

Okay. What's up?

Well, I'm the last single woman

in New York City.

I went to volunteer at

a women's homeless shelter.

They all had boyfriends.

The homeless.

Why don't you date Henry? He's single.

I don't know, Henry is sort of hot,

but he's your best friend.

It would be like f***ing you.

I'm gonna find you a guy if it kills me.

What's your Match.com log-in?

Is it still "Let-me-be-your-hole"?

"Let-me-be-your-hole-1

It was taken. The first one was taken.

All right, I'm following the dot,

and the dot--

It's moving all over the place.

- Where is it, Len?

- This way.

Dad, it's on the corner, so you don't need

to use your iPhone to get there.

Okay. Because the iPad,

wouldn't that get us there faster?

- Yeah.

- You are obsessed with this thing.

It's a sickness. Now he plays Scrabble

with strangers online in Milwaukee.

I am retired. Let me soar.

I know this building. Do you remember?

It was a sex dungeon.

Right. Let me search that.

Honey, you're gonna die

when you see these flowers.

I feel like I should just quit school

and start planning weddings.

Honey, what's up? Did you have a stroke?

Oh, no.

What's happened here?

It's comfier on the ground?

You want me to get you something, honey?

Chips.

The issue is that 40 guests

have already bought their tickets...

...for a destination wedding in Chiapas.

Who's going to pay those people back?

Because it's not going to be Lola.

Not when your heartless, sh*t-eating son decided

to pull the plug and ruin my daughter's life.

Honey, drink the kombucha tea,

it settles the soul.

Screw the kombucha.

Let me buy you something

with high-fructose corn syrup.

You want some nasty cinnamon buns?

I could melt cinnamon buns

and feed them to you intravenously.

No, no, I wonder, you know,

when you started to believe...

...that the mother of the groom

should be involved...

...because it certainly wasn't early on,

when we were making all the plans.

- Than ks.

- Sure.

You added a polar bear lamp.

Yeah, I thrifted it.

Okay, so, um, I--

I know I said I kind of subletted

this apartment to you indefinitely...

...but I'm gonna have

to move back because--

It's okay. I know exactly where this is going

and it's actually perfect.

Because my boyfriend just proposed!

We're gonna move in together.

Oh, my God.

- He had such a beautiful loft.

- Yeah.

- And it's rent-stabilized.

- I know.

My world is shattered, and I'm eating.

I'm power-eating.

- You're eating rice chips.

- That have so much sodium.

Hey, if anything,

you need to be freed, you know?

From the shackles of a steady relationship...

...with an attractive, successful man

who actually enjoys cooking.

F***, this is really depressing.

It's just, Luke is my partner in crime.

He's the person I want to wake up with

and I want to go to bed with.

He's the whole reason I went back to school

to get my PhD.

Now I can't even afford to do that

without splitting the bills.

That is not true. You can still go to school.

Work at your mom's restaurant part-time

like after we graduated.

What are we gonna do about our friends?

How do we split them up?

- I mean, you don't really have that many friends.

- That's true.

Except for Henry.

Henry is a mutual friend.

Honestly, Lo, this is good. You know?

You met Luke your junior year abroad.

I mean, you were a baby.

You need to be on your own again...

...dating other people, letting them stick it in,

knowing what that feels like.

You've never been with anyone else.

That's not good for character.

You know? Look at me.

Being single builds character.

Ugh. Oh, I'm sore.

- Who is it?

- Hey, it's Henry.

Okay, come in.

- I gotta go wash my vagina.

- Why?

What, you never just washed your vagina?

- Hi.

- Hi.

This is a consolation lasagna.

Just put it there.

I'm so sorry.

I don't know if you

want to see me right now or...

I don't know if

I want to see you right now.

You look terrible.

I know it's weird.

You don't have to pick a side.

No, I know I don't have to.

Are you serious? You have to pick a side.

You are prettier than him.

And I'm a better person.

So you say.

She's like Mother Teresa!

Only younger.

But not that much younger.

This is number one on Yelp

for best bar in a scary neighborhood.

You're gonna love it.

- It's crowded.

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