London Page #3

F*** you, Maya. lf you were my friend,|you would've lied.

Syd. Syd, you are at|her going-away party.

lf you don't calm down,|you'll drive me...

...and you, and everyone else,|and her at this f***ing party crazy.

Just say goodbye and let her go,|because she's gone.

She's gone, man.

Line, anyone?

No. No, thank you.|But do you have a cigarette?

l'm sorry.

Light. l'm sorry.

All right, all right, you know what?|l'm gonna go.

-Are you leaving?|-Thank you. Thank you for everything.

-Really.|-Listen, do me a favor.

Don't tell London l'm doing blow|in here. That'll really screw me.

You know, Syd, yeah,|you know, l'll try to remember that.

Maya, l'm serious. Please?

Hey, please tell me you're not doing|coke in my parents' bathroom.

-What?|-l saw you go upstairs.

-Where did you go?|-To the bathroom.

Swear to God, you're not doing coke|in my parents' house.

Oh, my God, l swear to God...

...l'm not doing coke|in your parents' house.

Okay, l'm sorry, darling.

All right.|Have a good time. l'm sorry.

How long were you two together?

Who? Me and London?|Two and a half years.

-You split when?|-Six months and a few days ago.

You're counting, Syd.|Not a good sign, mate.

Why? Why do you say that?

Joking.|l mean, what's the girl's name?

-Maya. Can l have one of those?|-Maya.

Maya.

l'd do some terrible things to her.

She's like an X-rated Barbie doll.

-How old is she?|-l don't know, like 1 6, 1 7.

Seventeen?

-Now l really wanna f*** her.|-You'd f*** a 1 7-year-old?

What, you wouldn't?

lf it's not against the law,|what's the problem?

You can f*** a 1 5-year-old|in France.

Does that make them|all pedophiles?

Right situation, right country,|you'd f*** one too, believe you me.

Right, right. lnternational waters,|deserted island, sh*t can happen.

But if any of my female friends|knew l f***ed a 1 7-year-old...

-...they'd lose it.|-What's the matter with you?

lf we told women a tenth of|the things we think and do...

...do you think we'd ever get laid?

-Like when l asked a girl to piss on me.|-To piss on you?

Yes, mate, but l was on|a horrible amount of X at the time.

Did she piss on you?

Actually, no...

...she pissed in my mouth.

She pissed in your mouth?

lt was not a pleasant experience,|believe me.

How the f*** does that happen?

What is the conversation that leads to|a girl having to piss in your mouth?

lt was a f***ing mistress.

-You paid an S & M chick?|-Many times.

''Many times.''

Listen, it's an expensive hobby,|both mentally and financially.

So, what's the deal?|How does it work?

l don't know if l want|to go there, you know?

Come on, explain it. No one cares.|Did you get your sh*t wet? Me too.

lt's my f***ing Savile Row suit.|lt's f***ing 5 G's.

l've kept it out of the rain all day.|Look at the state of it.

Look, l don't wanna go there.|All right, Syd?

Come on. l'm not gonna tell.

-Why the f*** do you wanna know?|-How does it work?

-You just go over there?|-Look at you, you f***ing dirtbag.

-You brought it up.|-You wanna go there...

...you f***ing go there. Leave my|f***ing demons to myself, mate.

-Where is it?|-Tribeca, you c*nt.

Explain it. How does it work?|You just walk over?

Look, you phone from downstairs...

...and magically they let you in|through these enormous iron gates.

You get all excited.

You get all wrapped up.|You can't wait to get in there.

The whole thought of it just|gets amongst your f***ing veins.

You're into it, you know?

All of a sudden,|they give you a form.

It's a five-page disclaimer|in f***ing triplicate.

And you're like, ''Hold on.|What is this? Paperwork?

l've come here|to get my dick sucked.

l didn't come here to sign forms.''|lt's hilarious.

You don't pay them,|you give them a f***ing donation.

l mean, that is so American, isn't it?|Come on.

And then they give you a list and|a little pencil, like in the sushi bar.

You start checking off the|requirements. Whipping, spanking--

Come on, you f***ing dirty|sh*t-c*nt whore. F***ing whip me!

--nipple clamps, coprophilia.

-What's coprophilia?|-When they sh*t on you.

Sh*t in your mouth.

You can have it in the mouth|or you can have it over a glass table.

Can you imagine? They f***ing|wheel out a glass table and they just...

...sh*t all over it,|and you're just like:

''You dirty b*tch!''

Who the f***|asks for that f***ing misery?

l hope not you.

Yeah, what about me?

Anyway, you know, there's a lot--|l mean, the list is long, mate.

-lnfantilism, you've got--|-What's infantilism?

They make you a baby,|give you a bottle.

Put you in diapers, nurse you,|turn you into an infant.

l mean, it's the sickest,|most twisted place you'll ever go.

l mean, they claw your balls.

They'll tie your cock up|with a shoelace...

...stick truncheons up your ass.|lt's twisted. lt's f***ing twisted.

But l'm telling you,|the moment you come....

The moment you come,|you are so sober.

I mean, so f***ing sober.

You're like, ''What have I just done?|What the f*** have I just done?

I've just paid $2 7 5|for some stranger...

...some chick I don't even know,|to, like, whip me...

...and piss on my head. ''

So where's the upside?|Why do you do it? l don't get it.

Well, on a physical level,|it can be rather pleasurable.

Psychologically-- This is without|getting too deep here.

--l think it has a lot to do|with pain and self-flagellation...

...both literally and metaphorically.

l mean, l don't know whether|it's the culture or what...

...but the English, in general,|are very into pain and spanking.

The English? Really?

Yeah, you're always reading|some story in the papers...

...about some judge or vicar|bent over a hooker's knee.

l didn't know the English|were so f***ed up.

Mate, the English are very...

...l mean, very f***ed up.

Yeah, one sec.

Sweating like a f***ing rapist.

Syd.

Come and have a look at the view.

Yeah. lt's Mallory,|the girl from the bar. l'll hook you up.

-Come back in.|-Who?

Mallory. The girl from the bar.

-She's hot. l'll hook you up.|-No, no, mate, no.

l'm too-- l'm wanked, mate.|l can't be f***ing with girls.

So what? So am l.

l've been drinking this piss.|No, l can't, f*** it.

-l can't operate like this.|-Who cares?

-l'm f***ing dizzy.|-She'll be in and out.

You help yourself to that,|l'm gonna leave.

-lt's been a f***ing pleasure.|-Don't leave.

Please don't f***ing leave.|Go get a drink, come back.

-No, mate, no.|-Bateman, one f***ing drink.

Come right back.|Work Mallory, she's hot.

F*** you. A drink of what?|What do you want?

Anything. A bottle.|Jack, tequila, whiskey.

You're staying, though, right?

-One f***ing drink.|-One f***ing drink.

Fine, fine, just don't go anywhere.|You'll f***ing thank me.

l haven't had a bump|in like three hours.

Bateman, this is my friend Mallory.

Mallory, this is Bateman.

Hey.

You're the guy from the bar, right?

Mallory, yeah?

Bateman.

Nice to meet you.

-Sorry.|-Excuse me.

-What a clumsy idiot.|-Sorry.

Well, how do you guys|know each other?

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