Looking for Eric

Nurse. What time is it?

- It's 4:
00 in the morning.

- Four o'clock? Jesus.

Try and sleep.

Listen, I'm really sorry about

all the fuss. I'm really sorry, yeah.

I don't know what got into me, nurse.

Eric, nobody's been hurt.

You're not hurt.

Everything's all right.

Listen, I got an early shift.

Can you get me clothes for me,

please, nurse?

You won't be going anywhere.

- Eric, it's all right.

- Can you get me clothes, please?

- Try and relax. Just lie down.

- I can't be late for work, nurse.

- It's okay.

- I can't be late.

It's all right.

I can't be late for work, nurse.

- It's okay.

- Can you get me clothes, please?

- You get to sleep. You get to sleep.

- I can't be late.

- I can't be late.

- It's okay.

Oh, Lily, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God, Lily, I'm so sorry.

You take it easy.

All right, Eric?

God, what have you been up to,

you dipstick?

- Ah, I know, I know.

- You give us a right scare, you know?

Something let go.

- Did you get any broken bones or owt?

- No, no, no, no, no.

- Has he been giving you any trouble?

- I haven't. Have I?

- No, model patient. Been fine.

- Can be a bit of a bugger him, you know.

Guinness Book of Records, eh?

You what?

Three thousand times

round the same roundabout.

It's a career change, isn't it?

From postman to astronaut.

I was daydreaming.

You went round the wrong f***ing way.

- You're lucky somebody wasn't killed.

- Don't. Don't.

A good night's kip

and I'll be as fit as a butcher's dog.

Where's me car?

It's like you. It's f***ed.

What about the police?

I've had a word with them.

They've gotta make a report, but I don't

think they're gonna take it any further

due to your psychological condition.

Eric, if there's anything you need,

anything at all,

give me a shout, d'you hear?

Any time. Day or night. All right?

Aye. Cheers, mate. Thanks.

All right. We've just dropped

the gear off.

The van'll be here in about an hour.

Can you let Ryan know, please?

Cheers, mate.

Listen, I told you

no more of your sh*t here.

It's only gonna be for a few hours,

mate. What's the problem?

How the f*** have you got in anyway?

F***ing hell.

F***'s sake.

Hey, did you give

those two pricks a key?

- What?

- Those two jokers who just walked out.

- Did you give them a key?

- What you on about?

What have I told you about

giving the key to people?

- You hear me?

- Yeah.

- Who are you?

- Oh, I just live here, love.

Oh, are you Ryan's stepdad?

- Yeah.

- Oh.

I want that sh*t downstairs

moving as soon as possible.

And I won't tell you again, right?

Right.

No need to shout.

Jess?

For God's sake, Jess. It's nearly

two o'clock, for Christ's sakes.

Get up for school. You're late.

- It's the middle of the afternoon.

- So what, man?

Will you get up for school?

Oh, just leave me alone.

I'm trying to sleep.

Will you get up, Jess?

Obviously, I'm not going to

school if I'm in bed, am I?

God, leave me alone.

Right, well, I'll just

clear up for you, shall I?

- Eh? I'll just...

- Oi, knobhead.

Who the f***ing hell are you?

Look, Jess, will you sort this out?

It's not a bleeding doss-house.

- Trying to get me head down.

- I'm just sick of it, I am.

- What the...

- Who the f*** are you, you prick?

- Pardon me?

- Who the f*** are you?

Who the f*** am I?

I'll tell you who the f*** I am.

I'm f***ing room service!

Do you wish to register

a f***ing complaint?

Look at my room, man!

Look, just go away. Move!

F*** off. I'm trying to sleep.

Piss off, man.

Look at my room.

Look at my room!

F***ing sick of it!

F***ing get it sorted.

- I'm up to here with it!

- What the hell?

Hello. We're not available now.

Please leave your name

and phone number after the beep.

We will return your call.

Dad, it's me again.

Where the hell are ya?

Will you phone me, please?

God, is your mobile working or what?

D'you know I'm missing two classes now?

I've gotta rush back

and pick up Daisy myself.

You've really let me down, Dad.

I am so pissed off.

Will you just ring me

and let me know that you're okay?

Have you ever had a shrink, Eric?

You know what he asked me?

When's the last time you was happy?

Today, at Old Trafford,

it's the return of Eric Cantona,

the most talented, temperamental

and talked about footballer in Britain.

Cantona takes control.

Makes good ground.

Looking for the shooting opportunity

and finds it!

Eric Cantona again

for Manchester United.

Crosses it towards Cantona.

Kanchelskis. It's a great ball.

Cantona takes it in his stride

and fires Manchester United

into the lead.

Drink a drink a drink

To the king, the king, the king

For he's the leader

of our football team

He's the greatest centre forward

That the world has ever seen

Cantona. It's still Cantona.

There's one back.

Cantona for Manchester United.

Oh, but he's won it back.

Giggs. Here's Cantona.

Yes! Eric Cantona with the goal

for Manchester United.

Look at the state of him.

He's got no rhythm. He's stuck. He's...

He's like a wonky wheel,

he can't get going.

I know, it's hard to believe, isn't it?

A few years ago

he was on the dance floor.

He was a brilliant dancer.

Look at the state of him.

I'm not being funny, but how long

is it since Chrissie bailed out?

Seven years.

And then he gets lumbered

with the two stepsons.

How's that work?

- Hello, boys.

- All right?

- What you got there?

- Shame, isn't it?

- Oh, don't worry, this'll sort him out.

- What is it?

Dog's bollocks this.

What is this?

- Take it from me.

- Now what you got?

You been raiding

the self-help section again?

You wanna be banned from bookshops.

If you can open up your tiny minds

for just a little minute,

you might learn something.

What Eric needs is laughter.

It's got it in there.

According to him,

laughter is the best medicine.

If you can make him laugh,

laughter, no matter whether

it's forced or artificial,

it makes you feel good.

Apparently it lifts your spirits,

it produces endorphins,

and all your body feels good.

If I was in Eric's shoes,

I'd rather have a good f***,

I'll be honest with you.

- Is that you volunteering?

- No.

I'm volunteering Jack.

Listen, what we're gonna do

is try and make Eric laugh.

Okay. One at a time. All go down there.

Tell him a joke, do a dance, do what

you like, just make him f***ing laugh.

Try and cheer the lad up, all right?

Do the best you can.

- All right, Eric?

- All right, Spleen?

Did you, did you hear

about the...

Oh, dear.

Need to do better

than that, Spleen.

- Hey, Eric. You all right?

- All right, Smug.

- Hey, two monkeys in a bath, right.

- Right.

One monkey turns to the other monkey

and goes...

- Like that, right? Right?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The other monkey turns

to the other one and goes

"Put some cold water in, you daft c*nt. "

- F***ing hell.

- Oh, f*** off.

That's not bad. It's better than

Spleen's anyway, weren't it?

Yeah, whatever.

- Hi, Eric.

- All right.

Hey, you're good at

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