Loser

- I think this might be it, Paul. Good luck.

- Thanks.

Boy, it sure is thick.

I'm in.

See, your brother's smart.

He's smart. Are you as smart

as your brother? I think so.

We are so proud of you.

- A full scholarship!

- Plus a meal plan.

First one ever in our family.

Of course,

the kid was reading Archie at one.

That's for Paul.

- Take this.

- Grandpa, no. I can't.

No. You don't know the city.

Everything there is very expensive.

Just parking your car costs $8.

Grandpa, I don't even have a car.

Make an old man happy.

Thank you.

Paul, dance with me?

Do it. All right.

Yeah! Cool.

Come on!

What are you doing?

No. Like this.

Come on, Paul. Do it right.

- You're messing it up!

- What?

There.

- You all packed?

- Yep.

Can I give you a hand?

Wiggle that tail section

for me just a skosh, will you?

Don't know what I'm gonna do around here

without my wing man.

I'll be back, soon as they catch on to me.

What have they got to catch on to?

Well, it's a tough school and...

...everyone else

will be more used to the city.

Did you know that one skyscraper has

more people than the town of Clairmont?

And they're all real sophisticated too.

You've seen that Seinfeld show, right?

It's just like that.

They've all got that

sarcastic kind of humor.

And who was purported to be

the funniest kid at Jackson High?

You told me a joke the other day.

It was hilarious.

- A frayed knot...

- String...

...walks into the bar.

- Wants a drink. Yeah, that was funny.

You're a funny guy.

I don't know. I mean, it's such a giant city.

How can you possibly meet anyone?

You want the secret to making friends?

- Sure.

- I picked this up in the service.

You'll have a lot of buddies

if you remember this one rule:

Interested is interesting.

- What do you mean?

- Well, everybody's got a story, okay?

And all they want

is for somebody to listen to it.

People are basically good.

If you care about them,

they're gonna want to be your friend.

All you got to do is look at people.

Look when you're talking to someone.

That's it. Look them in the eye. Focus.

Hear their story.

Hear what they've got to say.

You do that, buddy,

and you can do no wrong.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Wiggle that.

Excuse me. Do you want to sit in my seat?

You can have my seat.

That was for her.

You look familiar.

- Tall drip.

- That would be me.

Hi. I'm Paul.

Abnormal Psych.

We're in the same class.

See you there.

Left, no. Left, no!

But you're pushing!

- Guys, can it go over there?

- No.

- Good afternoon.

- What's up, man? How are you?

- Let me try that one again.

- No, that's good. Don't worry.

See you later.

Hey, guys.

That is a great hat.

Did the producers of Fargo

have a garage sale?

- Leave it be.

- Here, leave it be.

- That fraternity called for you.

- Which one? Which one was it?

Gamma something.

Gamma Delta. Gamma Delta Pi?

Gamma Delta Pi.

No, it was gamma globulin, it wasn't

a fraternity at all. It was a blood bank.

But they were really interested in you.

It was a blood bank.

The Hunger Artist.

It's the story of a performer...

...who fasts as a form of entertainment.

Sits in a cage all day. This is how

he manages to entertain his audiences.

But, with his dying breath...

...he reveals his great secret: He could

never actually find any food that he...

...liked.

- I meant that.

- Jerry Lewis, ladies and gentlemen.

Listen, do you mind if I continue

with Mr. Kafka's story?

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm okay.

Looks like you banged

your knee pretty bad.

No, I'm fine.

Let's put some ice on it.

What was Mr. Kafka saying

about free will versus destiny?

Anyone in the class of 167 students...

...all paying $35,000 a year to be here?

You? Lady in the infantry?

- I didn't read it yet.

- I understand that.

You had Ben Affleck

on the Leno Show last night.

Great stuff, witty banter,

looking forward to the movie.

Perhaps in the future there'll be a course...

...on twenty-first century literature,

but until that glorious day...

Want some honey? I have more.

No, thank you.

Listen people, those rectangular slabs...

...you're using as doorstops are books.

Careful. First time you open them,

they'll crack a little bit.

Don't be alarmed.

Florence Nightingale, what was Kafka

saying about free will versus destiny?

I don't think it's about

free will versus destiny.

You don't. Would you mind telling us

what it is about?

Sometimes you are so powerless...

...the only thing you can control

is how little you can live on.

Interesting.

You've reduced

the father of modern literature...

...into an anorexic teenage girl.

You just love humiliating me, don't you?

Dora, I'm not going to have one of those...

..."I know and you know and we know

and they don't know" arguments in class.

We've agreed that if we do this

it's got to be secret.

I know how ashamed you are of me.

I'm just your dirty little secret.

Secret means clandestine.

Shame means embarrassed.

I'd think you'd covered that in junior high.

Could you stop treating me like a baby?

Why don't you take me seriously?

I'm risking my job to be with you.

Is that serious enough for you?

I'm over 18.

It's not like you're selling me alcohol.

- Do you know Professor Brown?

- No!

- No.

- No!

Of course not. He lost his tenure

for having an affair with a student.

The board considers that abusing

power we have over impressionable minds.

- I could tell them how pigheaded you are.

- You are so condescending!

If I'm not smart enough for you,

then go for your professor girlfriends!

Your capacity to edit out ideas

you don't like makes...

...TASS look like

an Al Goldstein publication.

You think I don't know anything.

I think you know how to walk

in a pair of platform Mary Janes.

I think you know how to style your hair

with an eggbeater.

Save a little time by layering on two,

three weeks' worth of eyeliner.

- God, I hate you.

- You don't hate me.

- Say you don't hate me.

- Let me go! Yes, I do.

- Let me go. Stop it!

- Say you don't hate me!

- Hi, Ma.

- Hi, Rho.

- Hi, Brenda.

- Hi, Bren.

Hi there, son-in-law.

We're ordering 'za, slap me a big head.

I've got the descending dollars

meal plan so I already ate at the union.

I have $120, but it has to last

till the end of this...

Sorry.

Chris.

You think you could turn it down a skosh?

- "A skosh"? What the hell is that?

- Just a little.

I'm going to tell you something,

and this is for your own good, okay?

No one likes you.

They don't?

No.

- You didn't notice?

- Well, no.

- What did I do? Why doesn't anybody...

- I don't know.

You talk weird, your clothes are lame.

You never come in with a sixer.

You're just a wormy little guy who sits

in his room and studies. It's so gay.

But I'm on a Regents Scholarship.

If I do badly, they'll kick me out.

And I'm not like you guys.

You can just drink all night and still pass.

You must be really intelligent.

No, believe me. We're not.

You just got to play it smart.

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