Loser Page #2

Take a few Mickeys.

- "Mickeys"?

- Mickey Mouse. Cake. Easy classes.

I have to take my prerequisites.

I mean, take whatever you want.

Just try not to be so much like...

...you.

Well, you know what I mean.

Yeah, I guess so.

Just trying to help.

Chris.

- What's a sixer?

- It's a six-pack.

Beer. Thanks.

Hi, Rho. Hi, Bren.

Excuse me.

Come here, please.

What can I get you?

Your pantyhose.

How about a screwdriver?

They're really good here.

I'll give you $50 for them.

You can get three for $10 at Wal-Mart.

$60.

Please order a drink.

Just get a beer and I'll think about it.

Okay.

Honey, do you have anything smaller?

We can't change this yet.

Thanks.

- Why'd you do that?

- Get small bills while they're sober.

When drunk, they won't know what

they gave you. Supplement your tips.

- You mean give them the wrong change?

- They're donating to your college fund.

- Yeah, but that's stealing.

- You're funny.

- You are such a little sh*t.

- Annie, get back here!

You want everyone to think

you're Mr. Stud.

I had to tell them.

- You did not!

- It's "Truth or Dare"! That's how you play.

What's wrong with you,

are you're unstable?

You think it makes me want you?

Must you rub my nose in it?

Are you out of your goddamn mind,

you raving lunatic?

Look at her, man, she's a psychopath!

Here.

- Sal, it's 11:
30.

- I'm talking here.

If I miss the 11:50, then I can't get home.

Give me the money.

If people would show

a little appreciation...

Nobody appreciates anything

you do for them anymore.

You're $40 short.

What? That's impossible.

Want to take it up with Victor?

I don't think that's something

you want to do.

There must be some mistake.

All right, he should be here soon.

- Here.

- Thank you.

The 11:
50 for Westchester,

Bronx and Yonkers...

... now leaving on Track 17.

11:
50 now leaving Track 17.

Wait, wait! No!

Stop!

Ma, listen.

I got totally screwed at study group.

My topic was last, and I had to stay.

I rushed to the station,

but I missed the last train.

Where are you, Grand Central?

No, I went with my friend Linda

to the girls' dorm.

Can you stay there?

- Yeah, it's cool. I'll sleep on her couch.

- Okay.

- All right, I'll call you tomorrow. Bye.

- Bye.

She's going to "star 69."

Lt'll only be a second.

Rubin Hall, ladies' residence.

- Is this a dorm for girls?

- Yes, this is a dormitory for women.

Can anybody just get in there?

No, there are security doors

and a night watchman.

- Okay. Thank you.

- You're welcome.

That was great. Thank you.

Bless you, honey.

I got this girl's phone number last night.

Guess what she's got.

Herpes?

No, genius, she's got a pierced tongue.

It means she's gay, you know.

- What are you talking about?

- It adds to their sensual pleasure.

- No, it's for my sensual pleasure.

- It is not.

Let's ask Dr. Drew.

We got Chris on the phone from Seattle.

He wants to know which sex prefers

a pierced tongue more.

I don't get it.

Come on, guys.

I just washed all these towels.

Speaking of which, Paul,

next time don't use so much starch.

Has anybody seen my toothbrush?

You can't find it? Sh*t.

You better find that thing.

Those things can cost up to $2.50.

Yeah, and yours has such a nice handle.

You still don't qualify for financial aid.

Why don't you try student placement?

Those jobs only pay $5 or $6 an hour.

I make three times as much at the bar.

I can't pay tuition unless I work more...

...and I can't do that

because I have to travel home.

Not everybody who's accepted

can actually attend this school.

Why don't you try

to get yourself emancipated?

Okay. Thank you.

Where are your parents' tax returns?

I don't have them.

How can you prove they're not

claiming you as an exemption?

They kind of are, but if I get emancipated...

...and I get financial aid,

then I'm sure they'll stop.

Right. Who's your attorney?

Attorney against my parents?

Are you saying that it's uncontested?

Yeah.

Then you'll need W-2s, rent stubs,

proof of residence, power and water bills.

I don't have a residence.

You can't get emancipated

to live on the street. Okay?

I can't apply for work-study

unless I get emancipated.

- Then you'll have to get an apartment.

- But all my money goes to tuition.

Then you'll just have to make more money.

Noah, get up.

Give me a hand! Here, hold it up.

Hold it up.

Guys, shouldn't we call

the resident assistant or housing services?

We're not supposed to have waterbeds.

They'll think we did something bad.

Dude, it's only water. Let it dry, man.

- Guys!

- Noah, come on.

Noah!

- We have to resolve this Paul issue.

- That guy's totally weak.

We gave it our best shot.

I say we get rid of him.

Yeah. Look at him and look at us.

The guy can't possibly feel like he belongs.

If he was with his own kind, he'd feel

more comfortable, better about himself.

It would be best all around.

I try to get along with everybody

but that guy's got no personality.

And he reflects poorly on us

with the ladies.

- Do you take student meal vouchers?

- No.

Okay, Paul.

Apparently, you've caused

some problems for your roommates.

Let's see if I can't resolve this situation.

What are your complaints with Paul?

It's not that I don't like Paul as a person.

He a very fun-loving guy.

But we've divided up our chores

for the week and...

...he's always too busy

or has some excuse.

And we wind up doing his.

How about you?

He says derogatory things

about other ethnic groups.

And even though I believe

in freedom of speech...

...you know, it's like the way

smoke is air pollution...

...I feel that racial slurs are

a form of hearing pollution.

I don't want to sound girly

about any of this...

...but I think all of us have taken

an exception to Paul's personal hygiene.

How about he makes more of an effort?

We'll meet again after a grace period

and see how it's going.

I don't know if I could do that.

I love making racial slurs,

and I hate doing chores...

...and indoor plumbing is

just way too confusing for me.

That's who I am,

and if they can't deal with it then...

...l'd rather live alone.

I'll file this with Housing

and see if we can't get you moved.

In the meantime, better start packing.

- You from the veterinary school?

- No.

No? Then why'd they pick you?

There's a housing shortage, and I'm on

a list for another dorm, but since I'm not...

...a paying customer,

I'm sure I'm a low priority.

- That's okay, baby, it's all right.

- I'm sorry.

Did the mean man hurt you?

It's okay. Give me kisses. Don't worry.

It's all right, baby.

These are the operating rooms.

But don't ever go in there. They're sterile.

All you have to do is

change their poopie papers...

...give them their medications and

if any of the animals have an emergency...

...you got to page the vet.

And this here is your room.

You got your hot plate,

your bed and the refrigerator...

...but that's for employees only.

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