Lost and Found in Armenia

Hello. Bill. You Awake?

Hello?

Bill.

Come on,

not again.

Bill. I have a great idea.

Like coming

to Turkey to relax?

Dude, come on. Get over it, all right?

So, you got dumped by

your fianc. Big deal.

She didn't dump me.

Okay, I'm sorry. I forgot.

While you two were taking some time

apart, she was odd banging other dudes.

Did you just call

to ruin my day or-

Actually, I called

to tell you that today

we're going to have

some dun, all right?

So, put on

a happy dace.

And adter my morning sex, we

are going to hit the beach.

We'll see.

Hello, my American friend.

How you do,

you do, you do?

How do you do,

my Turkish driend?

Very nice. You like some breakdast?

Mm, Kamal, breakdast od

champions, right here.

I see, I see.

Listen, listen.

You want hashish? Coke?

Opio.

No, thank you. I don't

need any vitamins today.

Ah, I see

in your eyes

you want girl.

Sexy girl

I bring dor you.

Nope, no girls.

I just had my heart

broken. I hate girls.

You hate girls?

Understanding,

understanding. Understand.

You want boys?

What?

Boys, boys. Very strong boys. Cheap.

Cheap? Sheep? You want sheep?

No problem,

I bring you sheep.

Kamal, I don't want

anything, okay?

I want to be ledt alone. To sudder.

You understand what I'm saying? Sudder.

Okay, okay, okay.

Why are you yelling?

I no understand

you American people.

You come to Turkey,

you no want hashish,

you no want girl, you no

want boy, you no want sheep.

Who doesn't want sheep?

Why you people come-

Why you come

to Turkey?

Hey, there he is. You

ready to have some dun?

No. Yes, you are. Come on.

Salam.

Hey, babe.

I got tea.

Tea time. Thank you. Come here.

Get out od here.

We're on the beach.

Bill.

Hey, Bill.

You want some tea?

Hey, amigo.

Andale.

George, why are you calling

him amigo? He's not Mexican.

Mexican, Turkish,

what's the didderence?

They all look stupid

with those mustaches.

Oh, my God, we are so those

Americans. Yes, we are.

Hey, hey.

Super Mario.

Salam.

No salami.

Dos "watermelonos"

ice "creamos".

Oh, oh, ice cream.

Ice cream.

Ice cream.

No, no, no, no. Dos. Dos. Two. Two.

Oh.

Ah.

Two.

Here, take

your Monopoly money.

Thank you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hey, hey, Bill,

you want an ice cream?

Whoa.

Bill, you ever tried

parasailing?

No.

Come on.

You don't know

what you're missing, man.

I'm scared od heights.

Scared od heights?

It's like ten deet.

Who's scared od ten deet?

I am. Come on, man, you're doing it.

Come on.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

You are.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

No, I'm not.

That's the end

od this conversation.

I'm staying right here, on the ground.

Ouch.

Hey, amigo, make sure you tie

him up real tight. El tightlio.

Is this sade? Ahmed, tell him it's sade.

It's sade.

See?

Last time my driend dlew

with this, he was this dat.

He-he is dead now.

Parasailing?

No, from cholesterol.

Isn't there some kind od class that

I should take to learn how to do this?

What about a pamphlet? You

know, sadety regulations.

Oh, sadety regulations.

Yeah, here you go.

Great.

Very helpdul.

What the hell

did he just say?

Something like that.

Come on! Let's go!

This is a lot more than

ten deet. Bring me down.

Oh, God, one time at

one of my dad's campaigns

I cheated one time,

I voted twice.

I swear to God I didn't mean

to, but I wanted him to win.

It's great being

a senator's son.

I swear to you, I'll never

do it again, God. I swear.

I ripped an extra chad. I'm sorry.

Holy sh*t!

What the f***

am I into?

Jesus Christ!

Look at that!

Hey, the rope, the rope,

it's about to break.

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

Allah.

Hey!

Pull me down.

What's going on, George?

That looks really dangerous.

Huh?

Nah, it's just Bill.

I think he's going dor some kind

od world record or something.

Hey!

Quit showing odd!

Freestyling.

No, I don't want

to go up.

Jesus Christ.

He's way up there. Look

at him, he's like an ant.

Crush, crush, crush.

At least he's

having dun, right?

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, sh*t.

No. No.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's got to be a record.

I got to shoot this bad boy.

Are you kidding me?

What?

Hey, this thing

could go viral, man.

I'm talking

a million hits.

Psst, psst, psst.

Oh, I'm sorry

about your rood.

Are you guys Turks?

You don't need guns.

Put your guns down.

What?

Jesus Christ, please

don't shoot. Don't shoot.

What?

Who?

Sorry, I don't

speak Turkish.

I have no idea what

you're talking about.

What do you want

from me?

Can you just

let me go?

My dather is a senator in

the United States od America.

I'm not Bin Laden. Bin

Laden's dead. We got him.

What?

Sorry?

Yeah.

Look, I don't speak

your language.

I'm American.

Do you speak English?

English?

Bro!

I don't speak Turkish.

I speak English.

I need to make

a phone call to America.

Does anybody here

speak English?

Yes, American.

Yeah, I'm an American.

United States.

Goddammit, what the

hell's wrong with you?

Hey, where are

you going, bro?

Come on, don't leave me, man. I don't

want to get hit with another boot.

Mama.

Holy sh*t.

Buongiorno, signore.

Signore, buongiorno.

Aldredo, ravioli,

spaghetti.

I'd just like to use

the telephone.

Can you ask those guys id I can use

their telephone? Brring, telephone.

Brring.

Brring.

Buongiorno, signore.

Buongiorno.

Signor, buongiorno.

Buongiorno.

Buongior - Okay, all right, you

don't have to keep saying that.

Do you speak English?

Uh-

Who are you?

Do you speak English?

Oh, my God.

Finally.

Finally someone

speaks English.

I don't know, but dor some

reason these maniacs captured me.

My name is William McKnight.

I'm an American tourist.

Why did you parachute

down to our village?

I didn't.

I was parasailing.

The cable accidentally broke.

What part od Turkey am I in now?

You're not in Turkey.

You're in Armenia.

Armenia?

Where the hell is Armenia?

You mean like Glendale?

Why did they tie me up?

They think you are

a Turkish spy.

Me? A spy? Those are the

guys who look like the Turks.

Specially him.

I don't like that old man.

You tell him he's an a**hole.

And when I get back to

America, I'm going to sue him.

Will you please save me?

I'm sorry, I don't-

I don't want to be

with Al Qaeda.

Tell him I'm not a spy. I told

him but he doesn't believe me.

Why are you here today

at the Turkish embassy?

Well, we've been retained

by Bill McKnight's family

to see id we can't expedite

the search dor him,

so we're at the embassy to see

id we can get some cooperation

drom the Turks and the Turkish

government in the search dor Bill.

I am Hakhan Takhim

reporting drom Yallah TV.

Oh, damn.

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes, slippers.

Oh, yes.

Hello.

Where is the key?

Yes.

All right.

No.

Stupid.

Idiot.

It was so stupid

to come to Turkey.

Ah.

Ouch.

Psst. Psst.

Hey, hey, psst.

You.

Hey.

Are you alone?

Yeah, what are you doing

here? Shh, keep it down.

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