Love Happy

Don't anyone leave this theatre.

The Royal Romanov diamonds are missing.

I am Sam Grunion, private eye,

at your service.

Secrecy is my motto - I never tell.

You will notice even my business card

has nothing on it.

I am the same Sam Grunion who solved

the international uranium mining swindle.

Scotland Yard was baffled,

the FBI was baffled.

They sent for me

and the case was solved.

I confessed.

The Romanov diamonds still missing

are valued at one million dollars.

For eleven years I trailed them, through

the Khyber Pass, over the Pyrenees,

round the Cape of Good Hope

and into Gimbel's basement.

From Gimbel's basement, the trail led me

to a group of struggling young actors

trying to put on a show.

Did the diamonds bring them luck? Money?

Hardly. Once again was repeated

the same pattern,

a story of danger, cruelty, black violence,

mystery, murder!

By the way, what do you suppose

the story was called?

Love Happy.

# I'm love happy

# It's wonderful to know

the meaning of happy

# And if I do

# It's all because of you

# Heart happy, I'm kiss happy

# Whoever would believe

that I'd be this happy?

# Why are skies blue?

# It's all because of you

# Oh, my darling, my daisy, I may be crazy

# But haven't you found

# That we're doing what we like

and, gee whizz, we feel like

# Kids on a merry-go-round

# Night happy and day happy

# I see a future where I'm gonna stay happy

# And I know why

# All my dreams come true

# Cos you're love happy too

# Doo-doo-doo #

That's Mike Johnson.

Interesting dance, isn't it? He

learned it fighting off bill collectors.

That's Maggie Phillips.

She's in love with Mike.

She's a dancer too, but it's hard to tell

when she's sitting down.

This is Maggie's best friend, Bunny Dolan.

She invested her last $300 in the show.

It looks Iike a cold winter ahead so

she's knitting herself an electric blanket.

These love happy kids who were struggling

for success had two things in common -

they were underfinanced

and undernourished.

Today they had already missed breakfast

and their hopes for lunch

are pinned on one man,

Harpo, the strolling delicatessen.

Here he is, shopping!

Looks Iike a classy store, doesn't it?

Well, in the front they specialise

in hot delicacies,

but in the back they specialise

in hot diamonds.

Bless you, my man, bless you.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Quietly, please, darling.

Madame Egelichi, you are just in time.

The sardines have arrived.

Relax. And wipe that smirk off your face,

there are policemen around.

- Yes, madame.

- We shall wait in your office.

Yes, madame.

Thank you.

It's all right, boys, just leave them there.

OK, sign here.

Thank you, boys, thank you.

At last. At last.

You little darling. You're here.

- Is the pelican jelly in yet?

- Arriving Wednesday on the Queen Mary.

- I have it, I have it!

- Quiet, Lefty.

- It's in the third crate.

- I said quiet.

I want to enjoy this moment.

I have gone through a great deal.

How many commissars did I marry,

Alphonse?

- Five, Madame Egelichi.

- There were three more, no?

Yes, the Grand Duke

and the two ambassadors.

Eight weddings in three months

before I could track down

the Royal Romanov necklace

on its trail from bridegroom to bridegroom.

And now the jewels

are finally in my possession.

If you please, Lefty.

The Royal Romanov necklace.

One million dollars in matchless diamonds.

I have outdone even myself.

- There is something wrong, Lefty.

- Wrong? Oh, no, impossible.

- This is not the right can.

- I beg to differ, madame.

- Where is the can with the Maltese cross?

- You've got it.

This has no Maltese cross

on the top or on the bottom.

It can't be. The Maltese cross was on it,

I kissed it. It must have rubbed off.

It was put on with special adhesive paint.

A generation of rubbing

could not have removed it.

Mr Throckmorton,

may I present the Zoto brothers.

They take care of people I do not like.

Oh, no, let me open it.

The diamonds are in here.

Those hardly look like

the Royal Romanov diamonds.

- You may proceed, gentlemen.

- Oh!

Ooh!

Arrgh!

Eight marriages wasted.

The other leg, Hannibal.

I am afraid you have to stop, I cannot

concentrate. You are wasting your time.

Mr Throckmorton is too feeble

to try to deceive me.

Revive him.

I can't understand it.

I can't understand.

- I can't understand.

- Quiet.

Who was present when you found the tin?

No one, not a soul. The door was locked.

I put it in my pocket, I...

Wait. Yes, there was someone.

A strange-looking creature,

looked more like a tramp than a truckman.

You will call the police.

Inform them that a bushy-haired shoplifter

has been at work at Herbert & Herbert's.

Give them a full description.

Offer a reward of $1, OOO for his capture.

Have all the suspects brought

to my apartment, one at a time.

Police headquarters, please.

Say kids, take five minutes.

Excuse-a me. You Mike Johnson?

- What do you want?

- I'm-a look-a for a job.

- Wrong number, I'm all cast.

- Hey, just a minute.

You're missing a big band. Somebody told

me you're putting on a show with unknowns.

You're hiring-a people

who's-a never been-a heard of.

I'm the most unheard of actor

who's never been on Broadway.

- What's your name?

- Faustino the Great.

- You never heard of me, huh?

- No.

- What did I tell you?

- What are you unknown for?

I no like-a to brag, but the thing

I'm-a most unknown for is mind reading.

I give you demonstration.

- You are thinking of something...

- Right so far.

You are thinking of a nice juicy steak

with-a French-fried-a potatoes.

- The exit's over there.

- You don't want a mind reader? What else?

- Maybe you need a juggler.

- No juggler.

An usher? I bring-a my own flashlight.

- Hello, Lyons.

- Mr Lyons. So glad to see you.

- You're looking wonderful.

- Yeah, you sure are.

Mr Yorkman supposed to be here at ten.

It's 11:
30.

Don't worry, partner, he'll show.

Don't tell me to don't worry,

and please don't call me partner.

I am removing all my costumes and scenery

as of now.

He's mad, pulling out of the biggest

Broadway smash since Show Boat.

Don't tell me about smashes. Mr Yorkman

was going to underwrite the show. Check?

- I told you exactly what he told me.

- Well, he ain't here. Check?

Now the next step.

The situation is, either Mr Yorkman,

or $1100, or I move the stuff off the stage.

- As of now.

- Hey, wait a minute.

Excuse me. You Mr Lyons?

- That's right.

- It's-a lucky I meet you.

I was just talking to Max Yorkman

in his office.

- Are you a friend of Mr Yorkman?

- Friend? Max and I are just-a like that.

- Two heads on the same neck.

- Well, I'm glad to meet you.

You know, Max said to me,

"Faustino, you want a job?

"Go see Mike Johnson. I'm backing

that show, he'll give you a job. "

- That's what he said, Mr Johnson.

- That's good enough for me.

He's backing the show?

Use-a your common sense.

Would I be here if he wasn't?

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