Love Happy Page #2

I've been trying to call Mr Yorkman

to find out.

You don't have to bother

with-a Max no more, just talk-a to me.

OK. Maybe I was a little hasty

about removing the stuff.

That's only natural.

You can't trust-a nobody in show business.

Maybe he really knows Mr Yorkman.

It's a buggy ride,

this whole show is a buggy ride.

- Am I hired?

- Yes, sir.

Thanks, thanks. How much-a you pay me?

- That kind of talk's gonna get you nowhere.

- Nobody gets paid.

- Not till we open and click.

- That's all right, I was thinking out loud.

I'm-a no ham.

Ham.

Ham! Something's happened.

It's lunchtime and he isn't here.

- Who isn't here?

- Harpo.

Hey, Jim.

Have you see any funny-faced tramps

with bushy hair?

There's a $1, OOO reward.

Harpo, everybody's waiting,

you're late with the food!

Now we eat!

Hello, Harpo. You got-a something for me?

You want I should read your mind again?

All right, start thinking.

You're thinking the same thing you thought

about yesterday. And the day before.

That's the only thought-a you got, huh?

You're in love.

A beautiful girl is-a going to smile at you.

That's the only thing you want,

that this beautiful should smile at you.

All right, stop thinking.

What have you got for me?

I no want-a sardines.

You promised me something special.

Mmm, ice cream.

Tutsi frutsi ice-a cream.

A royal feast.

My Robin Hood has struck again.

I'll have these tomorrow.

Bunny Dolan, next number.

Rehearsal!

# Gather round me, my children

# Lift up your curly blonde heads

# Cos Mommy's got something to ask you

# Before you crawl into your nice warm beds

# Mama wants to know, who stole that jam?

# Who's been in her nice clean kitchen,

who stole that jam?

# Was it little Tom or Sue or Mabel

# Who snucked it off the table,

even ate the label?

# Mama wants to know,

who made this mess?

# Mama's gonna kick some teeth in

if you don't confess

# Mama wasn't lookin'

when that stuff was took-en

# None o' you had better scram

Who stole that jam?

# Mama's not the type that gets excited

# She slugged those groceries home

without a squawk

# But mama's gotta find that guilty party

# One o' you kids has to talk!

# Mama wants to know, who stole that jam?

# Who's been rifling all those goodies,

ate her leg of lamb?

# Seems to me you're acting

kind of flustered

# Bet you ate that custard

and topped it off with mustard

# Mama wants to know,

she don't wanna guess

# Mama's gonna kick some teeth in

if you don't confess

# You're that little el-ef,

what snucked it off the shel-ef

# I don't want that lollipop

# Mama's gonna blow her top

# You stole that jam #

I'm sorry, Officer, but this creature's

not the man. Good day.

- Yes, sir.

- Better luck next time.

Wrong one again.

We must increase the reward.

Answer it.

If ever I lay my hands on that thief,

he'll regret he was ever born.

I picked him up, thought you might

wanna see if he's your man.

- Bushy hair and funny face, they told me.

- Yes.

Excuse me, Officer.

Hang on to him, I'll be back in a minute.

- That's the one.

- Are you certain?

He's our man, I tell you. What do we do?

- So nice of you to take this trouble.

- No trouble, ma'am.

- Is this the fella?

- No, but there is a superficial resemblance.

- OK, beat it.

- No, just a second.

Don't send him away. The poor man looks

miserable and lost and without a friend.

And he looks so intelligent.

I would like to do something for him.

- Would you mind leaving him here?

- I'd be careful, if I were you, ma'am.

- You can't trust characters like these.

- But he looks so harmless and hungry.

- Please, Officer.

- OK, ma'am. We'll keep up the search.

Thank you, Officer, goodbye.

- You grubby little warthog!

- Mr Throckmorton!

I must ask you to leave.

Yes, madame.

Puh!

She's giving him the whammy.

I am Madame Egelichi.

I have been looking for you for a long time.

Because I think

you may have something for me.

Alphonse, Hannibal, search him.

Alphonse, Hannibal!

You will wait in the other room.

I think we'll be more comfortable alone.

Don't you?

I like you.

I like you very much.

I don't want you to be lonesome

and miserable.

I want to ask you a few questions.

A few personal questions.

But you mustn't lie to me.

I do not like it when people lie to me.

I get offended.

Alphonse, Hannibal!

This creature won't talk.

- There are ways of making him talk.

- I give the orders here!

- Wind of the devil...

- Stop that!

What did you do with the sardine cans?

Answer me.

Oh, take him away.

Give him everything.

But she was doomed to failure.

For right now the sardines are on a table

in Maggie's dressing room.

For three days

Maggie ate Harpo's presents -

smoked chicken, canned turkey, tuna fish.

If only she'd developed a taste for

sardines. The show would've been saved.

Meanwhile the cast went on with dress

rehearsal, unaware of the troubles ahead.

All right, let's get set

for the Sadie Thompson number.

Hey, bobo. Toodle-a-bop-bop...

That was fine, Maggie.

Now go change into your ballet costume.

Madame Egelichi, wearing

the pants of the dreaded cat woman,

was desperately trying to make Harpo talk.

First came the Hungarian rope torture.

For six hours, Harpo sat in the chair

smoking rope.

And four hours on the hideous rack.

An original from the workshop of

Ferdinand von Krackowitz of Monte Carlo.

Place your bets, place your bets!

When Harpo wouldn't talk, Madame

Egelichitook things into her own hands.

That meant only one thing,

her own specialty -

the insidious food and water torture.

- Has he spoken yet?

- Not a word.

- Has he slept? Eaten?

- Not a wink, not a bite.

Three days without breaking.

It's rather unusual.

After I've finished eating, bring him in,

and we shall give him the apple test.

You have refused to speak.

We shall keep on firing until you tell me

about a certain can of Portuguese sardines.

Fire.

Put that apple back on your head!

Ooh!

Nothing must happen to him. He is the only

person who can lead us to the sardine can.

- The gun isn't loaded, is it, Alphonse?

- No, madame, it's empty.

- There were only four bullets in it?

- That's right.

Grab him. The gun is empty.

We have been fooled. He can speak.

- I'll stop him.

- No, no, let him talk.

I'll listen in.

You, you got-a no heart.

They wanna sing and dance, but what

do you say? You say no, stop-a the music.

Who's-a you? Toscanini?

Harpo!

Some sort of code.

Mr Lyons, stop-a the noise,

stop-a the moving, it's Harpo.

Where is he?

Shh! I'm-a reading his mind.

Clear your head, you talk-a too fast.

Clear your head.

That's-a better.

He's-a havin' a party.

Everybody's-a hittin' him with apples.

That's-a lots of fun, huh?

Hey, what do you think? A beautiful woman

is in love with him for his sardines.

What? You don't say!

This beautiful woman wants to marry him.

How much-a money she's got?

Tell her to come to the Windsor Theatre.

We got lots of sardines here.

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