Love Letters

1

-I'll take those off your hands, senator.

-I'll keep them. Thanks, Kitty.

-How did things go, senator?

-Fine.

No. Not fine. I got through it.

-Charlie, look up something for me.

-Sir?

Find out who said, "Every funeral

we go to is really our own."

-The office, senator?

-I think I'll go home.

You've got the chamber of commerce

at 5 and a finance meeting at 5:30.

Home.

Cover for me, will you, guys?

Say that I'm....

-Indisposed?

-No.

-Working on the education bill?

-No, no, no.

Mourning the death of an old friend?

Yes. Say that.

-They won't buy it.

-That's because it's the truth.

-You sure you're all right?

-He's not--

Leave him alone, Charlie.

-Hey, Jake.

-Your missus isn't home yet, senator.

I'll be in my study, Ella. Thanks.

Get down! Jake! Jake! Stop.

Give us a break. Come on.

You'd think he'd lost

an election, huh?

"Andy writes again."

"Dear Melissa."

"Dear Melissa."

"Dearest...

...Melissa."

Dear Andy.

Melissa?

Who else?

Hi.

I saved everything

you ever wrote to me.

I did the same with yours.

I bet you never knew

I was such a pack rat.

Good Lord. Is that all me?

Not bad for a girl

who hated writing letters.

Getting it together, eh?

Good man.

What's that?

A Dead Sea Scroll.

Andrew Makepeace Ladd III accepts

with pleasure the kind invitation...

...of Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert Channing

Gardner for a birthday party...

...in honor of their daughter Melissa,

on the occasion of her 7th birthday.

Dear Andy, thank you

for the birthday present.

I have lots of Oz books,

but not The Lost Princess of Oz.

What made you give me that one?

Sincerely...

...Melissa.

I'm answering your letter

about the book.

When you came into second grade

with that nurse...

...you looked like a lost princess.

Remember that?

I do.

I do.

Everyone stand.

I pledge allegiance to the flag

of the United States....

Ready or not...

-...here I come.

-And to the republic...

-...for which it stands....

-One--

Over there, Melissa.

One nation, indivisible,

with liberty and justice for all.

This is called the salutation.

Now, let's all put our pencils

to our papers.

Dear...

...sir...

...or....

Dear madam, will you help me get

the milk and cookies during recess?

Dear sir, I will...

...if you won't ask me

to marry you again.

Andy Ladd...

...whom have you chosen

to help you with refreshments?

-Melissa Gardner.

-Melissa Gardner.

Yippee!

-Who washes your shirts?

-My mother.

-Who washes your shirts?

-My mother.

My mother doesn't have time

to do laundry.

She goes to too many

cocktail parties.

Is my shirt dirty?

No, but it has too much starch

in the collar.

Well, at least

will you be my valentine?

I will, unless I have to kiss you.

I should have anyway,

then and there.

"Faint heart ne'er won fair lady."

Dear Andy, merry Christmas.

I made this card myself.

It's not Santa Claus.

It's a kangaroo jumping over

a glass of orange juice.

I hope you like it.

I like you.

Melissa.

Dear Melissa:

My father says

I have to apologize in writing...

...for when I went swimming

in your pool.

I apologize for sneaking

into the bathhouse...

...while you were changing.

tell your stuck-up nanny, Miss

Hawthorne, I apologize to her too.

Here's a picture of you and me

without our bathing suits on.

Guess which one is you.

Don't show this to anyone.

I love you.

Here's a picture of Miss Hawthorne

without her bathing suit on.

You can't draw very well, can you?

Thanks for sending me

the cactus plant in the donkey.

Got lots of presents in the hospital.

I've gotta write thank-you notes

for every one.

I hate it here.

My throat is sore all the time

from where they cut out my tonsils.

Also, they take my temperature

the wrong way.

You made me promise

to send you a postcard.

This is it.

You're supposed to write personal

notes on the backs of postcards.

For example, here are some questions

to help you think of things to say:

Do you like Lake Saranac?

Is it fun visiting your grandmother?

Are your parents really

getting divorced?

Do you swim in the deep part

of the lake, or does Miss Hawthorne...

...make you stay in the shallow part,

where it's all roped off?

Is there anybody there my age?

I mean, boys.

Please write answers

to all these questions.

No, no, yes, yes, no.

I'm sending you this picture

that I drew of our cat.

I put jiggly Iines around the tail

because sometimes the tail behaves...

...Iike this completely

separate person.

I love that tail.

There's a part of me

that feels like that tail.

And here's some bad news.

My mother got married again,

to a man named Hooper McFail.

Help!

Let me out of here.

Dear Mrs. McFail:

I want to apologize

for my behavior in your car...

...coming home last night

from Billy's birthday party.

Charlie and I were just goofing

around, and it got out of hand.

I'm sorry you had to pull over...

...and I'm sorry

we tore Melissa's dress.

My father says you should send me

the bill, and I'll pay for it.

Dear Andy, Mummy brought

your letter up here to Lake Placid.

She thought it was cute.

I thought it was dumb.

I could tell your father

made you write it.

As for the fight in the car, you and I

both know it was Charlie's fault.

He never apologized for it,

thank God.

That's why I Iike him, actually.

As for you...

...you shouldn't always do

what your parents want.

Even at birthday parties,

you're always doing the right thing.

You're a victim

of your parents sometimes.

That was why I picked Charlie

to do the rumba with that time.

He, at least, likes

to hack around occasionally.

I'm enclosing a picture I drew

of a puppet on a string.

You are the puppet.

Your parents are the strings.

This is you, Andy, sometimes.

I know it seems jerky,

but I like writing, actually.

I like writing compositions in English.

I like writing letters. I like writing you.

I wanted to write that letter to your

mother because I knew you'd see it.

Like talking to you

when you weren't here.

-But a letter doesn't--

-You couldn't interrupt.

My father says people should write

as much as they can.

It's a dying art.

He says letters are a way...

...of presenting yourself in the best

possible light to another person.

I think that too.

I think you sound too much

like your father.

But I'm not gonna argue

with you by mail.

Anyway, the skiing's too good.

Get well soon.

I'm sorry you broke your leg.

Mummy says I broke my leg

on purpose...

...because I'm

a self-destructive person.

All I know is, I wish

I'd broken my arm instead...

...so I'd have a good excuse

not to write any more letters.

I'm enclosing this picture I drew

of the bedpan.

Don't you love its shape?

They've shipped me off

to this nunnery.

Help. Let me out of here.

It's the end of the absolute world.

They've made me room with this fat,

spoiled Cuban number...

...who has nine pairs of shoes.

All she does is lie on her bed

and listen to Finian's Rainbow.

Who gives a crap

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