Lower Learning

---

Radio DJ:
You can expect highs

in the mid-70s today

and unless you're driving

a jet pack to work

get used to the slow-and-go

traffic for your morning commute.

Now onto more troubling news

emerging from the Coolidge County

school district.

Millions of dollars are missing

from the school coffers

due to the district's sloppy

accounting procedures

and no one can seem to

pinpoint the missing loot.

District Chairwoman Olympia Parpadelle

had no comment,

but county insiders blame

staff shortages, incompetence

and a troubling climate

of corruption

at a time when the county's children

continue to score

at the bottom of statewide tests.

Moving on to sports,

it seems the chimpanzee

that interrupted

Saturday's community college

baseball playoffs...

Hey, you okay?

Yeah.

Same sh*t, different day, huh?

Something like that, yeah.

Boy:
Yeah.

- (bell ringing)

- # I wanted to #

(children chattering)

# To find another spot #

# To pay you #

# It's just that I forgot #

- # But nobody has the time #

- (grunts)

# To sit and blow my mind #

# But I'm so ready #

# To leave this sh*t behind #

# And you've been

around the block #

# More times than him #

- (grunts, farts)

- # And everybody catches you #

# When you've got nothing #

# But you're only 24 #

# But you still want more #

# And you gotta start over #

- # Every time you close the door #

- Girl:
Here you go.

# But don't worry, baby #

# There's another night waiting #

# And maybe by the morning #

# There'll be something

worth saving #

# Then I'll say you made it #

# Then I'll say

you made it #

# Yeah. #

(song continues)

# I wanted to find #

# Another way to look at you #

# But everybody's saying #

# That I've got way too much

to lose #

# So I hold you till the morning

meets the afternoon #

# And you don't mind

that I leave #

# You've got your things

to do #

(song continues)

# But don't worry, baby #

# There's another night waiting #

# And maybe by the morning #

# There'll be something

worth saving #

# Then I'll say you made it #

# Yeah #

(song continues)

# But don't worry, baby #

# There's another night waiting #

# And maybe by the morning #

# There'll be something worth saving #

# Then I'll say you made it... #

(bell rings)

(sighs)

I failed you, Pop.

(filing nails)

Catherine, the bond market

is for pussies.

Oh, God, what do the homosexuals

want now?

- (intercom buzzes)

- Boy:
Mr. Conroy to see you.

Send him in.

(march playing on gramophone)

(intercom buzzes)

Woman:
Jasper Macaveady

and Adelle Horowitz.

Jasper Macaveady and

Adelle Horowitz.

Oh, for f***'s sake.

(sighs)

Okay.

(march playing on gramophone)

Scotch man, right?

No, actually, I don't touch the stuff.

Pinot then?

Sure.

Jasper poured gravy

all in my hair.

I can see that.

Jasper, where did you get gravy

at 8:
00 AM?

Jasper buddy, you know the drill.

Go walk the railroad tracks

until lunch.

Hey, I don't make the rules.

Adelle, I don't know, honey.

It will eventually dry, so...

(crying)

I'll call your mom.

She'll bring you some new clothes, okay?

Oh, sh*t.

No no no. I can't hug you.

I can't hug you.

It's against policy.

Plus I'll get gravy

all over my shirt.

So, okay?

What do you want?

Do you want some grapefruit?

I got grapefruit.

Look, Conroy, you know

I can't discuss my dealings

with other parents,

but if you want those kind of grades

for little Julie,

it's gonna cost you

more than 10 Gs.

Gigi Fenstermacher told me

she only paid $7500.

Gigi Fenstermacher is a whore.

And do you think I served her

the 1986 Bouchemal Pinot

you're drinking?

Let me answer that for you.

No, I did not.

I'm willing to pay $12,000.

Now that's a substantial bribe,

Harper.

I want you to guarantee

straight A's.

Well,

then I guess when little Julie

flunks out

and she's selling her hot little body

for a hit of crystal meth,

I'll have to be the one to tell her

that her cheapskate dad

killed himself out of shame.

That's all I'm prepared to pay,

- nothing more.

- You can afford more.

- Bartlett!

- (over intercom) Yes, sir.

Playback.

(over intercom)

I'm willing to pay $12,000.

Now that's a substantial

bribe, Harper.

I want you to guarantee

straight A's.

(clicks gun)

Hmm, bribing an elementary-school

principal.

That's a serious crime, Conroy.

$15,000.

Do it.

(waltz playing)

(sniffs)

Me.

Me me me me me!

Go to the bank, deposit that

in my account.

And wear the red wig this time.

It makes your can look smaller.

Okay.

Harper, Rebecca Seberg

from the school board

is on her way here.

Something about

an emergency inspection.

Is everything all right?

Peaches and pearls, Melody.

Peaches and pearls.

Yank my caddy from class, tell him

to meet me on the hopscotch squares.

What?

That ain't mine.

Okay.

Say it.

It ain't yours.

Good girl.

This is your principal speaking.

Please be aware

that an inspector from the district

will be on campus today.

Carry on as usual.

No need to put on a show.

- (buzzing)

- Also, try not to eat the lead-based paint

that's flaking off the walls

in the south wing.

That is called poison.

Due to budget cuts, PE clothes

will now be laundered every third Friday.

And lastly, big thanks

to Bobby Templeton,

shop class is canceled

till we find the finger.

That is all.

(sighs) What?

Are we gonna

learn anything today

or are we just

gonna sit here again

and watch you mope

about your divorce?

(teacher muttering)

You know what, Frankie?

Why don't you go

f*** yourself?

Yeah, Sarah.

Why is Mr. Buchwald

sleeping in the gym?

You like questions, Sarah?

Yeah? Try this one.

How do you think you're gonna

make it to third grade

when you fill out your times tables

like a drunk retard?

Mm,

you know,

when my uncle was my age

he walked in on Aunt Sis

screwing the tub-and-tile repairman.

You know what he did?

He hitchhiked all the way

from Sioux City, Iowa,

to Annapolis, Maryland,

in one day.

He dove into the Chesapeake

and he just swam straight out.

He just swam

and he swam and he swam.

Next day the Coast Guard

found his body bobbing in the Atlantic.

You think you kids

got some problems?

Your favorite Saturday-morning

cartoon

is preempted by figure skating?

You try to fart and you get

a little poop in your pants?

Give me a break.

Try marriage.

Yeah, Sarah, what?

Can I go to the bathroom?

Sweetie, you can go home

for all I care.

Okay.

Sarah:
Bye.

Whatever.

(door closes)

Don't get lazy, Walter.

I'd go with the nine iron if I were you.

Shut up, Walter.

You're not a real caddy.

(phone line ringing)

(cell phone ringing)

Is everything in place, Maurice?

Like a jigsaw puzzle, my brother.

And you're absolutely sure

they'll shut us down?

Yeah, you got my vote

of no-confidentio

and the inspector's report

which will be nothing short of God-awful.

I'd say the coffin is all but shut

on your pathetic excuse

for a school.

Yes, sir, our master plan

is gonna make

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