Lower Learning Page #2

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your parental kickbacks

look like peanuts.

What about

Chairwoman Parpadelle?

Why don't we burn that bridge

when we get to it?

Don't sweat it.

She's rolling by later

and she's the easiest bribe

in the district, brohan.

Good work, Maurice.

Thanks, man.

Gotta tell you,

in no time we're gonna be

hanging out

in f***ing Surinam

snorting blow

off a walrus's cock.

Hey,

you want to get beer later

or something?

We could get, like,

a cocktail.

Billings:
What do you think, Maurice?

No.

Later.

You're my only friend.

(snorts)

Harper.

Uh, excuse me, Harper.

Hey, you... you have time

for a chat?

It has to do

with an inspection later.

Come with me.

What do you know?

Nothing.

Same with the faculty.

We're all in the dark.

Here's your brunch, sir.

A hard-boiled egg?

No, I'm good.

It's for the greater good

that no one knows,

including you, Tommy.

Yeah, but I'm the vice principal.

I mean, this is something

I should be let in on.

It's a public elementary school, Tom,

not some third-rate Montessori.

Things get hairy

when there are too many chiefs

and not enough

itty-bitty little Indians.

Okay, vice principal?

I like you, Tom.

I know your past, Tom.

Don't be a hero.

Back to class, Sarah.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, look at you.

Rebecca Seberg.

Yeah, the inspector.

Well, look, do it.

Inspect away.

I'll tell you what you'll find, though...

a school on the brink,

a school beyond all hope,

Old Yeller,

but not a dog.

Wow.

It's rare to find

that kind of optimism these days.

Sarcasm.

You know what that is?

Lobstergram,

yeah, from Uncle Plimpton

back in Nantucket.

Lobsters are

arthropods,

crustaceans,

cockroaches of the sea,

but for all that

they are spineless,

literally exoskeleton.

I'm not sure

I follow the analogy.

And I'm not saying

there was one.

Maybe now there is.

Listen, toots,

you spend all day in your

fancy-Nancy administration building,

but this isn't basic training, okay?

This is live fire.

And I should know.

I was in 'Nam...

three years ago

on vacation, fine.

But the point is, I knew

when that war was lost,

just like I know these kids

are pretty much retarded.

And a retard's kind of like

a dying dog.

All they're good for is a laugh

and a kickin'.

And a kickin'. Got that?

I'm gonna look around

if you don't mind.

Boom. Do it.

Okay, and lastly, we need a noun.

Basil.

Proxy fight.

(giggling)

(laughing)

Here we go.

Lately my dad's mistresses

are quite alfresco...

that's a great word, Calvin, okay...

but battle cruisers like that,

especially my snuffalupagus

kind of booger time... what?

- just can't gestate the proxy fight!

What?

You guys, what did we

just come up with?

We are funny.

I'm glad that we don't suck.

It's nice not to suck.

Yeah. Don't I know it, Mernay?

Don't I know it?

What luck not to suck

like a duck stuck in the muck!

Did you see what I did?

I rhymed it.

Oh, well.

What's wrong, Turner?

Well, if I just had

a little more love in this world

then everything

would be perfect.

But we love you.

And I love you, Basil.

I love all you guys, honestly,

so much.

It's just

I'm talking about

a different kind of love,

the kind of love that's wet

and smells a little.

You see, guys,

there's so much love in my heart

that sometimes it overflows

and all the wrong stuff

comes bursting out.

All right, Rinaldo, all right.

It's time for you to get hungry, okay?

It's just round three.

You gotta take this round,

and then you got just 12 more,

to make it up.

Sack up, all right?

(groans)

(liquid squishes)

Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, come in.

(sobbing)

I don't want to be alive anymore.

Rebecca.

Oh my God, Tom.

It's not poop.

It's gravy.

(dings)

Okay, that's okay. Have a seat.

There you go.

You had a couple of good shots

in there.

You got anything

you want to let out there?

No? Okay.

All right, Rinaldo, listen up, okay?

It's make-or-break time for you.

It is not just about this match.

This is about your manhood, okay?

This is Live 101.

If you let a girl beat you now,

they will keep beating you

until your prostate is swollen

to the size of a pine cone

in some Chinamen-owned Wal-Mart.

Is that what you want?

You know what? Do you want

to end up like me and Mrs. Buchwald?

You want to end up eating broccoli

and cheddar hot pockets

every morning for breakfast?

No, you do not want...

that's a negatory, Rinaldo Retanovich.

You do not want that.

Now I want you to get out there

and you punch that girl, okay?

I want you to punch her

right in her happiness, all right?

Get up there.

All right, ring it.

Shut us down?

But why?

Tom, I mean,

where do I begin?

Well, yeah, but...

Oh, you want one?

Oh, no no. It's just...

have you always smoked?

What is this, Salem?

Oh, no no, it's just I...

Gonna have yourself

a little witch hunt?

No, not at all.

Not at all.

Look, Tom, everybody knows

that your school has

the lowest scores in the state.

Huh-uh.

What about Petersburg Prep?

Their scores are lower than ours.

And everyone knows

about their heroin problem.

Those clouds are laughing at me.

Tie me off, bro.

I'm sorry, Tom.

I think my inspection

is just some sort of formality.

Perfect.

I don't know anymore.

I just wish God or whoever

would give me

some sort of sign,

show me what to do

with my life.

Wow.

You know what, though?

It all makes sense.

This is the story of my life.

I mean, in third grade

I wanted to be an astronaut

and then the Challenger

blew up.

You'll be fine.

You have a backup career, right?

This was my second backup career.

I've just got

to finally face it.

I'm finished.

Jesus, Tom,

snap out of it.

You used to be, like,

the world's biggest optimist.

Yeah, well, I've figured out

that the world

has got most of us by the balls.

All we can do is try and keep

our shrieking to a minimum.

So turn it around.

You take the world

by the balls for a change.

The world is just

one giant hairy ball.

It's so unmanageable.

Look, the district's closing

the school today

and something doesn't smell right.

It's the gravy.

No, it's Billings.

He's got something up his sleeve.

Alas, Pangaea was no more.

So take cover as continental drift

continues to shake things up

all around the world.

In conclusion, I hope

that you have all found

the phenomenon

of plate tectonics

very moving.

Wow, that was really great, Otis.

I didn't assign it but, you know,

that was spectacular.

Yes, Sarah.

Joanne McVickers has b*obs.

When will I get b*obs?

When you can afford them.

Mrs. Buchwald, aren't you gonna

at least try to teach us something?

Does it really matter, Frankie?

I mean, this ain't Rutgers, okay?

It's the second grade.

The only thing I remember

from second grade

is my hymen breaking

during a tetherball game.

Maybe if you'd paid more attention

your life wouldn't have turned out

to be such total garbage.

All right, that's it.

That's the ballgame.

Your choice... you can either

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