Magic in the Water

Kiro Newsradio 710

Welcome back to The Jack Black Show.

I'm Jack Black.

Before the break,

we were talking to Maggie from Magnolia.

So, let me get this straight, Maggie.

From an evolutionary point of view...

men have basically outserved their function

as hunter/providers...

and according to you,

testosterone is going to destroy the world?

Look, all I'm saying is...

after five marriages, I think I know

something about men, you know?

Ditz.

I mean, there is a difference

between men and women.

So you're saying...

What I'm saying is

that even when we're kids...

girls are nurturers,

boys are aggressors, that's all.

Girls want to play with dolls,

and boys want to play with...

- Themselves?

- ... A go n A s A.

Men are what's wrong with the world.

Well, ma'am, speaking as Jack Black,

your radio therapist...

I have just two words of advice:

- Stop whining!

- Stop whining!

- Next caller.

- Next caller.

I don't know how you can even call yourself

a therapist...

when you don't believe people should talk...

about their problems.

Isn't modern therapy...

Hey, modern therapy is the problem.

People wallowing in their own

pathetic guilt at $100 an hour...

instead of just getting on with it.

If more people listened to me,

fewer people would listen to me.

But the work I've done on my inner child...

has really helped...

Sir, I've two words of advice

for your inner child:

Grow up!

Next caller.

Yeah, hi.

Go ahead, caller.

I need you to help me,

to explain someone to me.

Ashley, do you know what time it is?

Go ahead, Bubba from Richmond Beach.

DAD:

Yeah, I just wanted to call and say

that your show really offends me.

Where you calling from?

I'm at home.

Has someone got a gun to your head?

I've been doing it for three years.

Three words of advice, my friend:

- Get a life!

- Get a life!

- Next caller.

- Hi.

Hello, Rochelle from Rhode Island...

Ashley, honey.

You wanna give me a hand

with the groceries?

And please don't listen to that garbage.

But it's Daddy's show.

I know.

Joshua, when I said

grab a bag out of the car...

I meant something a bit bigger.

Rachel, Gwendolyn, Consuelo,

whatever you want to call yourself...

Okay, guys, let's go.

Your father's gonna be here any minute.

I just have two words of advice for you:

- Stop whining!

- Stop whining!

Next caller.

Don't worry. He'll be here.

Dad!

- Hi, Joshua.

- Dad.

You guys ready to cruise?

What's with this research stuff?

They've been really looking forward to this.

They haven't spent any quality time

with you since last summer.

- It's not gonna be a problem. I promise.

- Right.

Come here. I love you guys.

You have a good time, okay? Come here.

"Interstate five."

"Exit 176."

"Exit 177."

U.S.-CANADA CUSTOMS - 5 Miles

How long is this ride, Dad?

Just a second, Josh. Yeah, Albert.

You have my numbers, right?

You can reach me on my cell,

or if that's busy, fax me in the car.

"Exit 301."

"Watch for falling rock."

"Welcome to Glenorky, home of Orky."

GLENORKY - ORKY It's about time.

Dad, who's Orky?

I know it is only four weeks,

Albert, but I will get it done.

You have my word.

Dad?

Honey, can you get that, please?

It's somewhere in the back.

They can give you brain cancer, you know.

Well, you can call me then.

He has my numbers, right?

Major roadkill.

Dad, I got a close-up using the image...

Two words of advice AI: Re-lax.

Did you say something, honey?

I just wanted to know who Orky was.

He's a stupid tourist attraction,

like the Loch Ness monster, O Vacant One.

Am I the only one who hears that?

All I want to know is if he's real or not.

- What, honey?

- That thing, Orky.

Probably some ancient Indian myth.

You know, some Aboriginal deity.

"Space, the final frontier."

Josh, get a life.

Dad, I bet I could drive this thing.

- Dad.

- One second.

Where are we?

I don't know. We passed a bridge.

Left at the Dairy Queen?

I don't know. It's your map!

Dr. WANDA BELL - PSYCHIATRIS GROUP THERAPY - SESSIONS DAILY

ENQUIRE WITHIN:

Okay, let's get started. Hi, everyone.

Hi, Dr Bell.

Today we have a new recruit.

Frank has come to us for help.

Frank, do you want to tell the others

what you told me?

Hi. I'm...

Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Hi, Bob.

Frank, it's okay to use your real name here.

All right.

I'm Frank.

Frank.

- Hi, Frank.

- Hi.

And my body was...

inhabited by...

Orky.

Oh, God. See, now we're into it.

Okay, here we go.

I told you about Orky, huh? Didn't I say it?

I did, huh?

He was in my body.

Did you get to go into his cave?

He was you and you were him, right?

This isn't happening. I'm not hearing this.

I don't believe in monsters

'cause monsters don't exist.

Exactly what happened to me. In his cave...

Gentlemen. Gentlemen!

Right.

Go ahead, Frank.

Well, at first...

I was scared.

And then...

it was amazing.

I could actually breathe underwater.

And when you came to, you found yourself

building a sand castle?

I don't believe in monsters,

'cause monsters don't exist.

It didn't inhabit my body.

I didn't become a fish.

Gentlemen. Gentlemen.

Dad, is this it?

Looks like some demented tepee

or something.

We have a dock. Our own dock.

This is great!

Dad, come look!

Water.

Uncarbonated.

It's beautiful, isn't it?

You're just like your mother.

No, it's good. That's good.

Want to race to the beach?

- On your marks, get...

- Wait, wait.

Hello.

Hello.

Hi.

"Dad's Easter. June 20th."

I hate to tell you this, Ash, but I don't

think there's a cassette player here.

That's okay, I can hear them in my head.

I just locked that.

Yeah.

- Leave it locked!

- Chicken. Chicken.

I'm not chicken.

Just close the damn window!

- What are you chicken of?

- Josh!

What is going on?

Hormones.

I asked him to close the window,

and he called me a chicken.

You're two rational human beings,

I've got work to do.

Three words:
Deal with it.

Daddy! Hey, Dad!

Daddy!

Dad!

Dad!

The monster! He's real! He ate my cookies.

You mean, you lost your cookies.

Dad!

Greetings!

I'm Joe Pickled Trout,

your property manager.

Dad! Orky, he ate my cookies.

Don't worry about it, honey.

Get you some more.

Morning.

It's really my uncle Kipper's property.

He lives in the main house,

but he's past the day.

About three fries short of a happy meal.

We keep him sedated.

I bet I could drive this.

How about this?

Only $500 extra for the month.

I could definitely drive that.

Come on, Dad.

Anyone for a tour?

It's on the house.

There hasn't been a sighting since '89,

so business is kind of slow.

How long has this Orky thing

been a tourist attraction?

Only since I took over.

My uncle Kipper has considered himself

a bit of a purist.

- Joe!

- Hey, Bobby. Hey, Mary Elle.

Now he thinks

I've somehow gone commercial.

Joe's Orky EMPORIUM

Here we are, Orky Central.

Big bucks scientific expedition.

The Japanese have developed this new,

super hi-tech radar...

that can sweep the entire lake.

They just might find old Orky,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes