Major Barbara Page #6

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But I'll teach her to drop me as if I was

dead, and I'll teach him to meddle with my Judy.

- What's his bleeding name?

- Sergeant Todger Fairmile.

I'll go with him, miss. I

want to see them two meet.

And I'll take him to the

infirmary when it's over.

Here. Is, uh... Is that him

what you were speaking of?

- That's him.

- Him what wrestled with the Jap?

That's him. He's given up fighting for religion,

so he's a bit fresh for want of exercise.

But he'll be very glad

to see you. Come along.

- Here. What's his

weight? - Fourteen-five.

Go and talk to him,

Bill. He'll convert you.

He'll convert your head

into a mashed potato.

I ain't afraid of him.

I ain't afraid of nobody.

But he can lick me.

She's done me.

You ain't going?

I thought not.

- Jenny. Jenny!

- Yes, Major?

Send Rummy Mitchens

out here to clear away.

- Oh, I think she's afraid.

- Nonsense. She'll do as she's told.

Rummy! Rummy, the major

says you must come.

[Rummy] Oh, all rightl I'm coming then.

Poor little Jenny. Are you tired?

- Does it hurt?

- No, it's all right now. It's nothing.

But as hard as he could hit, I expect.

Poor Bill. You don't feel

angry with him, do you?

Oh, no, no. Indeed I don't, Major.

Bless his poor heart.

Now, come on, Rummy. Bustle.

Take in these mugs and plates to be washed

and throw those crumbs about for the birds.

There ain't got to be no crumbs.

This ain't the time to

waste good bread on birds!

[Snobby] Major. Majorl

[Shouting]

- Major Barbara! [Crying]

- Well, my dear.

Hello, Papa. So you kept your promise.

I'll get the law on you, you flat-eared,

pig-nosed potwallopper, you...

if she'd let me!

You're no gentleman, you ain't,

to hit a lady in the face!

Here. In with ya, before ya

get yourself into more trouble.

Ha! I ain't never had the pleasure

of being introduced to you...

as I can remember.

- Welcome to the shelter, sir.

- [Boy] Look at the old beaver!

[Children Laughing]

- What's the matter?

- Don't talk to me, you hear?

You leave me alone, or

I'll do you a mischief.

- I ain't dirt under your feet anyhow.

- Don't you be afeared.

You ain't such prime company as

you need expect to be sought after.

- Get out, will you!

- Oh, there you are, Mr. Shirley.

This is my father. I told you

he was a secularist, didn't I?

Perhaps you'll be able

to comfort one another.

A secularist? Not the least in the world.

On the contrary, I'm a confirmed mystic.

I'm sorry. By the way, Papa...

what is your religion in case

I have to introduce you again?

My religion? My dear, I'm a

millionaire. That's my religion.

Then I'm afraid you and Mr. Shirley won't

be able to comfort one another after all.

You're not a millionaire,

are you, Peter?

No. And proud of it.

Poverty, my friend, isn't

a thing to be proud of.

Who made your millions for you?

Me and my like.

What kept us poor? Keeping you rich!

I wouldn't have your conscience,

not for all your income!

And I wouldn't have your income, not

for all your conscience, Mr. Shirley.

You wouldn't think he was

my father, would you, Peter?

Will you go into the kitchen

and lend the lasses a hand?

Oh, yes, I... I'm in their

debt for a meal, ain't I?

No, not because you're in their

debt, but for love of them, Peter.

For love of them.

There now, don't stare

at me. In with you.

And give that conscience

of yours a holiday.

Oh, never mind me, my dear.

You just go about your work

and let me watch it for a while.

Very well, Papa.

For instance, what's the matter

with this outpatient over here?

Oh, we'll cure him

in no time. Just wait.

[Train Engine Chugging]

[Horn Honking]

It would be nice just to stamp on Mog

Habbijam's face, wouldn't it, Bill?

It's a lie. I never said so!

- Who told you what was in my mind?

- Only your new friend.

- What new friend?

- The devil, Bill.

When he gets round people, they

get miserable, just like you.

- I ain't miserable. - Well, if you're

happy, why don't you look happy, as we do?

I'm happy enough, I tell ya.

Why can't you leave me alone?

What have I done to you? I ain't

smashed your face in, have I?

- It's not me that's getting at you, Bill.

- Who else is it?

Somebody that doesn't intend you

to smash women's faces, I suppose.

Somebody, or something, that

wants to make a man of you.

Make a man of me? Ain't I a

man, eh? Who says I'm not a man?

Well, there's a man in

you somewhere, I suppose.

But why did he let you go and

smash little Jenny Hill's face?

Now, that wasn't very

manly of him, was it?

Have done with it, I tell you! Chuck it! I'm

sick of your Jenny Hill and her silly face!

Then why do you keep thinking about it?

Why does it keep coming up

against you in your mind?

You're not getting

converted, are you, Bill?

- Not me! Not likely!

- That's the spirit!

Hold out against it. Put out your

strength. Don't let us get you cheap.

Todger Fairmile said he wrestled

against his salvation harder...

than he ever wrestled with

the Jap at the music hall.

He gave in to the Jap when

his arm was going to break...

but he didn't give in to his salvation

till his heart was going to break.

Oh, perhaps you'll escape that. You

haven't any heart, have you, Bill?

Why ain't I got a heart,

same as what anybody else has?

Well, a man with a heart wouldn't have

smashed poor little Jenny Hill's face, would he?

Leave me alone, will ya?

Have I ever meddled with you?

Naggin' and provokin' me like this!

It's your soul that's

hurting you, Bill, and not me.

We've been through it all ourselves.

Come with us, Bill, to brave manhood

on earth and eternal glory in heaven.

Come.

Oh, there you are, Dolly.

I want to introduce a new

friend of mine, Mr. Bill Walker.

Bill, this is my bloke, Mr. Cusins.

- What? Going to marry him?

- Yes.

Heaven help him. Heaven help him.

Why? Don't you think

he'll be happy with me?

Well, I've only had to stand it for an

afternoon. He'll have to stand it for a lifetime.

That is a frightful reflection, Mr. Walker,

but I can't tear myself away from her.

Well, I can. Here. Do you know where

I'm going to and what I'm gonna do?

Yes. You're going to heaven, and you're coming

back here before the week's out to tell me so.

You lie. I'm going to Tower Bridge

to spit in Todger Fairmile's eye.

I bashed Jenny Hill's face in.

Well, now I'll get me own face bashed

and come back and show it to her.

He'll hit me harder than what I

hit her. That will make us square.

Is that fair, or is it not? You're

a gentleman. You ought to know.

But two black eyes won't

make one white one, Bill.

Can't you never keep your mouth

shut? I asked the gentleman.

Yes, I think you're right, Mr.

Walker. Yes, I should do it.

It's curious. It's exactly what

an ancient Greek would have done.

But what good will it do?

Well, it'll give Mr. Fairmile some exercise,

and it will satisfy Mr. Walker's soul.

There ain't no such thing as a soul.

How can you tell whether I've got a

soul or not? You ain't never seen it.

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