Major Payne

"Bad To The Bone" by George

Thorogood and the Destroyers

Now on the day

I was born

The nurses all

gathered round

And they gazed

in wide wonder

At the joy they had found

The head nurse spoke up

Said leave this one alone

She could tell right away

That I was bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

Bad

- Let's move out !

- Get in front of that wall !

- B-B-B-B-Bad

- Follow me !

B-B-B-B-Bad

Bad to the bone

When I walk the streets

Kings and queens step aside

- Every woman I meet

They all stay satisfied

I wanna tell you about it

baby

What I see

I make my own

And I'm here

to tell you, honey

- That I'm bad to the bone

- My arm !

- Bad to the bone

- I've been shot !

- Bad to the bone

Let me take a look at that.

- Want me to show you a little trick ?

Take your mind

off that arm ?

Give me your hand.

Now, you may feel

a little... pressure.

Agh ! My finger !

My finger !

- Work every time.

And I'm bad to the bone

Bad to the bone

B-B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

Bad to the bone

You had better give up, senor.

You cannot kill us all.

Nope, but I can clean

your colon out quicker than...

one of them burritos

with extra guacamole sauce.

And I'm bad to the bone

B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

B-B-B-B-Bad

At ease, Payne.

Relax. Do you know

why you're here ?

Sir, no, sir !

The promotion board report

came out last week.

This is the new

lieutenant colonel list.

Your name is not on it.

You get two chances

to advance,

then we gotta

show you the hatch.

Base admin is cutting your

discharge orders right now.

General, are you tryin' to tell me

in all this man's military...

there is no room left for

a trained weapon of destruction ?

The fighting is no longer

done on the battlefields, Payne.

Now all the blood is shed

in the halls of Congress.

Boys like us

are becoming dinosaurs.

There gotta be somebody

need some killin'.

I'm sorry, Major,

there's no one left.

You've killed 'em all.

Good luck.

It's been two whole

weeks since I killed me a man,

and already I'm startin'

to get the itch.

Problem is I ain't

got nothin' to scratch.

God, I'm hungry.

Hungry for action.

- Hungry for blood.

Hell.

I'm just

plain ol' hungry.

- Feel I'm gettin' weaker...

while Charlie's growin'

stronger in the jungle.

I can't lose my edge.

I gotta keep my strength up.

I gotta maintain discipline.

Because the hard reality was...

I gotta get a job.

- And what better place...

than somewhere that would

allow me to employ...

my skills

as a trained killer.

Mister... Payne ?

This is a dramatization

of a domestic violence dispute.

You arrive on the scene to find

a woman, played by Ms. Goodwin,

- Hello, ma'am.

- claiming to have been assaulted...

by her husband,

played by Mr. Shipman.

- Happy to meet you.

- Same here.

Your objective is to effectively

neutralize the situation.

Neutralize.

Begin.

He hit me !

- You like to beat women ?

- Officer, l--

Don't never... hit...

her... again.

- Hear me ? Hear me ? Huh ?

- I-l can't-- Wait !

Agh ! Ooh !

Payne, what happened ?

You've only been out one week.

It's civilian life, sir.

I had a minor setback.

Listen, I made some calls,

and I got an assignment for you.

It's not great, you understand,

but it gets you back in the military.

So after two and a half weeks...

of livin' a civilian puke's

existence,

I was back in uniform,

back in the Corps.

Back to the sweet smell

of mustard gas...

and killin'.

Little did I know

what awaited for me.

I've toured 11 separate

engagements...

from Iraq to Haiti,

but nothin' I did would prepare me

for this newest assignment.

I was told it would be

my greatest challenge.

It was sure to be

a living hell.

The Glee Club...

- will be meeting at 3:30.

Will the teachers

please report to the quad...

for the science fair judging.

Tiger ? Tiger, come back here.

- I'm not gonna chase you.

What you runnin' from, boy ?

She's tryin' to give me

a shot !

You don't like needles ?

You want me to show you a little trick

take your mind off that pain ?

Here, gimme your hand.

Now, you may

feel a little bit of pressure.

Hi, I'm Emily Walburn,

the school counselor.

You must be Major Payne.

That's a mighty fine handshake

you got there.

- You wanna wrestle ?

Uh, no thanks.

I wrestle with these kids all day.

This one's usually my big helper.

Come on, Tiger.

Nice meeting you, Major.

Nice meetin' you,

Miss Ma'am.

Tiger !

Tiger, come back here !

I'm not gonna chase you.

Mmm.

- Come in.

Major Payne reportin'

for duty, sir !

What ?

Major Payne.

The new commandant ?

Oh. Right.

You're in charge of the green boys.

Come again ?

The green boys.

They wear those green things.

You know, it's funny, when they stand

in front of bushes, I can't see them.

Why are you here ?

The R.O.T.C. program.

I understand you've been placin'

last, eight years runnin'

in the Virginia Military Games.

- I am here to remedy that.

We have an R.O.T.C. program ?

- The green boys, sir.

- Oh, right.

Between us, I don't care

what you do with those boys,

as long as you keep them

out of my hair.

Is that all ?

- Oh ! Would you like

a tour of the campus ?

No. I'd like to see

my men.

Fall in ! Move it,

you idiots ! Let's go !

Come on, Williams !

Let's move it. Get a hop on it, boy !

Mo-o-o-o-ve !

Fall in, everyone !

Fall in ! Let's go !

Come on, people !

Mo-o-o-ve !

Hustle, hustle, hustle !

Let's go. Giddyap !

Giddyap, let's go !

Sir, the squad

is formed, sir !

Carry on.

My name is

Major Benson Winifred Payne !

As of 0800...

I am replacin'

Major Frankfurt...

as your commanding officer !

See now,

what we have here...

is a failure to communicate.

Do... not... attempt...

to challenge...

my... authority !

I have eight weeks

to turn you gaggle of maggots...

into a well-disciplined

cadet unit.

From this day forward,

your sorry asses belong to me.

You will not eat, sleep,

drink, blow your nose,

or even dig in your butts

without my say-so !

Know this:
Killin'

is my business, ladies,

and business is good !

- Yoo-hoo !

- What ?

I have to go

to the bathroom.

- You hold it, turd.

- I can't !

I said hold it, or

I'll break that off...

and kick it around

on the ground.

Now, be advised, ladies,

- we are going to win

the Virginia Military Games !

- I said win:
Whiskey, Indian, November.

Get used to the sound

of that word !

- Major Payne !

- What, boy ? What, what, what ?

I did somethin' bad.

- You nasty little worm !

Go change your Huggies, boy,

and be back here pronto !

Stop that cryin' !

You'll get no pity from me !

You think your tears'll stop Charlie

from takin' his bayonet...

- and stickin' it in

your little tiny heart ?

- What the hell was that, you

little freckle-faced cartoon ?

Did I give you

permission to sneeze, Opie ?

- No, sir.

- Then you hold it in,

you big-eared turd,

- otherwise I'll kick your ass

back to Mayberry !

I see we have a sickly boy

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