Major Payne Page #2

on our hands.

We're gonna have to boost

your immune system, son !

Drop down,

give me 25 pushups now !

- Count 'em out !

- One, sir.

- Two, sir.

What are you laughin' at, pig-boy ?

You find a piece of candy

in your pocket ?

- No, sir !

- What's your name, tubby ?

- H-Heathcoat, sir !

- Heathcoat.

You know, you remind me

of the doughboy.

If I poke your stomach

will it make you go

You know what ? I'm gonna help you

make room for lunch, bacon-boy.

Drop down, give me 30 situps

right now ! Let's go !

Count 'em out !

Let me see that belly roll !

- One, tubby, tubby !

- One, sir.

- Come on, pork chop !

- Two, chubby, chubby !

- Two, sir.

Whoo !

You's a pure genius !

Who you ? Redd Foxx ?

No, better yet.

You Richard Pryor, ain't you ?

Whoo !

What's your name,

girlfriend ?

Dwight Williams, but the boys

call me "D," sir.

- You can call me D.

- D, hmm ?

Yeah, brother.

- You like the way I handle

these white boys, D ?

- Oh, yeah !

It make you feel good to see

a black man runnin' things, huh ?

- Malcolm X.

- Well, let me tell you somethin', D.

- Yeah, brother ?

- Why don't you come closer.

I... am not...

your damn brother !

Now drop down, give me

One, sir.

What are you lookin' at,

ass-eyes ?

- Nothing, sir !

- You plottin' on me, boy ?

- No, sir !

- Well, let me

tell you somethin', ass-eyes.

Let me tell you all somethin':

War has made me very paranoid !

And when a man

gets to eyeballin' me,

it make my Agent Orange act up,

and I get the urge to kill !

- Do you understand me ?

- Sir, yes, sir !

- Do you all understand me ?

- Sir, yes, sir !

- I can't hear you.

- Sir, yes, sir !

And what is your damage,

muscle-head ? You stupid ?

You ignorant, or you

just plain ol' deaf ?

Yes, sir.

Actually, he is deaf.

Oh. Thank you.

Now drop down,

give me 25 more...

for speakin' out of line !

- One, sir.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Handicapped Man.

I didn't mean to offend you.

Do you speak sign language ?

Can you read lips ?

Let me break it down.

If you don't answer me

when I speak to you,

I'm goin' put my foot in your ass !

Is that clear, dummy ?

Sir, yes, sir.

Hold on, guys.

Wait-- Oof !

Wait !

Hey, guys !

Don't start without me !

Come on !

Wait ! Hold on.

Comin'.

Hello, gorgeous.

Welcome to my party.

You know, you're out of

uniform there, Mr. Fonzarelli.

Yeah, well, uh, l-l like

this look better, General--

- Admiral-- whatever.

- It's Major, boy.

Oooh. Looks like...

we got another major

on our hands here, guys.

- Oooh !

- Ha-ha !

- Major, ooh, a major !

What's your name,

girlie-mouth ?

Uh, Cadet Alex Stone, sir !

Yes, sir !

Heigh-ho, sir !

Well, I'm glad to see

you got a sense of humor.

So do l. Heh-heh-heh.

From now on, my little group

of scrotum sacs,

you will strive

to be like me.

You will walk like me,

talk like me,

and until you win those games,

you will be bald like me !

Way to go this time, Alex.

Dotson, take these men

for two hours of P.T. !

Yes, sir ! First

exercise will be the side straddle hop !

- Side straddle hop.

- Squad. Ready.

One, two, three.

Come on, bacon-boy !

Come on !

- Ready, squad !

- Dotson, sit down and shut up.

I'm writin' you up, buddy !

That's it. No more of this !

I'm writin' you up, buddy !

That's it. No more of this !

You're scaring me !

Hello, Miss Walburn.

Major Payne, could you please

help me to understand...

why you shaved

the children bald ?

Oh, that's my little

incentive program.

These boys have to

earn their due.

Their hairdo, that is.

Heh-heh-heh.

Do they have to earn

their bathroom privileges too ?

What do you want,

Mister Pee-body ?

Oh, he's upset about this morning.

Apparently he had a little accident.

Apparently he pissed all over

the front of his pants.

Well, maybe that's

because he's six.

'Cause he's six ? Woman, when I was

six years old I had a full-time job.

Well, I told him that you have

something that you'd like to say to him.

You think I owe you

an apology ?

Want me to take back some of those

mean and hurtful little things I said ?

Okay. I'm sorry

you're just a little turd...

that can't hold your liquid

out in public.

Now you get on outta my face

'fore I pick you up and

toss you out that window !

- Major, have you ever done

this kind of work before ?

Woman, under this here hat...

I've trained 20,432...

combat killin' machines.

Well, that's just my point.

You see, now you're

dealing with children,

and children have special needs.

Do you know what

positive reinforcement means ?

Is that anything like where you take

a P.O.W. and you snap his neck...

after you torture him, so he don't have

to go through life with a colostomy bag?

Sort of.

I'd like to

make a suggestion.

Why don't you and I

become partners...

in the emotional growth and development

of these little ones ?

What do you say ?

Will you be my big helper

and help me do that ?

- Yes.

- Good !

Why do I feel

like a jackass ?

Ha ! Look at that baldy !

Hey ! Your head's

shaped like a bowling ball !

Nazi, fascist pig !

I know where I'm gonna shave him !

Damn Major Payne !

I didn't want you

to be brother !

Most of the body heat

travels through the head,

and if I'm sick,

I'm gonna start throwing up.

That damn Payne's already

starting to get on my nerves.

Turd this, turd that.

Who he think he is ?

Just shut up.

You tellin' me to shut up ?

Why don't you shut your damn mouth...

and stop eatin' all that

damn candy, you fat pig ?

I look like Curly

from "The Three Stooges."

Did I say you

could touch my bed ?

- No.

- Get off.

Ow !

Payne's gonna kill us.

You know I have a heart condition.

I'm not sure he's familiar

with my medical history.

Let's go, let's go,

let's go ! Come on !

Move it ! Saddle up

that horsey and ride !

You ever hear of knocking,

Dotson ?

You won't have to worry

about that anymore.

I have good news

for you, a**holes.

Pack your bedding, your kit

and your clothes ! Let's go !

Where to ?

Hello, cue balls !

Welcome to the house of Payne.

He's gotta be joking.

The squad that lives together,

wins together.

Unity, turds.

That is the key word

in "unit," without the y.

Tiger, Leland,

you will reside

at the R.O.T.C. buildin'.

The rest of you garbage,

grab a rack and settle in.

grab a rack and settle in.

Let's move out.

You eyeball me again, I'll snatch it out

and put it in Heathcoat's cookie bag.

It's so damp.

What about my allergies ?

You know how far we are

from the kitchen ?

- Why can't I stay here ?

- 'Cause I said so.

Major Payne, sir.

What ?

Sir, I think I speak for everyone

when I say that this place is...

unacceptable, sir.

Really ?

Love my barracks night and day

Love my barracks

night and day

Won't complain

That's where I'll stay

Won't complain

That's where I'll stay

- Good plan this time, Alex.

- Why don't you shut up ?

All right, my little

patch of Brussels sprouts,

uproot yourselves, climb out

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