Major Payne Page #3

the pool and get some rest.

You're gonna need it.

Tomorrow, ladies,

we gonna start

the hard stuff.

- The hard stuff ?

Let's move it, you turds !

You'll get no sympathy

from me !

You want sympathy, look in the

dictionary between sh*t and syphilis !

That's where

you'll find my sympathy !

This ain't no walk in the park !

Move it ! Hustle, hustle !

Hey, Dumbo ! You should be able

to fly through those tubes...

- with them big-ass ears, boy !

- Yeah, Dumbo ! Fly, baby, fly !

Hey, Williams ! You tell

Marlee Matlin's son...

if he don't get across that rope,

I'm gonna hang him with it !

He'll hang you with it !

Ha-ha-ha !

Heathcoat !

You get your fat body

over that wall !

- Take your fat,

pork chop body over that--

- You-- You shut up.

Nobody's leavin' here until

the average for this squad...

is one minute,

twenty seconds !

Come on, he can't do it !

Leave him alone.

I can barely do it.

It's slippery out here.

Slippery, he say !

You think Charlie care

anything about slippery ?

Only thing he knows

is slit your throat.

What if this was

a life or death situation ?

But it's not

a life or death situation.

- It is now.

One Mississippi.

Two Mississippi.

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ?

It's just a dummy grenade.

Come on, guys ! What, are you crazy ?

It's just a dummy grenade.

- Damn ! Oh !

Who's the dummy now ?

So what is it, exactly ?

Concentrated dithiazanine.

- What the hell is that ?

- It's like a super-laxative.

This here'll pack enough punch

to take out an entire football team.

Payne'll never

get off the can.

He'll be makin' beef stool

'til graduation.

- Yeah.

- All right. Payne'll

never know what hit him.

Kill !

Major Payne, sir ?

Can't you see

I'm eatin', turd ?

There's a call for you, sir.

He's coming !

He's coming !

Mmm. Mmm.

Hmm.

- Ready !

- Damn !

He nearly put you in a coma.

- Ready on the firing range !

- It can't be legal the way

he's been treating us.

- Turds, commence firing !

- Let's just tell Phillips.

- Nah, that senile old fool

ain't gonna help us.

What kind of shootin' is that ?

Hey ! Hey, dummy !

What's the matter,

you can't see, either ?

We gotta get rid of

that son of a b*tch.

You maggots couldn't

hit a bull in the ass !

We're gonna

have to prove...

- Payne did something so vile,

so perverse,

so disgusting...

that Phillips will have

no choice but to fire him.

Like what ?

Why me ?

- 'Cause you have got the biggest tits.

- Shh. Shh.

- Ahem.

Well, why not Wuligar ?

'Cause Wuligar's

gotta take the pictures.

Look, it's been

four hours. He hasn't blinked.

These Special Forces guys

can sleep with their eyes open.

Trust me.

What happened to

the other dress ?

- This one's prettier.

- Shut up, Brian !

- Shh ! Come on.

Williams, go.

Man, you sure about this ?

He looks awake to me.

No, I checked on that.

Watch this.

Yo, turd-sniffer. Maggot-face !

See ?

He's dead to the world.

Let's go.

- Get in.

- Can't I just stand beside the bed ?

Get in.

- Get in !

Now put your head

on his shoulder.

- Are you crazy ?

- Do it !

- Closer.

Closer.

Now, now, now put

your arm around him.

Good. Now hold it.

Hold it. Okay.

- Hello, Betty.

- Aghhh !

Got no worry, got no stress

Got no worry, got no stress

'Cause we feel good

in our dress

'Cause we feel good

in our dress

Major Payne's

a major dis

Major Payne's

a major dis

Makes us squat

when we piss

He makes us squat

when we piss

Got no worries

Got no care

- Got no worries, got no care

I'm a baldheaded son

of a b*tch without hair

I'm a baldheaded

son of a b*tch without hair

Used to be Samson

Now I'm Ann

Used to be Samson

Now I'm Ann

Gotta earn my right

to be called a man

Gotta earn my right

to be called a man

I'll tell you, ladies,

you're the purtiest unit

ever underneath my command !

Maybe I'll have to

change my name...

- to Pimp Daddy Payne !

- Heh-heh-heh.

- Major !

What are the boys doing

in those dresses ?

They puttin' on

a fashion show.

I thought we had a little talk about

this kind of negative reinforcement.

Weren't you gonna

be my big helper ?

Yeah, but they started it.

- Well, I'm stopping it.

- Don't touch my whistle.

- I was just gonna--

- Don't touch the whistle.

All right, ladies !

Take off those dresses. Head to

your barracks. Fold 'em up neatly.

Let's move it.

- You should shave your legs more.

- Shut up !

Good day, Miss Walburn.

Do you really think

that this approach...

is the best way to gain

the trust of these boys ?

They may not like me,

but they will respect me.

Let me be more direct.

- They hate you.

- Good.

It'll draw them close together,

make 'em a team.

- That's a very cynical plan.

- Yeah, but it won't backfire.

Here. I would like you to consider

an alternative approach.

I want you to have this book.

Read it.

Apply it.

"The ABC's of the Loving

Male Role Model."

- I don't need your book.

- Take it.

- I don't want it.

- Take it.

- I don't want it.

- Please, Major ?

Okay.

Shut up.

All right. I got a surefire plan

to get rid of that son of a b*tch.

- What is it ?

- What ? What ?

- It's gonna cost us. How much you got ?

- Twenty.

- I got 25.

- Put me down for 40.

- All right, Dotson !

- Yeah !

- Yeah !

All right, we're takin' out

Payne tomorrow !

- Yeah !

- Yeah !

- Yeah !

"Love is the key...

to understandin'."

"The Three Bees.

Bee a good listener.

Bee sensitive

to their needs."

Well, hello, Miss Walburn.

I just came by to let you know that

Wuligar has a slight temperature,

so you might not want to

torture him this evening.

I will be... sensitive...

to his needs.

Have you been

reading the book ?

I might have glanced at it

once or twice.

Oh, well, that's very good !

I'm very proud of you, Major.

- Oh, shucks.

It ain't hard bein' sensitive.

- He's back ! He's back !

- Who's back ?

The man who lives

in my closet.

Aw, boy, get on outta here with that

"I'm scared of the dark" crap.

Go on, now. Git !

Sensitive.

Sensitive, sensitive.

Hello, there, fella.

You know what you're havin' ?

It's called a nightmare.

You know

what a nightmare is ?

Well, that's all this is.

Why don't you run on back

to your room...

before that man jump out the closet

and chop your little head off.

Sensitive.

You call that

being sensitive ?

Let me give you

a little history on Kevin Dunne.

- Both of his parents are dead.

- Car accident, 1989.

Lived in the Chelsea orphanage

'til 1991 when the school adopted him.

I know all about it.

Well, then you should also know that

the last thing he needs right now...

is a sadistic father figure

scaring the life out of him.

Maybe what he need...

is for you to pop your titty

out his mouth...

and let the boy grow up.

Excuse me ?

What did you say ?

I didn't stutter.

I said:

"Pop your titty out his mouth...

and stop babyin' him !"

I don't call it babying.

I call it nurturing.

And I call it neutering !

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