Major Payne Page #4

And I call you an insecure,

overbearing, psychopathic,

dictatorial, egomaniacal,

frigid, lunatic a**hole !

I ain't frigid.

He's still there !

You wanna see nurturin' ?

He's in there ?

- If he's still in there,

he ain't happy.

- What was that ?

Major Payne just terminated that

bad man with extreme prejudice !

And if he's still in there,

he ain't happy !

You run on back to bed.

That bad man ain't

gonna bother you no more.

Thank you, Major.

I love you.

What's your angle, boy ?

You plottin' on me ?

- No, sir !

- Don't you know I could snap your

neck in 20 different places ?

Major, Major !

It's okay !

He's just trying to show you

some affection !

I don't like it.

Make me feel all funny.

- Uh, good night, Miss Walburn.

- Good night, Major.

- Where is he ?

- He better get here.

Alex ! Alex !

- Alex, did you do it ?

- How much did it cost ?

- Where were you ?

- Shh. I did it. I did it.

Squad ! Atten-hut !

Let's go, maggots.

Follow my lead !

Payne's not here

He's in our ass

Payne's not here

He's in our ass

Butt's so tight

he can't pass gas

Butt's so tight

he can't pass gas

- Sound off

- One, two

- Sound off

- Three, four

Break it on down

Break it on down

Break it on down

Break it down

You like to rhyme,

boy ?

What's your name ?

Bushwick Bill ?

No, let me guess.

You Snoop Diggety Dogg.

Turds ! Front leanin'

rest position. Move !

I'm 'a teach you

how I rhyme military style !

One !

Don't you feel dumb ?

Two !

Look at you.

Three.

Don't you ever make no jokes

about me behind my back,

otherwise I stomp you

in the ground !

All right, ladies.

Hey, Dunne.

You missed all the fun.

Heh-heh.

That's another rhyme.

- All right, we're headin'

out to the field...

- There he is.

for two hours

of weapons drill.

Yo, Payne !

You Payne ?

I got somethin'

to say to you.

Fee-fi-fo-fum.

What beanstalk

you fall from ?

You know, I heard you've been

givin' these boys a hard time.

In fact,

I heard you couldn't cut it...

in the real man's military !

- I heard that it's time

for you to leave.

Know what I heard ?

I heard your mother was so fat

she played pool with the planets.

- Yes !

You thinkin'

about leaving yet ?

Actually,

I think the party just begun.

Heh-heh-heh.

Now, what I'm goin' do

is take this right foot...

and I'm 'a put it 'cross

the left side your face.

- Don't give me

that Billy Jack bullshit !

- Whoo !

Agh.

Y-You said you were gonna--

hit me in the face.

What, you callin' me

a liar ?

Ooh !

Oh, children.

Somebody's gonna answer

for this blood from my lip.

I want names.

I wanna know

who's responsible.

Don't all run at once.

I guess nobody's

responsible.

Guess I just had that one a-comin'.

Well, you know

what y'all got comin' ?

Seven 23-hour days...

full of fun and adventure.

I'm gonna

make you boys strong !

Sir.

Yes, turd ?

It was me, sir.

I hired him.

Well, that's one

death warrant signed.

Do I have

any more volunteers ?

What about you,

brown-nose ?

I acted alone, sir.

The rest of the squad

was unaware of my activities.

That's a pretty bold move

there, Mr. Stone.

What do you think

I oughta do with you ?

I don't know, sir.

You don't know.

I guess you should

probably expel me, sir.

What, and send you

on a vacation ?

Dotson !

- Sir, yes, sir !

- You are no longer the squad leader.

Stone. You are now

cadet sergeant.

If these men win

the Virginia Military Games,

it'll be because you

have led them to a victory.

If they lose,

it'll be

because you failed them.

- I don't accept that responsibility.

- It's not negotiable.

If I'm the new squad leader,

my first order is to screw you, sir !

What'd you say to me, turd ?

Why don't you go back to hell

where you came from ?

Boy, I am two seconds

from bein' on you...

Like white on rice and a glass of milk

on a paper plate in a snowstorm !

I will put my foot

so far up your ass,

the water on my knee

will quench your thirst.

Try it.

- You want me gone, boy ?

- Yes, sir.

I said, "Do you want

me gone, soldier ?"

Yes, sir !

Then you meet me outside

the R.O.T.C. buildin' at 2100 hours.

You ladies want me gone,

you'll get your chance.

Where is the first place trophy

from the Virginia Military Games ?

Wellington Academy, sir !

I want that trophy.

If you turds can bring me

that trophy,

I will resign my command.

This is a black op, gentlemen.

If you are discovered,

I will deny all knowledge...

and you will pay the price.

That is my deal.

Do you accept it ?

Sir... yes, sir.

Then bring me my trophy.

This is it, our big chance

to get rid of Payne.

We got two miles to get

to Wellington. Let's get it

outta there as fast as we can.

Hustle, move it !

Let's go !

Go, go, go ! This is

your last chance, Dotson.

What, you think I'm gonna come

and help you make me look bad ?

Anyway, I called my dad.

I'm leavin' this stupid school.

Bye. Have a good time.

- Whoa. Where you goin' ?

- I'm goin' in the black op.

You can't come.

You're too little.

Why don't you stay back here

and guard the base, okay ?

What's the matter with you,

boy ?

They won't let me go on no black op.

Th-They say I'm too little.

No one ever lets you do

anything when you're too little.

Aw, phooey !

What about all those stories about

the little people that do big things ?

Like Little Red Riding Hood ?

Them three little pigs ?

Spike Lee ?

Or them Little Rascals ?

You ever hear the story about

The Little Engine That Could ?

Let me tell you that story.

Once upon a time,

deep, deep in the jungle,

there was a little engine

that could.

He was chuggin' his way

across the enemy line.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.

Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

This little engine's

mission...

was to take some AK-47s

and a nuclear payload...

over the mountain

to the 2063 Battalion.

Needless to say,

there was plenty opposition.

You think that stopped

the little engine that could ?

No, siree, Bob.

He just kept chuggin' along.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.

Chugga, chugga.

Toot, toot !

Not even when they climbed

aboard the train and popped out

the eyes of the conductor,

and blood and snot was

drippin' out his eye sockets.

You think that stopped

the little engine that could ?

Damn skippy.

He just kept chuggin' along.

Chugga, chugga, chugga.

Chugga, chugga. Toot, toot !

It wasn't until...

Charlie rigged a bridge

with plastic explosives...

just as the little engine was makin'

his way across the trestle.

Boom !

An explosion happened.

And blood and guts and spit

and ass was everywhere !

And Bubba come

crawlin' out the back door,

both legs missin'.

Lula May's baby boy !

He look up at me.

He said, "Payne !

I can't feel my legs."

I said, "Bubba,

they ain't there."

And I looked down,

and them little bloody nubs

was kickin' real fast, like this here.

And I said, "Bubba, it's

'Less you can flip upside down

and walk on your hands,

you ain't gonna make it."

All of a sudden,

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