Manny Lewis Page #5

When I was a kid, I was having a bath.

I must have done something wrong,

'cause Dad came in all pissed off

and held my head underwater.

I don't know if he was punishing me

or teaching me to swim.

Before he used to belt me,

he used to say, 'Hey, son!'

I'd say, 'Yeah?'

'This is going to hurt me

more than it hurts you.'

I used to think, 'Yeah?

Not unless you miss and hit the chair.'

Before he used to hit me,

he used to test my eyesight.

'See that, son?'

'Yeah, I see it.'

Ah, f***!

Hi, Manny. It's me.

Would you please call me? I just...

I just want to talk.

I'm like a cripple

that's got an itch to scratch

On a limb that's not there anymore

There's still mud

on our brand-new sheets

I stepped into a puddle

When I saw someone

that looked just like you

I leave the radio on all night

Sooner or later it puts me to sleep

So bring yourself home to me

Bring yourself home...

Hey, say something funny to my cousin.

F*** off.

Bring yourself home to me

I can't remember what I said,

can't remember what I did

The dishes were still in the sink,

all my clothes were on the bed

You slammed the door

and the rain turned to pins

It gets dark early now, and

the lights aren't on when I come in

I leave the radio on all night

Sooner or later it puts me to sleep

So bring yourself home to me.

You're not listening to me, dog,

but I don't care.

You come when I tell you

or I'll smash you.

You can look away all you like, dog.

I had to go all over the place

looking for you, like a dog.

I'll give you a good belting!

Hey!

What are you doing?

What?

What do you have a dog for,

if you treat it like sh*t?

It licks my feet, Manny, not yours.

- Don't beat the dog up, you cockhead.

- Wanker!

Doesn't matter. Don't beat your dog up.

What's wrong with you?

- Just stick to your jokes, Manny.

- Don't push me, you d*ckhead.

What?

Why don't you try me?

It's my dog! Get your f***ing own dog.

Why don't you feed the f***ing thing?

Oi!

Coppers!

- The cop shop's right there.

- Yeah, well...

- What's going on?

- He punched me in the face.

No, I didn't.

Let's go.

So...

what was going on last night?

It's all over the internet, mate.

It's in the papers.

So what?

People get pissed.

You know

they've all got those camera phones now.

- Everyone's seen it.

- Who cares?

Manny, I care.

And the Americans that I just picked up

from the airport, they care.

And the network that's forking out

a shitload of money for your show care.

As long as I do a funny show,

what's the problem?

OK, I'll tell you the problem.

It's not just about the show, Manny.

I've been on the phone to them

for an hour

trying to convince them that

you're not a total disaster.

I'm sorry

you have to work for your money.

What do you want for 20%?

To shake people's hands,

take your family out for a good time

on the weekend, huh?

Alright, mate,

you're a bit out of control.

All I'm saying is, just try not

to ruin everything while they're here.

Just stay off the piss.

That's rich, coming from you.

At least I'm not drunk

in front of my kid.

I think I might just walk home.

Yeah, good idea.

Hello?

How are you?

Are you home?

Can I come over for a bit?

Righto.

See ya.

What happened to your hand?

I punched a mirror.

Why'd you punch a mirror for?

Pissed off.

What with?

What did you think of me

when I was a kid?

Well, you were a good kid.

You were a funny little bastard.

You used to make me and your mother

laugh.

Why do you want to know that for?

You know I was terrified of you

as a kid?

Were you?

Why?

You used to hit me.

I ain't been thinking about that lately.

Life's been sh*t.

I've been thinking about

when I was young, for some reason.

Well, I apologise for hitting you, mate.

Alright...

Bye.

Bye, friend.

Where's your girlfriend?

Too hard, Pieter.

What too hard... girl?

Yeah.

Hey, Pieter?

Yeah?

Why do you always give me a beer

when I don't even order one?

I know you. I know your brain.

You think, think, think, never decide.

I give you beer, you drink.

Have beer, have woman.

Don't think.

The number you have dialled

has been disconnected.

Hello, Fantasy Hotline.

Ah, hi. I was

hoping to speak to Caroline, PIN 713?

PIN 713 is no longer with us,

I'm afraid,

but I can put you through

to another lovely lady.

Oh. Well, where'd she go?

I'm sorry, I can't say.

But I can put you through

to another one of our gorgeous girls,

if you'd like to chat with one of them.

No, that's OK. Thanks.

Maria!

Maria!

Manny?

She's gone, Manny.

Do you know where she's going?

Man, she's going on the boat

to South America.

South America?

You didn't know?

No.

They sail tonight.

I'm sorry.

Oh, Manny,

she wanted me to give you something.

Thanks, mate.

Hey, Manny...

good luck for the show tonight.

Thanks, mate. Cheers.

Ladies and gentlemen,

please make your way into the theatre.

Manny Lewis Live will commence shortly.

G'day, mate.

Ah, Joel, this is Manny.

Manny, this is Joel.

- How are you going, Joel?

- I hear you're a funny guy.

That's a great crowd you've got

out there.

Yeah, they're alright.

- Congratulations.

- Well...

if it wasn't for this bloke,

I wouldn't have anything.

I'd still be working on a building site.

So...

thanks, mate.

Well, as they say in the business...

chookers. We'll talk later.

OK! Nice to meet you.

- Got everything?

- Yeah, mate, I'm alright.

- OK.

- Hey, ah...

is the old man in?

No. Sorry, mate.

Two minutes, Mr Lewis.

Yeah, righto.

Right. Let's go be funny.

Live across Australia,

please welcome our very own funnyman,

Manny Lewis.

So, where were we?

Nice to be here. I was just over there,

and it wasn't very nice over there.

It's better over here.

I hope you laugh tonight.

I hope you laugh a lot.

Actually,

I hope a little bit of wee comes out.

That's a good night.

You go home... 'How was the show?'

'Look at my pants! Great show.'

I love performing. I've always

performed, ever since I was a kid.

I had no choice. My parents used to

get drunk and dress me up.

We used to have these African nights.

Mum would take all my clothes off,

get a lettuce leaf and a bit of string

and wrap it around here.

'Do the dance.' 'Righto.'

But I don't like watching performers.

I went and saw a country singer

the other day, and they sh*t me.

Before every song, he'd say,

'It's a beautiful song, and

it goes a little something like this.'

I feel like saying, 'Mate,

just play it exactly the way it goes.

How long have you been playing

that song, and you haven't nailed it?

You should say, "It's a beautiful song,

and it goes exactly like this."'

I don't know what 'wrong' is.

It's a funny thing, wrong.

What's wrong?

Washing your tea towels

with your underwear?

I mean, it all gets in the mix.

The soap powder washes it out,

but it just feels like

I'm drying the dishes with my bum.

Yeah, but anyway.

My dad was very precise, you know?

He said, 'Listen, son,

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