Married by Christmas Page #7

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- Yeah. [laughs]

I'm not good at subtle, am I?

No, you aren't, but sometimes it's

very entertaining to watch you try.

I'm not the most romantic

person in the world, Paul.

Practical has its place.

You make me sound like Katie.

- That's not a bad thing, is it?

- [laughs] No!

- Are you okay?

- Mm-hm... [laughs]

Um... okay.

- Paulie...

- Hm?

So... I have a jet

waiting to take us to Vegas,

and I booked a suite

at the Bellagio.

- Carrie...

- And I... Will you marry me?

Tonight? I know it sounds crazy.

But I... we would

shock everyone!

- I can't.

- Paul, I know that you're not madly in love with me

- or anything, but it's okay.

- Carrie. Carrie.

- I'm gay.

- [laughs]

- Come on!

- Ta-da!

What are you talking about?

That's not funny.

- Hm?

- Mm.

- You're serious?

- I am.

[gasps] Oh, my gosh!

Hm... wow. This was

the worst plan ever.

- [laughs]

- I'm sorry.

Mm!

You know what?

I don't even care.

- Well, I kind of do.

- Listen.

You know that I need this

to get around the will,

or else Katie and Ethan are

gonna take everything from me.

No, that... that

doesn't sound like Katie.

Look, it's simple.

We just, we'd get married,

you sign over the company to me,

and we can go our separate ways.

Carrie...

Please, please, Paul, please,

can you just think about it?

Carrie, listen. I love you.

Great. Then do this for me.

This one thing. Please?

I do want to get

married someday, but...

but for real and... to a guy.

Right.

Okay. Then she wins. Cheers.

You make it sound like

it's a football game.

[laughs]

Was that a sports reference

from the gay guy?

It's kind of ironic,

don't you think?

You know, uh, I don't think

I want dessert after all.

- Oh, Paul.

- Can I call you a cab?

Hm... No, I'm fine.

Good night, Carrie.

Okay, we have one

German chocolate cake...

Oh, lovely! Thanks.

Um... You know what?

Can you just take those to the bar?

I'm gonna have them both.

You know what?

[chuckles]

[dialing]

[line ringing]

[phone rings]

- Hello? Hello?

- Oh, yeah, hi. It's... it's me.

- Carrie, is that you?

- Um, who do you think you are

cahooting with my sister

and the financy...

her fee... sinini?

- Okay.

- Mm-hm, it's me. Um...

- Try that one more time.

- Her feenan... her fyance.

The boy, that boy. Hm?

- Carrie, are you okay?

- Mm...

I thought you were being nice,

and you were just being a spy.

- Do you know that? You're a spy.

- Wait. It's...

- Uh-huh. So rude.

- Okay, Carrie, just calm down.

Calm down. Where...

Tell me where you are.

- Don't change the subject.

- It's okay, just tell me where...

Where are you?

I'm, um... I'm at the...

I'm at the, um...

I'm at the place

with the guy, with the...

- Just can you... I can't.

- Carrie? Hello?

- Just hang up.

- I'm Todd.

- I think I have Carrie's phone?

- Oh. Hi, Todd.

- Do not be nice to him.

- Where are you?

We're at the bar at Wilde.

Right.

Bar at Wilde.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Can you give the phone

back to Carrie, please?

- Sure.

- I don't wanna... please.

- Hm?

- You there? Carrie?

- What?

- Look, I'm gonna leave right now.

Okay? I'll be there

in about 30 minutes.

- Don't go anywhere.

- Okay, Mr. Bossy.

- So lovely.

- I...

Can I have another one

of those, please?

You're very nice.

I promise I'll leave soon.

[grunts]

[Carrie groaning]

Hi.

- Carrie?

- Hm!

- Hm? Mm...

- Carrie?

- [gasps]

- Hi.

- Hi! [laughs]

- Hi.

- You found me!

- I did.

- Hi!

- Hi. Okay. Come here.

- Hm? Shush!

- Hm? Okay.

Don't make it weird by being

all question-y. I'm here.

- Okay. Let's go home.

- God! Right.

- Let's do that. Oh!

- Are you okay?

- I'm good. Sorry.

- All right. Here you go.

- Let's do this. One on top.

- Yeah.

- Whoa!

- You know, I used to hate you.

Well, I'm glad your

opinion has changed.

Mm-hm. You were like,

"I'm Dylan Courtney."

And then Rowling Vineyards

is all about people who care

"and you're just a big,

corporate, mean fish."

I don't quite think

I said it like that.

- Yeah. Where's my phone?

- I...

- Sir? I have to call my Zelda.

- Let's go.

- Okay.

- Time to go. Whoa!

- Okay. Sh! Come here.

- Hey! What?

- Come here. Come here.

- Uh... okay.

I wanna tell you something.

Come here, come close.

- Okay.

- I actually expect you...

Respect you professionally,

- despite the disagreements.

- Okay.

Mm-hm. And you look

really pretty in plaid.

- Thank you.

- It's nice on you.

- I think you're a little drunk.

- No!

- No, a little bit. Let's go.

- Okay. All right.

- Okay.

- [gasps] We should...

We should get married.

Would you marry me?

We could thwart her evil plan.

- [laughs]

- I do, I have the jet

and the suit and it's white and

it's beautiful and it's bride-y...

- Okay.

- Where's my phone? I need to call Zelda.

- A jet and...

- Sir, did you take my phone?

Come on, let's... we'll go get

on the bride-y, white plane.

- Yes. I'm good. Good night, sir.

- Good night.

- Put you in your white suit...

- Wait, gotta go.

- There you go. We can go.

- Did you say goodbye?

- There we go. Good night.

- The bouncer lady. Thank you.

- Whoa!

- I'm fine.

- You're good.

- I'm good.

[Carrie exhales loudly]

[sighs]

- We're in my house! [gasps]

- Yes, we are.

How did we get here?

Did we get here by magic?

- Did we get here by Santa?

- No. We got here by my car.

Oh! Vroom, vroom!

You're a lot more animated

with four martinis in you.

I'm like some

kind of party animal!

Oh, boy. Pajamas.

Where are your pajamas?

- Over there. Right... mm-hm.

- This...

- Alrighty.

- Ow! Yes.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

- You have to unzip me.

- Okay.

Back there. It's right there.

Oh, it's over there.

- It's on the side.

- It's on the side. I told you where it was.

There you go.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome. I'm just gonna...

- Hm?

- Okay.

Oh, my gosh! It's

like they're alive!

- You okay?

- Mm-hm.

- I got it. I'm good.

- You need help?

I don't need any help. I'm good.

- Does this mean you need help?

- [laughs]

Do you like my slip?

Slippy-slippy...

My grandma always said to

wear proper undergarments.

She was a smart lady. Arms.

One at a time. There you go.

Okay. You're very nice when

you're not being a butthead.

Thanks... I think.

- Can I do something to you?

- What do you wanna do?

Mm... I was thinking that...

[whispers]

[snores]

Okay. Come here.

Come on. Uh!

[Carrie moans]

Good night, Carrie.

[chuckles]

I need you to return this.

And I need to die.

Cheese and crackers!

What happened to you?

Please, inside voices. Okay?

I can't return the suit,

you had it altered.

Thank you. Zelda,

please tell me you have

some miracle cure in your desk that'll

help me forget that I have a head.

- I have a breath mint.

- No.

Have you seen my phone?

- I take it you're not a missus?

- No.

If I didn't feel so miserable, I might

have time to be super embarrassed.

- Oh... he said no?

- No, he said gay.

- And you didn't know this?

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