Mary And Max Page #2

because my psychiatrist,

Dr Bernard Hazelhof,

says a healthy body

equals a healthy mind.

Ooooh!

He says my mind is not that healthy.

Your drawing is an interesting

visual portrayal of yourself.

I have never met anyone from Australia.

Firstly, I will answer your question.

Unfortunately, in America,

babies are not found in cola cans.

I asked my mother when I was four

and she said they came from eggs

laid by rabbis.

If you aren't Jewish,

they're laid by Catholic nuns.

If you're an atheist,

they're laid by dirty, lonely prostitutes.

So this is where babies come from

in America.

I share my home with a fish,

some snails, whom I have named

after famous scientists...

..a parakeet called Mr Biscuit

and, finally, a cat called Hal.

"Hal" is an abbreviation for halitosis,

from which he suffers.

He followed me home

after a gang of children

shot his eye out with a beebee gun.

Do you have a pet kangaroo?

When I was born, my father

left my mother and me on a kibbutz.

She shot herself with my uncle's gun

when I was six.

Do you like chocolate hotdogs?

I invented the recipe for them

and can send it to you.

When I was young, I invented

an invisible friend called Mr Ravioli.

My psychiatrist says

I don't need him anymore

so he just sits in the corner and reads.

Last week I picked up

People are always littering in New York.

I do not understand

why people break laws.

Butts are bad

because they wash out to sea

and fish smoke them

and become nicotine dependent.

I am just joking because, of course,

it is impossible for a cigarette

to remain lit underwater.

Also, fish do not have pockets

to keep cigarette lighters in.

I am 44 years old

and have 8 tracksuits

the same colour and size.

I weigh 352 lb...

Ooooh!

..and am as tall as a 6-foot tree.

Welcome to the New York Lottery!

I enjoy entering the lottery

and have chosen the same numbers

for 9 years.

Those numbers are 3...

(7.

And 12.

Are you a winner?

Or a loser?

I have had many different jobs

during my life.

My first job was collecting

subway tokens in the subway.

My second job was at Yiddel's

Gourmet Kosher Supplies

where I worked at the machine that made

pre-packaged noodle kugels.

I was born Jewish

and used to believe in God

but I've since read many books

that have proven God

is just a figment of my imagination.

People like to believe in God because

it answers complicated questions

Iike where did the universe come from,

do worms go to heaven...

do worms go to heaven...

..and why do old ladies have blue hair?

Even though I'm an atheist,

I still wear my yarmulke

as it keeps my brain warm.

My third job was for a company

that printed logos on novelty items.

I worked at the frisbee printing machine.

A frisbee is a circular plastic disc

that people throw at each other.

It is like a boomerang

but it does not come back.

My fourth job was when

I was called up for jury duty.

I didn't get paid much

but got free cookies and coffee.

Jurors are outstanding members

of the community

who haven't murdered anybody.

I made it to the short list

for a trial where a man

killed all his friends

at his own surprise birthday party.

Unfortunately, I didn't get selected

because they found out

I'd been a mental patient at one point.

Have you ever been hang gliding?

My fifth job was as a garbage collector.

I got to clean up after litterbugs

and didn't have to talk to anybody.

Sometimes I used to pretend

I was an intergalactical robot.

This is 911.

Your call has been placed in a queue.

One time the police took me in

for questioning

but let me go when they decided

I wasn't a threat to anybody

except myself.

The sixth job I had

was for the United States Army

in the stationery supply department.

Because I am good with numbers

I had to work out how many

ballpoint pens the Army needed.

One day they did a security check

and asked whether I was a member

of any radical groups.

I told them I was a member of

the New York Science Fiction Fan Club.

They said this didn't count

but dismissed me anyway.

Fortunately, I did not remember

to tell them I was once a communist.

Have you ever been a communist?

Have you ever been attacked by a crow

or similar large bird?

When I was 9, a crow attacked me

on my way to school.

I had to have three stitches

and in spring I now wear a helmet

with eyes I have painted on.

People laugh at me

when I wear my helmet.

I'm not sure why.

People often confuse me

but I try not to let them worry me.

New York is a very busy

and noisy place.

I would prefer to live

somewhere much quieter

Iike the moon.

I don't like crowds, bright lights,

sudden noises or strong smells.

New York has all these

especially the smells.

I often wear nose and ear plugs

when I go outside.

It helps keep me calm.

I find humans interesting but I have

trouble understanding them.

I think, however,

I will understand and trust you.

You appear very happy and I think

you would smell like a shrimp

as I know Australia

has a lot of shrimps.

Can you speed-read?

I have taught myself to read

two pages at once

one eyeball per page.

I have to go now

even though I have not told you

about my 7th job,

in a condom factory.

Write back soon.

Your American friend,

Max Jerry Horowitz.

PS. Please find enclosed

a photo from one of those booths.

PPS. Thank you for the Cherry Ripe

and I am glad you like chocolate

as much as I do.

I have never eaten

sweetened condensed milk

but I will try some this week.

PPPS. I have never used a condom.

Gey gezunterheyt.

Max hoped

Mary would write again.

He'd always wanted a friend.

A friend that wasn't invisible,

a pet or rubber figurine.

He counted the stars and wondered

how many days, hours, minutes

it would take his letter

to reach Australia.

Vera was not impressed...

Aaaarrgh!

..not impressed at all.

This nutcase would not be her daughter's

penfriend, she thought.

There was enough ugliness in the world.

Mary would be home from school

in an hour

enough time for another cup of tea

and a bit of cricket to soothe the nerves

and dissolve the memory of Max's letter

from her pickled mind.

Yeah, he's out.

Unbelievable. 14. England 7/150.

Stop! Wait!

Hey, fellas, you got room

for one more bag?

Sure, Mrs Dinkle. Hop in!

Good one, Kevin!

Aaaarghhh!

Come on, Vera.

We've got some other bags to pick up!

Ooh. Hmm.

Mary, is that all the rubbish?

Yep!

See ya, Toots!

Sweet baby Jesus.

Ooooah!

Even though Max's letter smelt

like fish heads and orange peel,

Mary drank his words

like a bowl of alphabet soup

and hadn't been this excited

since Grandpoppy Ralph

had found a coin up her nose.

She wrote back immediately

on some butchers' paper

she'd stolen from some chops.

Dear Max,

I'm so excited you've wroted back.

I don't think my parents like you

so from now on

send stuff to my neighbour Len Hislop

at 26 Lamington Drive,

Mt Waverley.

He's old with no legs.

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