Mary And Max Page #5

and soothe his nerves.

Each letter he would iron, laminate

and file in a special place,

which also soothed his nerves.

He enjoyed answering her questions

and solving her puzzles like

Do sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do old men

wear their pants so high?

Do gooses get goosebumps

and why is bellybutton lint blue?

Are there Noblets in heaven?

And if a taxi goes backwards,

does the driver owe you money?

In turn, Mary simply enjoyed

hearing about Max's fascinating life

how many people

he'd counted littering...

..how the latest Henry had died...

..and new recipes he'd invented

for chicken.

Each nourished the other

and, as Mary grew taller,

Max grew wider

their friendship becoming stronger

than the glue on Mary's Noblets.

Although Max found solace in Mary,

he still found the rest of the world

bewildering.

And he couldn't understand

why he was seen as the odd one

while everyone else

was considered normal.

Humans were endlessly illogical.

Why did they throw out food when

there were children starving in lndia?

Why did they clear the rainforests

when they needed the oxygen?

And why did they create bus timetables

when they never ran on time?

He agreed with his favourite physicist

that there are only two things infinite

the universe and man's stupidity.

And for Mary, even though

Max filled her with confidence...

Bullseye!

..her world was far from perfect.

The grip of love had her by the throat.

At 4.59pm, on the 8th of the 8th 1988...

..Noel Norman Dinkle

attached his last string

and, after 40 years

and 40 million tea bags, he retired.

To celebrate, Noel announced

he was retiring from taxidermy

and taking up metal detecting instead.

But, sadly, it was not a hobby

he had for long.

In his will, Noel had left Mary

some money

so she decided to go to university

and study disorders of the mind,

yearning to learn more about her friend.

Mary was as popular at university

as she was at school.

Damian went there too,

aching to be a Thespian.

Hi there, M-M-Mary.

Hi...hello!

That was damn f-f-funny!

Hey, Damian,

your mum's roses look fab!

Oh, th-th-th-thanks, Mary.

Um, M-Mary,

can I tell you something?

Sure, babe!

Um, um, you've got d-d-d-d-dog's poo

on your shoe.

Dear Max,

I have been such an idiot.

I've wasted all my money

on something pointless

when I should have been saving

to see you.

I know love upsets you

so I won't go on about it.

All I want to say is that love

is obviously not for me.

I hope you are well and enjoy

the chocolate cigarettes I've enclosed.

Love Mary.

Oh, you should be ashamed!

- Come on, baby. Let's go.

- Oh, Mum...

I told you never to talk to strangers.

Noel's sudden death

had filled Vera with remorse and guilt

and she coped

in the only way she knew.

Dear Max,

our wedding day was everything

I have ever dreamt,

making up for the terrible year I've had.

Although all the guests

were Damian's family and friends,

I felt very welcome.

Damian is so perfect.

He even made my wedding dress.

And for our honeymoon

he took me to Mykonos

his favourite island in Greece.

I got to ride a donkey

and found the perfect gift for Len.

Poor Len, he's still struggling

with his agoraphobia.

Aaaaahhhh!

Damian and I are so similar.

He even has his own penfriend, who lives

on a sheep farm in New Zealand.

Mary...M-M-M-Mary.

Mary...M-M-M-Mary.

Ohhh.

Mary was bursting with self-esteem

and her confidence

was almost unbearable.

At university, she shone

and took it upon herself

to cure the world of mental illness.

She did her thesis

on Asperger's syndrome

and used Max as her case study.

Her professors

were thoroughly impressed

and her writing praised far and wide.

Soon, publishers queued

to print her unique insight

and by her 25th birthday, thousands

of copies were ready to be shipped.

Dear Max,

I am very proud to give you

the very first copy of my book

about your disability

and the hopes that we have

to one day cure it.

Even more exciting

is that I am finally coming to meet and

celebrate with you in one week's time.

I'm also going to give you

half the royalties.

Your loving friend, Mary.

PS. Please find enclosed

some chocolate-coated Swiss almonds.

Max didn't take the news

very well

not very well at all.

Dear Mary Daisy Dinkle,

I cannot express myself

very clearly at this moment

and so I will list my emotions

in the order they feel most intense

hurt, confuzzledness, betrayal,

discomfort, distress and wheeziness.

This last one is not really an emotion

but I thought you should know about it

anyway.

With her suitcase packed for New York,

Mary said goodbye to Damian.

She hadn't been this excited since

she'd found a Noblet in the gutter.

But her excitement

suddenly dribbled away

Iike a chocolate in the sun.

Mary slowly sank

into a puddle of depression, self-loathing

and cooking sherry.

The only colour left in her life

was her beloved Damian,

only an arm's length away

but as distant as the moon.

She lost interest in the world

and it lost interest in her

as a horrible apparition began to haunt.

She started to spend her nights

making pompoms

and eating two-minute noodles.

Each day, with strength and shame,

Mary trudged to the letterbox in hope,

only to swivel, shrivel

and slink back inside.

My dearest Mary,

by the time you read this,

I will be on a plane to New Zealand

to begin a new life.

You probably haven 't even noticed

I'd packed my bags.

I have fallen in love

with my penfriend, Desmond,

and I'm going to live

on his sheep farm.

It's been hard to watch you become

a remnant of the person I once loved.

Your research into m-m-mental illness

has been admirable

but your i-idealistic pursuit to remedy it

has been misguided.

Mary, you have to realise y-you are not

a magic beauty cream

you can smooth on the world

to rid it of its wrinkles.

I love you, Mary,

but I love Desmond more.

I hope one day your heart will heal

and we can be friends.

Yours compassionately,

Damian.

Aaaarghh!

Dear Mayor Ridiculani,

on Monday I counted 27 people

illegally dropping cigarette butts.

I would like to recommend

the fine be increased

to a minimum of $1 million

as a stronger deterrent

and would be happy...

Thank you.

Sorry.

Dear Mary,

please find enclosed

my entire Noblet collection

as a sign that I forgive you.

When I received your book,

the emotions inside...

On the way home,

Max sat to count the stars.

He felt complete

the world was back in balance.

# When I was just a little girl

# I asked my mother, what will I be?

# Will I be pretty, will I be rich?

# Here's what she said to me...

# Que sera sera

# Whatever will be will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera sera

# Que sera sera

# Whatever will be will be

# The future's not ours to see

# Que sera sera

# What will be will be

# Que sera sera #

Ah!

Len had saved the day

and after 45 years

he finally conquered his agoraphobia.

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