Matchstick Men

One, two, three.

One, two, three.

-Well, congratulations.

-Excuse me?

You`re a guaranteed winner of one

of three fabulous prizes.

-Have you ever won anything major before?

-No, never.

-Well, you have now.

-Oh, my God.

-Are you kidding?

-No, it`s confirmed.

Are you sure? Okay, what did l win?

Either the Chevy Blazer, the Paris--

-Do you have a water filtration system?

-One of them faucet filters? No, sir. l don`t.

-Well, do you read the papers or watch TV?

-Sometimes, yeah.

Well, then you`ve probably

seen our advertisements.

The government is gonna

make you pay a tax on the prize.

But if you buy the Waterson 2000

water filtration system...

...the prize gets recorded as a sales

expense, and you don`t pay any tax.

-Good deal, huh?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And then l get the trip to Paris?

You`re guaranteed one

of those three prizes.

l`m gonna have a courier come to your

house. You`re gonna give him a check.

He`s gonna come to me, and then we`ll

decide which one of those prizes you get.

See how that works?

-How much do l pay?

-Three hundred ninety-eight dollars even.

-You`d pay twice that in stores.

-l need to speak to my husband.

lrene, my supervisor just stepped into my

office and he would love to talk to you.

Can you hold just a sec? Thanks, lrene.

-Good morning.

-Who says so?

lrene Fisk. She wants to talk

to her husband first.

Mrs. Fisk, John Goodhew,

regional vice president.

Congratulations.

Which prize are you hoping for?

-Paris.

-That would be my choice too.

We`ve never been.

My associate tells me

you have five grandkids? Wow.

l understand you`d like to speak

to your husband first about this...

...but the thing is, my secretary

is having a baby this afternoon.

Everyone at the office is about

to head to the hospital.

Well, that`s wonderful.

Let me confirm your address

for our courier service.

All right.

Hey.

Sorry, sorry.

Any thoughts on lunch?

Spicy calamari?

Thai food?

Pygmies.

Otis, hush, hush.

-Can l help you?

-Carolyn Schaffer?

l`m Agent kellaway. This is Agent Cole.

We`re from the Federal Trade Commission.

Sorry to disturb you.

We`d like to ask you a few questions.

-ls everything all right?

-We hope so.

Mrs. Schaffer, can you tell us exactly

what the man said on the phone?

He said that there`d been a contest,

and l had won a prize.

There`d be a drawing next week,

and l`d win...

...either a Chevy Blazer,

a diamond necklace...

...or a trip to ltaly or France.

l don`t remember.

And that if l bought one of their filtration

things, l wouldn`t have to pay the tax.

-Jesus, Carolyn.

-l wanted to surprise you.

l`m sorry to tell you this, ma`am,

but you won`t be receiving any prize.

And l`m sorry to tell you

that you`ve been the victim of fraud.

Otis, knock it off.

lt`s not the newest swindle

in the world.

They bait you with something bogus,

then sell you something worthless.

How much did you give them,

Mrs. Schaffer?

Seven hundred dollars.

-What`s it worth?

-At any hardware store, 50 bucks.

Jesus, Carolyn.

But we`ve met people

who paid twice what you did.

-Really?

-Yeah.

You wrote a check, ma`am?

Did you mail it to them?

No, a courier picked it up.

What?

lf they`d used the postal system,

it`s mail fraud and we can go after them.

Otherwise, there`s not a lot we can do.

-Unless....

-Unless what?

Well, a lot of these whack jobs...

...work in syndicates. lf they cashed

your check out of state, it`s federal.

But we`d need a signed clearance

from you--

l`ll give you one if it will catch

these sons of b*tches.

-You have any more L-47s?

-Yeah, maybe in the car.

Wait a second.

Here we go.

-My pen.

-l got one.

Okay.

-Would you let him out?

-Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Here you go. That`s right.

Sorry.

All we need is the name of your bank...

...your account number...

...and your signature down below.

-Any luck, these guys were amateurs...

-He all right?

-...cashed your check in Nevada.

-Sign there. You can date it.

There you go.

-You all right?

-He`s fine.

-Would you like some water?

-Everything`s fine.

Thank you for coming.

You didn`t take your pills, did you?

-They left the door open. lt was bitchen!

-lt`s just an open door, Roy.

Well, it`s not a fortune,

but it will keep me in diapers. Barely.

Don`t look at those drapes, man.

You should`ve known.

Saw that guy again last night.

Chuck. Guy l was telling you about.

-Guy with the--

-With the boat.

Yeah, Frechette. Man, he`s top-heavy.

-Jesus Christ, what am l--?

-Don`t say that.

-Don`t say what?

-You know what.

Just don`t say it.

lt`s real money.

lf it`s real money, it`s long con.

l don`t do long con.

You haven`t done it lately.

Without me, Frank.

Okay.

l`d just like to be able to take a girl

someplace nice once in a while.

You have to pay extra for that?

-Hi.

-Hi.

Three, four, five, six and...

...eight packs of Tareyton.

That`s 36. Out of 50.

Thirty-seven, 38, 39, 40 and 1 0 is 50.

Thank you.

Next.

Oh, pygmies.

Hi, this is Roy Waller calling

for Dr. Mancuso.

He moved.

He doesn`t live here anymore, man.

-What do you mean, ``moved``?

-He`s gone.

-You`re shitting me. Where`d he go?

-Back east.

-Back east?

-He owes me back rent, man.

Give me a contact-- Hello? Hello?

lf you`d like to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

Roy, it`s me. lt`s Frankie.

Come on, pick it up.

l know it`s tough, but come on.

Roy, this is Dmitri. l met you

at that club Rage the other night.

l really liked your leather and....

All right, come on. Pick it up.

Pick it up. Pick it up. Pick it up.

Roy, come on, man. Come on.

Roy, it`s lonely in this little office

all by myself.

Roy, come on.

Roy, l wouldn`t bother you, but--

Well, l`m dying, Roy.

lt`s my spleen.

l can`t feel my thumbs.

Hello.

Roy, answer the phone, man.

l`ve been watching Univision all night,

and all they speak is Spanish.

What`s going on?

But seriously, l want to talk to you

because l think l`ve developed a rash.

Come on, man.

Come on, you`re killing me.

Roy, come on, what the hell?

l feel like a chick.

All right, that`s it. l`m coming over.

Roy? Okay, l see that.

l see-- l saw you. l know you`re there.

Come on, Roy. Really, man.

One, two, three.

Take your shoes off.

-What? Why?

-Take your shoes off, or you don`t come in.

You didn`t take your pills, did you?

l`m taking them off.

l`m taking the shoes off.

Give me a break over here.

Okay.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, God, what is that smell?

What, did you get attacked by Mr. Clean?

You gotta open a window, buddy.

-No! No windows.

-Okay. Windows are closed.

Windows are closed.

You looking for something, sucker?

Yeah, my partner. Have you seen him?

He`s been missing most of the week.

Tall guy.

Hey, would you watch the rug?

You`re spilling food--

-You didn`t take your shoes off.

-Okay, l`m taking the shoes off.

l`m taking them off. See? They`re off.

Here you go.

Oh, man, you are bad.

Did you take your pills?

-l spilled them down the drain by accident.

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