Matinee Idol

1

(Film crew talking in background)

- Now Lance, the media has never

commented in interviews

on how uh...big you are. Any comment?

- Look I don't think about that,

I've never measured it.

I guess it's pretty good.

In fact it's great. You know

they are all big on screen.

- Well do you enjoy your sex scenes

with co-star "Linda Hand"?

- Well Linda Hand is the studios

top female star.

That's why we work together.

- And do you get together off camera?

- Linda and I have our

own private lives.

The only time we are together

is when we are shooting.

- Well I am sure you have a very

busy life,

and it must be draining.

- Not really.

- That's what I've heard.

- Oh.

I tell you what

why don't we have dinner tonight,

and maybe we can continue this

conversation about my after hours

reputation.

- Sorry Lance, I can't, I have all

these things...

- I hate to interrupt your interview

Mr. Hardy,

but literally speaking we have to

get this f***ing scene shot.

That's uh if you can be up for it?

- Yeah

Well, international box office star

Lance Hardy has to get it hard!

- Ok heat em up!

- Box office star, really?

Your watching too many of

your own movies.

Now if your cock was as hard

as your head maybe we could get

started.

- You know you have a terrific mouth.

- So I've been told.

- Especially when no words come

out of it.

- Oh for gosh sake Linda,

This is supposed to be a sex scene.

Your a nympho...

Instead you are acting like my wife.

Quiet on the set everybody.

I'm sorry.

- Ok, ok.

Let's just get this started,

so we can get this dumb scene over

with.

- You know he's right.

- Roll sound.

- Rolling.

(Whispers)

Speed!

Speed, mark it!

Marker...action!

- Yeah that's good.

AHHHH!

(Carnival music)

- What did she do?

Awww did it hurt him?

Linda bit Lance on his most

precious asset.

Ok Phil,

There's something I want you to say

to both of them, for me,

and Mr. Kuntz.

Tell them to stop acting like

Prima Donnas,

and finish the f***ing movie!

Now if they don't do it, they

will never star in another picture

together again.

Or separately either.

Oh what did she do now, Phil?

She did what?

Alright Phil, I'll, I'll get

back to you.

Lance said something to provoke Linda,

so she bit his cock and

walked off the set.

- Lance Hardy, boy a**hole.

Harvey, somewhere out there

there's got to be another schmuck

with a pretty face and a big putz

and able to cum on que.

And if I ever find him, I'll run

Mr. Lance Hardy's ass right

right out of Hollywood.

- You know Bernie, this a**hole that

you're talking about,

his last three pictures netted

us 1.8 mil.

And that doesn't include the

licensing fees for the

Lance Hardy vibrators and the Lance

Hardy d*ldos.

- He's still an a**hole.

Harvey I'm gonna put out a

casting call.

I'm gonna get two new stars, I'm

gonna replace them both.

- Just in case you've forgotten.

We've taken a couple of advances for

another Lance Hardy

Linda Hand picture.

So, we better come up with a

Hardy-Hand picture.

(phone ringing)

- Hello? Hi Ginger.

No, I really don't feel like

going shopping today.

Well I thought I would just,

um, I don't know sit

around by the pool and

answer some fan mail.

Ok, sure! Alright, bye.

Dear Ms. Hand,

I'm one of your many fans.

I jerk off to all of your movies.

Once, the theater manager caught me

and kicked me out.

Now I go to another theater.

Could I have a picture of you?

Your devoted fan..

Huh, how sweet.

- (Radio broadcast) It's 78 degrees on

a beautiful day in Los Angeles,

and you're listening to non-stop music

on you're favorite radio station.

K-LOV... K-L-O-V

- Yes?

- Uh Ms. Linda Hand?

- Yes, what do you want?

- Uh, I'm here with the Apex pool

service.

I'm here to service you.

I mean the pool, service the pool.

It's your regular day.

- Where's Mr. Miranda?

- Uh, he's in Europe on vacation.

- The pool business must be pretty

lucrative.

- Oh, well if it's not convenient now

I can come back at another time.

- Well, you're here now you might as

well come on in and get it done.

So what's your name?

- Cochran, ma'am.

- Just Cochrane? No first name?

- They call me Bud, ma'am.

- Tell you what I'll call you Bud if

you stop calling me ma'am.

Make me sound like Queen Victoria.

I think I'm still too young to

play that part.

- You are the Linda hand from the

movies aren't you?

- You've seen some of my films?

- Uh, I've seen Good Enough To Eat and

Genitals For Blondes.

Since I've been here I've been to the

Pussycat Cinemas a couple

of times, but back home a group of

guys and me we go

to the theater almost every week.

- It won't bother you if I lay

out here and get some sun,

will it?

- No, ma'am.

I, I mean no, no it won't.

(entrancing music)

(upbeat guitar music)

- Bud, why don't you come over here

and put some oil on me.

Bud?

(low bass tones)

Is this part of your usual

service, Bud?

- You, you see anybody in the water

with me?

- No.

(synthesizer music)

(moaning)

- What do you think?

- I don't know. What's the score?

- Not the game, schmuck!

What do you think of the act?

- Eh, what's the big deal? She

only gets one channel.

- Turn that thing down a little,

would you honey.

You've got an interesting act.

We'll let you know.

(accordion music)

- You've got nice tits, tits.

- We'll let you know. Thank

you very much.

- (off screen) Next.

(off screen) Thank you very much.

Send the next girl in, will ya?

Next.

I can't take much more of this.

Call back that girl, Daisy.

(groans)

- Uh, Buttercup.

- It's Daisy.

- Oh yes, yes, uh Daisy.

Uh, Daisy, Mr. Cox and I, uh,

would, uh, like you to test for

a part we've got coming up.

We think you'd be perfect.

So why don't you come back

here next Thursday and on

your way out you see Dorothy our

secretary

and she'll give you all the details.

How about that?

- Ok, can I put my clothes back on?

- Oh, of course my dear,

how thoughtless of me,

how thoughtless of me.

- Oh, and I wanted to thank you both.

- Oh, my pleasure, my pleasure.

Uh, sly dog.

Bye!

Next Thursday!

(groans)

Harvey, Harvey, it ain't easy.

But... Someone's gotta do it.

Harvey, why don't you go

see my tailor?

- Cochran you know, you

really oughta be in pictures.

- You mean in f*** films?

- You certainly have a way with words.

- You wanna give me another audition?

- That's exactly what I had in mind.

(moaning)

(electronic music)

- Mr. Hardy, you spilled cum

on Mr. Cox's desk.

- Ah, that's too bad.

Why don't you put some on

Kuntz's desk too.

- Mr. Hardy... Thank you.

(accordion music)

(low mumblings)

- Lance you're late again.

You know you've gotta give up this

"I'm the greatest sex machine that

ever walks" stuff. You know?

We've got a screen test to do today.

- I know I'm sorry I'm late, ok?

Oh hi.

I'm really sorry I'm late.

- Ok honey, get him hard.

- Huh?

- You've got some approach, Phil.

- Uh, Miss, honey, uh

what's your name?

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