Maya Dardel Page #3

---

Do you think I'm

remotely similar

to whatever woman

wrote that book?

- Are those gunshots?

- Ah, my wacky neighbor.

Nothing alarming, target

practice, several times a week.

- I think you're similar.

I think that you

could write good books

that aren't similar

to your old books.

I don't think you should do it.

- Are you here to

inherit my estate

or to convince me

not to kill myself?

- I don't know why I'm here.

I just don't like the idea of

death, just sitting there.

- Mm.

- What's this horseshit

people telling me?

- You know, it's worked

for a few others.

Plath, sexton, Woolf.

It kind of jolts you into

a different category.

- Blech, tastes like horseshit.

Sh*t of a horse.

- You know, priests don't

pay taxes, neither should we.

- Who's we?

- Us.

Culture creators.

Not you, you're a

tune-inner drop-outer.

You're anti-culture.

- Culture my yeast.

- Exactly.

- F***ing bacteria.

Prepare your brain.

I'm gonna teach you a new

paradox, crocodile paradox.

A crocodile snatches a drag

queen from a riverbank.

The queen mother is

there for some reason

and pleads with the crocodile,

please don't eat my son.

The croc says your majesty,

I will only not eat

your daughter if you can

guess correctly whether

or not I'm really gonna eat

your skinny-ass daughter.

So there's no problem

if the mother guesses

that the crocodile

won't eat her son.

She's either right or wrong.

But if she guesses he will

eat him, it's f***ed up.

- You told me this one years

ago, without the queens.

Do you still nap?

- I don't know.

- I used to nap.

If I got caught, by Ismail even,

I'd lie and say

I wasn't sleeping.

It's so undignified to be caught

sleeping in the

middle of the day.

- Yeah but if the

mother is right

and the crocodile really

is gonna eat her son,

then he has to return him.

F***ed up.

I wouldn't publicly

joke about suicide.

What are you doing?

- Sailing to Byzantium.

Were you surprised I

invited you up here?

- I don't know, do you

have a lot of guys applying?

- Mm.

But did you feel encouraged

after our first phone call?

- Uh.

I felt like you understand

that I'm an adult.

Like you could tell

I don't f*** up.

- I researched you

on the Internet.

I read your little

squib in n plus one.

Do you dislike Americans as much

as you dislike the

Russians and the Israelis?

- Well, I'm

egalitarian, you know?

I think all cultures and

ethnicities should suffer

the same amount of abuse,

Turks piss me off for example.

- My ex is a Turk.

- Yeah, I know.

- You know?

- Sure.

- What about Chinese?

- Um, bribery, dragon breath.

Too many male people.

- Swiss?

- Smug, boring, white, mm.

- Saudis?

- Oh Saudis, yeah sure, Saudis,

if a woman in Saudi Arabia wants

to press charges,

she needs four witnesses.

So as long as you gangbang

with only three friends.

- Canadians.

- Boring.

- Mexicans?

- I don't have a

problem with Mexicans.

- Hm.

- How am I doing?

- Doing what?

- Do you like me, do you

see me as executor material?

- Possibly, what's your

familiarity with publishing?

- I have an agent, she can't

get my book a deal, though.

- Why not?

- Probably it isn't very good.

- Why not?

- I don't know, maybe

the same reason you're...

- perhaps it's

the opposite reason.

- Yeah, maybe.

But can I ask you a borderline

rude direct question?

Are you sick?

Do you have something terminal?

- I wouldn't tell

you if I did, but no.

- Well if I were terminal,

I'd probably take

a bunch of heroin.

You ever try it?

- No.

- I tried it.

- What's heroin like?

- Well it's not like 600

orgasms or whatever people say.

It was pleasant.

I vomited a little

and fell asleep.

- I have no interest in heroin,

but I wonder if your

description of the drug

says more about you

than about the drug.

- Yeah, maybe.

- Would you describe

yourself as a sensual person?

- I would describe

myself as cunning.

- Mm.

- Yeah, my brain is

fast enough to fake

its way through any

sensual experience.

And then, you know,

what's the difference?

- The difference between

sensuality and fake sensuality?

There's a tremendous difference.

- Yeah, maybe, I'm

skeptical though.

Like I can work

myself into a hell

of a metaphysical

mood if I need to.

Meanwhile, I have

friends who feel so much,

who couldn't live their lives

without wine and amazing sex.

They're miserable people.

- They should kill themselves.

- Yeah, except apparently

not one of them

has written anything

good enough to justify...

- you understood me then, what

I was saying a minute ago.

You understand I'm

never being glib.

- Yeah, yeah, I understood you.

I get everything the first time.

- Mm.

- You don't have to play these

cat and mouse games with me,

I mean you can, if you want

to, but you don't have to.

- What am I up to, then?

- Sure, I get why

you're doing this.

- Hm.

- Well you've got some terminal

disease and you probably

like what you wrote 20

years ago but you don't like

what you're writing now, and

probably other people agree.

- Hm.

- And so you figure if you go

off and pull a foster Wallace,

you'll be doing your

good books a favor.

And good books need all the

help they can get these days,

especially when

they're competing with

bad books like mine, you know

my agent's still pushing.

It probably will happen, too.

Well it's too bad for everyone.

Cause my book will

take up space.

A few thousand

people will read it

and there are 10,000 of me.

Yeah, so, I get it.

Good writing is not

good enough anymore.

You have to kill

yourself, or someone else.

- Are you a

closet right-winger?

- Well I wouldn't mind

selling this place

and dividing the money between

myself and nine friends.

- If I decide you're

right for this,

I don't care what you

do with the property,

but what about your politics,

especially regarding women?

- Women.

- Yes, I know. But

if I'm going to trust you

with my afterlife, I need

to know that you believe

in the very real mental

existence of women.

- Do I look skeptical of

your mental existence?

- Uh, yeah.

- No no no, that's bullshit,

I don't have that problem.

I don't have alienation issues.

- Possibly that's

why you describe

your own book as not very good.

- No, come on.

What do I have to do to prove

to you that I'm not an idiot?

- You're done, you're

done, you're done.

Oh no, not on the menu, not

on the menu, absolutely not!

No, no!

Ah!

Ah!

I'm going to kill you!

I'm gonna, I'm gonna kill you!

I'm going to kill you!

I understand.

You had to f*** me to prove...

- it's no big

deal, I always f***

a woman after I go down on her.

What should we do now?

- Now we watch you get

off my land, you're out.

You can't be my executor.

- Do you have any alcohol?

I'd really like a drink.

- It's all over the kitchen.

Go make me a drink,

you little b*tch.

You know, I know

at least 10 women

who'd call what

you just did rape.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes