Me, Myself & Irene

l got a star on my car

and one on my chest

A gun on my hip and the right to arrest

l'm a guy who's the boss on this highway

So watch out what you're doin'

when you're drivin' my way

lf you break the law

you'll hear from me, l know

l'm workin' for the state

l'm the highway patrol

Well, you'll know me when you see me

'cause my door's painted white

My siren a-screamin'

and my flashin' red light

l work all day and l work all night

Just to keep the law and order

tryin' to do what's right

lf l write you out a ticket

then you'd better drive slow

l'm just a-doin' my job

l'm the highway patrol

l'm the highway patrol

the highway patrol

My hours are long and my pay is low

But l'll do my best

to keep you drivin' slow

l'm just a-doin' my job

l'm the highway patrol

Meet Charlie.

Helpful dad, upstanding citizen,

and an 1 8-year veteran of the greatest

law enforcement agency in the land:

the Rhode lsland State Police.

That's Charlie's home.

Modest, like the man.

Even though he lived on the water,

Charlie wasn't much of a swimmer,

which will come into play

a little later in our story.

But l'm getting way ahead of myself.

You know, maybe it's best if we just

go back and begin at the beginning.

As a young man,

Charlie had the world by its bootstraps.

He was the best young trooper

on the force,

and was dating

the prettiest and smartest gal in town.

Her name was Layla. . .

Just like the melody.

Charlie,

you've no idea how much l love you.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Well, will you stay with me

no matter what?

Of course, Charlie.

What if l had to move to the Arctic

and you could never come home

and had to eat whale blubber for the rest

of your life? Would you still stay with me?

Yeah, l'd stay.

But l hope that never happens.

Yeah, me too.

Well, by springtime

they had made it official.

Boy, let me tell you,

that was some wedding.

lt was presided over

by Father Ken Gumbert,

and half of the Rhode lsland

State Police Force was in attendance.

-Congratulations, Charlie.

-Thank you, Captain.

All right!

Look what l got!

Here you go.

Excuse me, do you people take checks?

Say that again. Do "we people"

take checks? You mean a black man?

No, no, no, no! God, no. Your company.

Don't give me that bullshit!

That was a racist slur.

-No, it wasn't. l would never. . .

-Tell you what, l'll make it easy for you.

Why don't you just pay me in cotton

or a cartload of watermelons?

Or how's about some fried chicken, 'cause

you know black people love fried chicken !

-Hey, no, come on now.

-What's going on?

This cat don't believe a n*gger knows how

to cash a check! Ain't that 'bout a b*tch?

Charlie, l don't wanna ever hear you

use the n-word in this house.

What!

l never said anything remotely racist!

-Oh, so it's a "little people" thing, then.

-No!

You think just 'cause l'm small you can

push me around? Come on, let's boogie.

l'm gonna give you a little lesson

in low center of gravity.

Stop it! Cut it. . . Stop it now. Sir!

Don't patronize me with that "Sir" crap!

Hey, those are illegal. Stop.

Oh, it's on now. lt's on !

-Charlie, don't hit him !

-Me?

Charlie! Stop it! Charlie, stop it!

Let me handle this. Stop it!

Excuse me, Mr. Jackson. . .

Stop it! Wait. What is your first name?

lt's Shont.

Shont, l am so, so sorry. l apologize.

Come on here.

Let me walk you to your car.

l have no patience for people

who judge books by their cover.

And you shouldn't have to!

Treating me like a dumbshit!

l mean, who does he think he's talking to?

l'm a professor of molecular genetics

at Brown.

And l'm head

of the Boston chapter of Mensa.

-You're kidding?

-No.

l'm just driving this limo

as a sociological experiment. That's it.

But Mensa?

l'm president of the Providence chapter.

No kidding.

Just when Charlie thought

life couldn't get any sweeter,

old Mr. Stork dropped in

to pay him and Layla a visit.

lt's a boy!

Oh boy, oy, oy.

Wow!

He's so. . .

Wow!

Whoa, you're in luck!

He's got company!

Push ! Push !

Charlie loved those boys so much,

he just couldn't face the truth.

And so he went on with his life

as if everything was normal.

Hey, Finneran.

Hey, buddy.

-Hope you brought your appetite with you.

-Oh, l did.

-Charlie, your kids look great.

-Yeah, don't they? Thanks.

Charlie,

just between you and me,

d'you ever notice

that your kids have a year-round tan?

Yeah, well. . .

-My great-grandmother's half-ltalian.

-Half-ltalian?

Well, that's probably why

the water beads off the hair, huh?

Yeah, so? l mean, a lot of people

have different kind of hair.

What are you getting at?

Well, no, l'm just saying it's. . .

Come on, goddamn it! Those kids' d*cks

are bigger than them sausages!

Knock it off!

You're talking about my children.

-Since you brought it up, l wanna ask. . .

-Finneran !

Get over here. lt's your turn.

Charlie. . .

Don't mind me.

lt's just the beer talking, you know?

Sure.

There's something powerful

bubbling up inside me, Father.

And l'm afraid that some day,

if l don't do something, l'm gonna explode.

Where does this rage come from, my son?

l don't know. lt's a lot of things, really.

Take my wife, for example.

l love her like no other, but. . .

Part of me suspects

that she may be having an affeir.

And l'm probably

just being paranoid here, but. . .

l get the feeling that the entire town

is laughing at me behind my back.

Charlie, that you?

Eventually,

Charlie's worst fears were realized.

l'm so sorry, Charlie.

Really, l am.

But l have to do this.

l found my soul mate.

But. . .

l thought l was your soul mate.

Come on, legs! Let's roll, baby.

l don't know what to say.

l guess the heart just wants

what the heart wants.

Bye, Charlie.

But you said you'd eat whale blubber.

She'll be eating blubber all right,

just as soon as l free willy.

lt's funny how a man reacts

when his heart gets broken.

Some break down and cry like a baby.

Others, they take out an Uzi

and climb a clock tower.

But Charlie Baileygates

didn't seem to react at all.

He just swallowed hard, felt that slab of

heartache slide over the lump in his throat

and he locked it all away.

As you can imagine,

it wasn't easy for little Jamaal,

Lee Harvey and Shont Junior

growing up without a mom.

But Charlie made that little house

into a big old home,

and the boys flourished.

Let me tell you, they were smart ones.

-What are you building, fellas?

-An airplane, Daddy.

Bye-bye!

Bye, Daddy! Have a good time at work.

Love you, Daddy!

No! Hey, stop it!

Get. . . Jamaal, you're in a lot of trouble!

Get off that! Don't you take off in that!

How many seas must a white. . .

Shont Junior, how can you keep

eating that crap and never gain weight?

l don't know. Just lucky, l guess.

-How many times must the cannonballs. . .

-Do you believe his voice?

-That's Gomer Pyle!

-Before they're forever banned?

Daddy, can we watch Richard Pryor

on HBO?

Richard Pryor?

Please.

Okay.

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