Me, Myself & Irene Page #2

ln Africa, though, l go out in the country.

You see some lions and sh*t.

l'm talkin' about real lions.

Not them kind

you be f***in' with in the zoo.

You know how you go f*** with a lion?

"Hey, lion ! Motherf***er!"

Be throwin' sh*t at it. Lion'd be "Oh, ooh."

As they have a way of doing,

the years passed somewhat regularly.

And the boys, well,

they came into their own.

. . .toss my salad !

The guy's like "Toss my salad?

What's that?"

Having your salad tossed means having

your a**hole eaten out with jelly or syrup.

l prefer syrup.

He's a funny motherf***er!

Although Charlie's police work had started

to suffer, the kids were doing great.

Damn ! l can't figure out the atomic mass

of this motherfuckin' deuteron.

Sh*t. Man, that sh*t's simple. Lookit.

-Tell me this, tell me this.

-What?

What's a deuteron made up of?

Duh ! A proton and a neutron.

Then what's this motherfuckin' electron

doin' right there?

-Sh*t, l don't know.

-Well, get it out of there then !

OK, so you're sayin'

l add up the atomic masses

of the proton and the neutron, right?

l sees that, but what do l do with

the goddamn electron? Can l put it here?

Enrico Fermi'd roll over in his

motherfuckin' grave if he heard that.

He'd just turn over ass up in yo' face.

Man, Jamaal.

Just cut my man some slack.

l'm just trying to help him save face.

He keep askin' questions,

they'll think he's stupid.

-l ain't stupid.

-Mornin' , fellas.

Hey, Pops, how you doin' , man?

-What's all the commotion?

-Oh, just school sh*t and sh*t.

-How's my little guy doing?

-Struggling.

Quantum physics is confusing. lf l don't

buckle down, l'll get myself another B+ .

Oh, that'd be whack.

He's so f***ing dumb,

he thinks calculus is a goddamn emperor.

Give it up, dawg.

Well, you think polypeptide's

a motherfuckin' toothpaste.

Oh, l gotta get out of here.

l don't wanna have to bust a cap.

Kisses.

Daddy.

-See ya later.

-Love ya.

Yeah, Charlie was getting

a lot of respect inside the house.

But outside. . .

Well, that was another story.

Mornin' , Ed.

Charlie.

Ed, did you see

where my paper went today?

The wife's got it in the shitter.

Well, could you tell her to throw it

on the porch when she's done?

Can't you get one at work?

Yeah. . .

l suppose l could.

You betcha.

l'd like that

lf we could cycle down some lane

l'd like that

lf we could ride into the rain

No macs, getting wet

l'd be your Albert

lf you'd be Victoria

Ha-ha, we'd laugh

because each drop would make me

Grow up really high, really high

Like a really high thing, say a sunflower. . .

-Hey, George, Herb.

-Hi, Charlie.

-How do, fellas?

-Hi, Charlie.

-Listen, Dick. . .

-Hey, guys, check out the rack on this one!

Oh, yeah ! That's what Daddy likes.

lt looks like a dead heat in a zeppelin race.

-A couple of Hindenburgs, huh?

-Oh, the humanity!

Come on, guys, take it easy. She's a mom.

"She's a mom !"

-She's a mom. Not my mom.

-She's a yummy mummy!

You kill me!

Sure, that is good.

Listen, Dick,

l'm sorry to bother you like this but. . .

Your car is gonna have to be moved.

Yeah, sure, Charlie. OK. l should be

done here in another 1 0 or 1 5 minutes.

l hate to be a stickler, Dick, but. . .

The law says you can't park in one place

for over an hour,

and you've been there for. . .

Going on three days now.

All right, all right. The law's the law.

Park it up behind the grocery store,

will ya, Charlie?

Yeah, sure.

This one?

There's an old saying: an ostrich with

his head in the sand makes a lousy cop.

You see, if you can't deal

with your own problems,

well, it's hard to deal with others.

Sweetie? That's kinda dangerous.

Wanna move it on to the sidewalk,

away from traffic?

My dad says you're a joke

and l don't have to listen to you.

Well, your father is entitled to his opinion.

But l am an officer of the law,

and, by all rights, l could. . .

F*** off!

You should watch your mouth, little girl.

Excuse me. Charlie!

Hey! You mind if l get ahead of you?

l'm in a wicked rush.

-Oh, yeah, sure. Go ahead.

-You're a doll.

Hey, kids! Over here! Now!

Didn't l tell you to stay with me?

We're gonna rock you

VagiClean, huh?

What's the matter, honey?

Little extra cheese on the taco?

-Excuse me?

-No, excuse me.

There's no tag on this.

Price check on VagiClean, aisle five.

l repeat:
price check on VagiClean,

aisle five.

That's VagiClean.

We got a customer with a fallopian fungus.

She's baking bread

and l think it's sourdough.

Put a rush on that.

Hey, big guy. Did you hear the news?

My son Billy

got the lead in the high-school musical.

Well, l guess he likes the cock after all.

-Still wanna skip rope in the street?

-l'll tell my daddy, Charlie!

Wrong answer.

And the name's Hank, fuckface.

Reciting memorized lines

And l'm not fit to touch

The hem of your garment

No, no, l'm not fit to touch

The hem of your garment

l have no love but only goals

How very empty is my soul

lt is a soul that could easily kill

And l'm not fit to touch. . .

There you go, Dick. l parked it for you.

By the way,

you got a headlight out.

That looks good.

-There you go, Colonel.

-Very good, Malcolm. Thank you.

Colonel, something's wrong with Charlie.

-1 -X to 1 -1 2.

-1 -1 2 responding.

Of course, there's not much

about this sort of thing

in the Rhode lsland State Police manual.

So they sent him up to Boston to see

a team of highly trained head doctors.

They quickly identified the problem.

You got a major screw loose.

Doctors have diagnosed you

as having a "split personality."

A schizo.

-l don't remember this.

-That's because, according to that report,

it wasn't you that this was happening to.

lt was this other guy.

Hank.

-Said his name was Hank.

-And apparently Hank is trying to get out.

Trying to get out?

What do you mean "get out"?

-How did he get in?

-You created him.

By not dealing

with your problems, Charlie.

Ever since. . .

Well, you know.

You've been avoiding confrontation.

-But this guy inside.

-Hank.

He doesn't. Doctors feel that you've

created this character out of necessity.

You never stick up for yourself.

Charlie, why didn't you take a vacation

when Layla left?

Why would l?

You know, wives leave their husbands

every day in this country.

That's no reason

to short-change the department.

l mean, it's not like l had the flu. . .

Have you picked up your medication?

l'm really not crazy about it, though.

lt makes me so dry.

You have to take it anyway.

Dr. Rabinowitz assures us,

if you do, everything'll be fine.

This is a bunch of crap!

No wonder you're the smallest state.

Little mind, little state.

Shouldn't even be a state.

Should be a district.

Can you take these goddamn things off?

And could you stop lookin' at my ass!

Pritchard, what's going on here?

Well, Colonel, her name's Waters, lrene P .

l pulled her over on 95

for a broken tail light.

l ran a check. She's got

an outstanding warrant in New York.

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