Me, Myself & Irene Page #3

-Hit and run?

-Hit and run.

lnjured pedestrian signed the complaint.

Well, l think l might remember that.

That is ridiculous.

l've never been in an accident.

Not in my whole life.

Well, l've just gotten off the phone

with the New York State Patrol.

They don't seem to think it's so ridiculous.

-Look. . . How can we fix. . .

-Were you in Massena last Friday?

Well, yeah, l live there.

But l didn't have any accident.

l'm just driving down to Block lsland

to see my sister.

You seem like a nice guy.

ls there any way that you might let me

handle this by mail or. . .

Unfortunately, Miss Waters,

l'm not the one you have to convince.

lf there's been a mistake,

you have to clear it up in Massena.

What?

Because of somebody else's mistake,

l have to get in my car and drive

all the way back to upstate New York?

No, ma'am.

We'll have one of our troopers escort you.

Hey, Hollywood,

turn your f***in' phone off.

-Yeah?

-You're an a**hole.

Oh, hello, lrene. What'd l do now?

Listen, l'm at a police station

in Rhode lsland.

They're shipping me back to Massena

on some bogus crap.

-Sound familiar?

-l don't have a clue

-what you're talkin' about.

-Dickie!

Cut the bullshit!

Listen to me, OK?

lt's over, Dickie. lt's over.

So please just stop messing with me

and call your friends

and tell them to back off, OK?

Look, l'm being a straight shooter.

lf you need help, l'll help you.

Just give me all the details

and l'll get to the bottom of it.

Massena, New York!

Goddamn, Daddy! That's near Canada!

l know, l know. Wasn't my idea.

l gotta take this gal up north,

and then the colonel ordered me

to take a week's vacation.

A week's a long motherfuckin' time.

He wants me to rest

while l'm getting used to the medication.

Oh, come on. You don't have to worry

about us, Daddy. We're grown up now.

These two can do the shopping.

l'll do the cooking.

You do the cooking? Man, you thought you

got chipped beef from a toothy blow job!

You're gonna have Shont Junior

down or under goddamn 400lb. F*** that.

Can't have that happen. OK, guys.

l'm not leaving till the morning, but you

know the rules:
no b*tches after eleven.

-All right, Pops.

-Yeah, man.

-Got you, Papa.

-Love you, Daddy!

So who the hell's

this lrene honey anyway?

She worked for me the past two years.

l hired her to be my golf-course

superintendent. We got close.

No, you got stupid !

For the love of sh*t, these are

the loose ends that can hang you, Dickie!

And me too!

How much does she know?

She might have gotten wind

of some things.

Yeah, well, we're gonna find out.

The complaint was signed

by a guy named Peterson.

-He's with the EPA.

-EPA? l thought they were in our pocket.

Well, not all of 'em.

Even though Charlie didn't

wholeheartedly agree with the top brass,

he did as he was told.

-Careful on the road, Charlie.

-OK, Colonel.

-Hang on, ma'am.

-Yeah.

This vacation is just what Charlie needs.

l bet he's a new man when he gets back.

lf we let him back.

What do you mean?

Well, l mean that

he's become a pretty big liability.

We may have to let him go.

Let him go? But, Captain,

police work is Charlie's whole li. . .

l know, l know, damn it.

l know.

l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin' . . .

lt's a great time of year to ride, as long as

you don't mind one or two bugs.

l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing

l hadn't been tryin'

The train came in breathless

The passengers restless

He said "Baby, you'll never change"

You gotta get goin' , you gotta keep goin'

Hey, the world ain't slowin' down

For no one

lt's a carnival callin' out to you

lt sounds like a song

lt hits you like Scripture. . .

Boy, you can't beat the open road !

Weren't you the kid

who just climbed on the merry-go-round?

Hey, look, the world ain't slowin' down

Oh, no.

Oh, my goodness.

Jeez.

Those damn truckers.

You know, you think they'd call someone

to come clean this up.

Poor thing. That's terrible.

By the looks of her,

she's been here for a while.

Well, l doubt we're gonna be able

to move her, but we should try.

You wanna get that end? Give it a push?

-Really?

-Yeah, we should give it a shot.

-OK?

-OK.

Go ahead. Just push as hard as you can.

Yeah, OK.

Jesus! Holy. . .

-OK. . .

-lt's still alive!

-Just stand back. l'll take care of it.

-Oh, God ! That's terrible.

Now, don't look, OK?

Well, old girl.

Your suffering's over.

Oh, it ain't always easy

doing Mother Nature's work.

-Do you believe that?

-No, it's. . .

My God in heaven !

What is wrong with you?

Die!

Let go! Let go, girl !

On to greener pastures, come on. They're

clear-cutting a place in heaven for ya.

Come on ! Help me out!

-But. . .

-Do something !

-l don't. . .

-Let go!

Let go! Go!

Well,

that was tough, but. . .

l think we did the right thing.

Patrol car, yes. OK, thank you.

-Can l help you?

-Baileygates, Rhode lsland State Police.

l have your prisoner,

Miss lrene Waters, here.

-All right. l'll tell them you're here.

-Okay-dee, ray-dee.

What are those for?

Oh, it's just this stupid thing.

l have to take a pill every six hours

or l feel funny. No big deal.

What's it called?

Advanced delusionary schizophrenia

with involuntary narcissistic rage.

Does your ass feel numb?

No, but. . .

They give me unbelievable cottonmouth.

-l meant from the ride.

-Oh. No, no.

Over the years

my ass has taken a pounding.

My name's Peterson.

This is my partner, Agent Boshane.

We're with the Environmental Protection

Agency's Special lnvestigations.

The EPA?

What'd l hit? A baldheaded eagle?

We'll explain that to you, ma'am, but right

now we're gonna ask you to come with us.

Well, why don't you just

explain it to me now?

We put your hit-and-run report out

on the wire in order to track you down.

Track me down for what?

Agent Boshane?

l want to remind you again,

our station's at your disposal.

You're welcome to use

our interrogation rooms.

We appreciate it, Lieutenant Gerke,

but we're all set.

Right. Well, if there's anything at all l. . .

Excuse me.

l'm just gonna. . .

Get myself a drink of water.

So, if l could just get someone

to sign this, l'll be on my way.

Yeah.

Well, Miss Waters, good luck.

l hope everything works out great for you.

Thanks a lot, Charlie.

l haven't done anything wrong

and you know it.

What about the marijuana roaches you left

when you moved out of your apartment?

So l smoked some pot.

What is that, a crime?

As is being an accessory

to bribery, embezzlement,

-tax evasion and racketeering.

-What are you talking about?

Does the name Dickie Thurman ring a bell?

His company, Cedar Creek Limited, has

been under investigation for 1 8 months.

How does that make me an accessory?

l laid sod on Dickie's golf course. So what?

Tell me this. A big operation

like the Cedar Creek Country Club.

How'd you become

the head greenskeeper?

By default.

This guy, Tedeschi or Tedesco,

he was hired before me, but he died.

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