Me, Myself & Irene Page #4

Heart problem or something.

The feds believed that lrene

knew more than she thought she knew,

and her life was in danger.

They explained that everything

had been happening under her nose.

Payoffs of government agencies,

threats to those who stood in the way.

And her predecessor's heart attack?

Well, that was just cold-blooded murder.

Oh, man !

Can you excuse me?

Pizza kid.

-How much?

-That comes to $1 3.95.

Son of a b*tch !

lt was a good thing Charlie had told her

he was staying at the Chuck E. Cheese

Lodge and Miniature Golf Resort.

Charlie?

lrene finagled the key from the front desk

and let herself in.

Charlie!

Charlie, what's going on here?

lrene?

lrene, l was just. . .

l was gonna study your file

and try to find a loophole.

Did your lips get as chapped as mine

on the ride down?

Never mind. l need your help.

There was a shootout at the thing.

The agents are dead !

-Dead?

-Yeah. They were after me, Charlie!

Oh, God. This is Dickie's work. l know it!

So what are you gonna do?

-We'll call the police.

-What? No, you can't do that!

Dickie has those guys in his back pocket.

That's why l came to you.

Hey! This is serious sh*t!

You don't. . .

-l'm outta here.

-Hey, wait! No, don't do that!

Come on, hold on.

Just let me think for a second. OK?

Think someplace else.

This is the first place they're gonna look.

Damn it!

So where are we going anyway?

You'll see.

Well, they went on the lam for a bit, and

then Charlie made a couple of phone calls.

Take it easy now.

-Charlie!

-Don't worry. l'll take care of it.

Hey.

-Good work, Baileygates.

-Thanks.

Sorry l had to meet you

all the way out here.

-That's OK.

-lt's just as well. Poor gal's paranoid.

My kids are like that. They have this idea

that the cops are the bad guys. . .

Listen, l don't know what's going on

and l didn't tell the feds anything. . .

Dickie told me you were street-smart.

Why the hell would you run to this idiot?

Drop the gun, moron.

You're being video-taped.

-What're you talking about?

-There's a camera on my bike.

Hard to hit a moving target, isn't it?

Score. Good move.

Get in the car.

Come on, come on, come on.

D'you mind telling me

what you were thinking?

Calling that cop was unbelievably stupid !

Tweak the high end

on your emotional EQ, sweetbeak.

The funky chicken was Charlie's dance.

l'm a tango man myself.

As you can imagine,

there was some explaining to do.

So Hank, as he called himself,

found a quiet spot

and spelled out the whole darn mess.

OK, so what you're saying

is that you're not Charlie.

You've seen Charlie in action.

He's like origami: folds under pressure.

When the big game's on the line,

he's busy riding the pine.

OK, wait. Can you just. . .

lt's simple.

Charlie's the mouse

that got you into the maze.

l'm the rat who can find the cheese.

The name's Hank. Hank Evans. . .

For little girls

So it's true. Charlie is a schizo.

l wouldn't know. l stay out of his business,

he stays out of mine.

Look.

Just because l rock

doesn't mean l'm made of stone.

l feel your fear. lt's coming through

like static on my heart radio.

Hank? Hank.

l really, really appreciate your help,

but is there any way that maybe we could

get Charlie back out here

for a little huddle?

No problem.

While you're at it, why not climb that pole

and take a piss on the power lines?

Look, l'm not here to twist your niblets.

l'm here to save your life, but if l'm gonna

do that, l'll need total uninononynymity.

OK.

Sound good, candypants?

Hank, don't call me that.

How the hell can they call Pluto a planet?

What motherfuckin' planet has

an elliptical orbit?

-This sh*t don't make sense.

-Motherf***er!

That motherf***er Vince Foster was

murdered. l told you that sh*t!

Hey, man, quit hackin' into

them goddamn Pentagon files.

Ain't no nevermind who them crooked

politicians be killin' . You need to study.

-What did Daddy tell you about snoopin'?

-Sh*t, yeah.

lf you keep f***in' around,

you'll lose your Yale scholarship.

Be stuck up there at Stanford with

them goddamn motherfuckers.

Motherf***er, you be lucky

to get accepted to Duke,

gettin' a 1 430 on yo' SAT.

-Motherf***er, you know l had the flu.

-Flu, my ass!

You had a motherfuckin' aneurysm

to get a 1 430.

Hey, you talkin' some sh*t now.

That's probably one of them

lvy League sons of b*tches now.

Show me yo' ass head up

and get the door, man.

Hey, Captain.

-Fellas.

-What the f*** is goin' on, man?

-This is Agent Annicelli.

-Gentlemen.

-What's happenin'?

-We've got a problem.

Pack your bags.

-We're locked and loaded.

-Great.

Got enough stuff

to hold us over for 72 hours.

Well, f*** my ozone.

We're gonna rock you

Hey, ringworm.

Yeah, l'm talkin' to you,

you toxic waste of life.

You gonna pick up that butt?

Or do l have to glue it to my shoe

and stick it in your pimply a-hole?

Hey, man. Take it easy.

lt's just a cigarette.

Oh, yeah?

Well, this is just a fist, but when l throw it

around, it can leave one hell of a mess.

Let's dance.

Let's kick the sh*t out of

this crazy a**hole!

Wait, he's a schizo!

What the hell's wrong with him?

What happened anyway?

Yeah, Charlie was taking a few lumps

on account of Hank's behavior.

But, save for a little blood in the urine,

he was no worse for the wear.

l'm sorry you had to meet Hank,

Miss Waters.

l thought l was bad.

That guy has some serious problems.

He did save our lives.

Anyway, Hank had a good idea.

He thinks. . .

You're gonna listen to Hank?

Come on, look what he did to me!

What are you thinking? He's out of control.

You know what we should do?

Find another department

and tell them the whole story.

Not smart, Charlie. We don't know how far

Dickie's reach goes.

Then you know what?

l think it's time to call the best damn

law enforcement agency in the country.

The Rhode lsland State Troopers!

Do you really think

that the feds don't have some guy

up there right now, bugging calls?

They'd be on us in 1 0 minutes. And they

almost got me killed in the first place.

OK.

What was the genius's big plan?

He thinks that we should find a cabin

and hide out for a while.

Oh, yeah?

What about water and food and. . .

He already got supplies.

They're in the trunk.

These are the supplies?

Well, he had a plan, all right.

That's it? That's all he got?

Oh, no. There's more.

A rope,

shovel,

bag of lime and some lawn darts.

This is Christine DiCarlo live

from Clinton County, New York,

where the manhunt continues for

Rhode lsland State Trooper Baileygates.

. . .responsible for the death

of an EPA agent

and the kidnapping of lrene Waters.

Bullshit! My daddy ain't killed nobody

and he sure ain't kidnapped no b*tch !

Your dad's sick, mentally.

He's had a breakdown.

The important thing is we find him

so nobody else gets hurt.

Nobody's gonna get hurt.

Our daddy wouldn't

hurt a motherfuckin' fly.

No, he goes after bigger game.

We just got a report he put six bullets

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