Me, Myself & Irene Page #5

into a cow's head.

Poor thing's lucky to be alive.

OK, look, let's say he does have a problem,

which he don't.

He's been takin' pills.

-He left his pills in the hotel room.

-That's where he left his sanity.

l've seen it first-hand.

The guy's nuttier than squirrel turds.

One thing l don't understand, Lieutenant.

lf my daddy's such a scary-ass

motherf***er, why'd you go by yourself?

Who the f*** are you? Sergeant York

taking on the Germans yourself?

Your father's a police officer.

He asked me to come alone.

-How was l to know he's a nutcase?

-He ain't no f***in' nutcase!

He may have delusionary schizophrenia

with involuntary narcissistic rage,

but he is a very gentle person.

Motherf***er robot! Motherf***er robot!

What's the fuss?

Stay away from me, Hank!

l know what you had planned.

l saw your so-called supplies.

That.

l wasn't gonna just ram it home, though.

l was gonna lube it up

and ease it in there inch by inch

like a gentleman.

l was talking about the shovel

and the lime.

Shovel and lime?

Thank you.

l haven't laughed like that in a long time.

What's so funny?

-We're driving a hot carriage.

-So?

That stuff belongs to the bad cop.

You think he was gonna take

our dead bodies down to the station?

lrene decided they should

go back to Rhode lsland,

but Hank had an idea first.

Are you sure about this?

You kidding? Every oinker east of the

Mississippi will be looking for this sled.

Safer to go mass transit.

Ready? On nine.

Well, they won't be tracking us in that car.

-Thanks for the kudos.

-Sure.

-Glad we're finally on the same page.

-Me, too.

-You OK?

-Yes, l'm fine.

Thought you were going over the edge.

Thank you.

You know, l think

you're a very special unit.

That's sweet.

l hope we can

get to know each other better.

Yeah. Me too.

Do you swallow?

l get it. We'll go slow.

-Hey!

-Yes?

You didn't happen

to pick up a wallet on the dash, did you?

You're kidding, right?

So what's your tale? Where you from?

Oh, all over.

Omnipresence. l like that in a woman.

l'm originally from Texas.

Middle-class neighborhood.

But after school

l moved to New York 'cause. . .

Let me guess.

Everybody said you were easy on the eyes,

so you tried to become a model.

But in the Big Apple, they treated you

like the worm, so you became an actress.

No, but. . .

But you can't get far without talent,

and the only bright lights you saw

were the ones inside the fridge.

So you got a boob job and went

looking for a rich man with a bum ticker

and waved a white flag

in the face of your own self-loathing.

-How's my aim?

-l never went to New York City.

l went to Cornell, then l got my master's

in Turf Management at U-Mass.

Then l became

a golf-course superintendent.

-And these are all mine.

-l notice you left out your eating disorder.

-l don't have an eating disorder.

-Whatever, slim.

Hands off, Hank.

Mom !

That's real nice, Hank.

Way to keep a low profile.

lt's survival at this point.

Hey, l know how to score some dough.

-Punch me.

-What?

-Punch me in the face.

-Why?

l'll tell the big cheese

l got rolled in the parking lot.

He'll hush me with some Benjamins.

They don't need that kind of ink.

Come on, rip my head off.

-That's really lame, Hank.

-You have a better idea? Come on !

-lt's not gonna work.

-Yes, it is, but you gotta rock me.

Don't give me a girly

"l don't want to break a fingernail" tap.

This guy's gotta look at my face and just. . .

Well, the kick in the chops

didn't work out as planned.

lt just left Charlie a little more roughed up.

How's the nose feeling?

Listen to it.

-l'm really sorry, Charlie.

-l'll get over it.

l mean, you should be furious.

l just drop-kicked you right in the face.

Hey, it happens.

You got a great way

of looking at life, Charlie. You know that?

That's a gift.

Yeah, l don't know

if my shrinks would agree.

They think that's my problem.

What?

That l purposely distort my perceptions

to make my reality more palatable.

Like you only hear what you wanna hear?

Thanks. l like to keep it short,

especially in the summer.

How come l couldn't have ended up with

an easy-going guy like you, Charlie? Huh?

Sometimes l think there's something

about my look that just attracts a**holes.

That's crazy.

You're a very special girl, lrene.

Look at you.

You're just so down-to-earth.

l mean, look at your hair.

lt's like you don't give a damn.

And you let your skin hang out, blemishes

an' all. You're not afraid of your flaws.

Your face is all pursed up

like you just sucked on a lemon,

but you pull it off!

You thinkin' what l'm thinkin'?

-Oh, no.

-Oh, yeah.

Come on !

-l don't know if l can !

-Yes, you can !

Humans only use 1 0% of their potential !

You gotta reach down

for that little extra something !

There you go!

Now you're gettin' it!

l believe in you !

Don't you give up on me now!

Easier than l thought! Come on !

Go, Charlie. Go! You can do it!

Come on, Charlie!

Use more of your potential !

Come on, Charlie! Go!

Jump off!

-What?

-Jump off!

What?

Jump off the train !

lrene?

Come on. Stop fooling around.

l started thinking about it. Bad idea.

Trains are the first place they'll look.

Oh, come on.

We checked all the gas and food stops

along the interstate. No sign of 'em.

lnterstate! ls your old lady happy?

My old lady?

Cos if your f***in' is like your police work,

you couldn't hit the G spot

on a 1 2lb p*ssy.

Watch yourself.

-What are you gettin' at?

-Look, Daddy ain't gonna take no road

where y'all blind-ass cops is lookin' .

And, motherf***er, he don't eat fast food.

OK, l have three dollars.

How much do you have?

-Six bucks.

-Let me go up and order, so we can go.

OK. l'll have a chicken breast sandwich.

No skin, dry toast.

You make me dizzy

running circles in my head

One of these days l'll chase you down

Well, look who's going crazy now

We're face to face, my friend

Better get out

Better get out!

-What are you starin' at, f***er?

-You know you make me break out. . .

Wanna start me up?

Just pull the cord, pal.

l'm due for a seismic event.

You're dancin' on the fault line.

-Hey, what is your problem, pal?

-l got no beef with you. Just the kid.

-Hey, stop it!

-He started it.

l'm so sorry. l apologize.

He suffers from this thing.

l'm standing right here, four-eyes.

Oh, poor baby. Has to let his daddy

fight his battles for him, huh?

He's an ass.

P*ssy.

How's it hangin' , fellas?

Hank, l presume.

-D'you miss me?

-Why don't you get Charlie back?

Things were finally becoming civilized.

Pocahontas, you gotta put your ear

to the ground to hear the buffelo.

l don't know what that means, OK?

lt means either he makes up a battle plan,

or Hank'll take over Fort Charlie for good.

Did you just refer to yourself

in the fourth person?

Holy Jesus in heaven ! lt's a giant Q-Tip.

Hank!

What? l'm jokin' .

Bringin' a little sunshine into his life.

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