Me, Myself & Irene Page #6

Careful, you'll peel.

-Do you need to see a menu?

-No, thank you. We've ordered.

That's it.

Hold on, cheese tits.

-Did l miss something?

-Don't give me that sh*t!

What you just did to that kid was terrible.

Didn't you see the look on his face?

Looked a little pale, that's all.

He was hurt and offended.

Well, l disagree, but why speculate?

-Hey, Milky! iVmonos!

-Hey, no!

Come on, Br'er Rabbit. Hop down

the bunny trail. Epa, epa, ndale.

Listen, were you offended in any way

by our social interaction here?

Yeah, actually l was.

What was it? The Q-Tip thing?

Actually l was pretty much offended

by everything you said, sir.

Sorry.

l'm truly sorry.

You OK?

You don't know what it was like.

Spending all those years

trapped behind a wall of politeness.

Bound and gagged. . .

ln a dark and silent world

where nothing grows but the anger.

All because some demon he married

laced up her boots

and did a Nancy Sinatra on him.

Charlie had a wife?

And then some.

l was a big piece

of the personality pie back then.

But when she left him,

Charlie went numb. . .

And l went AWOL.

Well,

if you were

such a big part of the personality,

then she left you too.

lt's true.

She left us.

l loved her.

Why'd she do this?

l'm not a bad person.

No, you're not a bad guy.

No, you're not.

D'you hear me?

You're a good person.

You really think so?

Yeah, l'm starting to.

You know what l'm gonna do?

l'm gonna make it up to Charlie.

And l'm gonna make it up

to that sweet little circus geek in there.

Hank?

Agent Boshane!

They were spotted leaving a health-food

restaurant 1 00 miles from here.

-1 5 minutes, tops.

-Got it.

They got 1 50 cordoned off?

Let's fly!

Can you please tell him to stop this?

Charlie, is that you?

Hey, my nose.

My nose is fixed.

-lsn't that great?

-How'd that happen?

Well, Hank wanted

to do something nice for you,

so he insisted that we

go to a plastic surgeon.

What? Did you say plastic surgeon?

Oh, my God.

What is this?

What d'you. . . What is this?

Hank thought that you kinda

had a weak chin, so. . .

What?

l like my chin. . .

l like my chin.

lt's my chin ! lt's my chin ! Mine!

How'd you pay for it?

l loaned him the money.

Who the hell are you?

lt's me.

Milky.

Who the hell is Milky

and what is he doing here?

lrene has a lot of people who would like

to see her in an unmarked grave.

l don't think it's safe

for you to hang around with us.

Why not?

You, lrene and Hank are my only friends.

What about your family?

Won't they miss you?

My family's all. . .

They're gone.

Oh, jeez.

Well, we can't call you Milky anymore.

What's your real name?

Casper. But my friends call me Whitey.

OK.

l can't find the time to tell you

l can't find the time to tell you. . .

Whoa!

So many things to say

l could fit it in a book, fit it in a book

of a thousand pages, yeah

So many people say

That l couldn't tell a lie, couldn't tell a lie

in a thousand ages

-Here you go. l got your car all filled up.

-Thank you, Joseph.

Oh, yeah.

Get your cock out of my Chrysler,

you son of a b*tch !

You son of a. . .

l'm gonna kill you ! l'm gonna get you !

l can't find the time to tell you

l look at your pretty face

And l fall in love with you

Fall in love with you

Every time l see you there

They are flowing to the ground

Flowing to the ground

ln a mist around you

Baby, you're wrong

What's that on your shirt?

l'm sorry.

That was good.

Charlie, what the hell is that?

-Oh, yeah, l'm gonna fall for that.

-No, Charlie.

Not me.

Nice try though.

How dumb do l look?

l can't find the time to tell you

l can't find the time to tell you. . .

Hey, they only had two rooms: 1 9 and 20.

So you guys will have to bunk up.

l can't find the time to tell you

So, Whitey. . .

What happened to your family?

l killed them.

Come again?

When l was 1 5, l hacked them up

with a hammer while they were sleeping.

Ma, Dad, my bro and my sis.

She was awake, my sis.

Which l regret.

Yeah, well. . .

We all have family stuff.

That's what makes the holidays so hard.

l just got released last month

on my 21 st birthday.

To tell you the truth, l really wasn't ready

to leave, but they said l had to.

That's a f***ed-up law, huh?

Well, l guess they need the extra room

for the real. . .

Psychos.

l'm gonna go and try to make out

with whatsherface.

-Go for it.

-All right!

-What?

-Yeah.

He just told me that he brutally murdered

his entire family in their sleep!

-Oh, my God !

-He was a juvenile. They just let him out.

So, l was gonna ask if l could. . .

Stay here.

But l can sleep in the car.

That's me and my whippersnappers.

l'm Dorothy.

Look at you !

When did you take this? At Halloween?

No. Just messing around the house.

You seem like a really good dad, Charlie.

l try to be.

They're incredible kids. Oh, God.

So happy and funny.

They never give me any grief.

-They're the top three students out of 21 1 .

-Golly!

-l don't know where they get it from.

-That's just good genes.

You know, l don't think l. . . No, l don't think

l carry even one picture anymore.

-Why not?

-l don't know.

l used to when l was younger.

Pictures of friends and stuff like that.

l guess they just got old and fell apart.

Kind of like the friendships.

That's too bad.

-Tell you what. Why not keep that one?

-No, Charlie. That's yours.

Are you kidding? l have tons of them

at home. No, l got a bunch. Come on.

-You do?

-Yeah.

OK.

Thanks.

l'm dry.

You know, l'm gonna go get a soda.

-You want a soda?

-Sure. OK.

l caught that, bozo.

Not once but twice it burned ya.

Give it another kick.

-l think l just had an epiphany!

-What?

That l might be able to control

this problem of mine.

How'd you learn that?

First the Coke machine robbed me.

And l'm fine with that.

But then some guy came up

and laughed in my face.

-Oh, no.

-No, no, but that's just it!

See? Just when l was starting to feel

those old familiar feelings,

l just took a deep breath, counted

backwards from 1 0 and l said to the guy

"Excuse me, sir, but your laughter

is not helping me right now."

And he said

"l'm sorry. l didn't mean to make fun."

That was it! l helped him with his bags.

-Really?

-Yes.

Well, that's great!

And you got the Cokes.

Just a little rap on the side

of the machine and presto!

Maybe that's it though, you know?

-Look what l found in my bag.

-Oh, no! Oh, boy.

What do you think? Do you?

Under the right circumstances,

sure, l could tip a few.

And these are the right circumstances.

There you go.

-Celebrate good times, come on.

-Oh, well.

Whoa, that must be mine!

Jesus! Oh, God.

Oh, my God !

lrene?

Why am l peeing

like l was up all night having sex?

Well, seems old Hank

had pulled a fast one.

And if that wasn't bad enough, there was

more trouble right around the corner.

l want everybody to stay put

and wait for my order.

-You mean you couldn't tell the difference?

-Are you serious?

-Who the hell could?

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