Me, Myself & Irene Page #7

-A sober person for one.

So we had some drinks.

Well, look who joined the party.

Did you have fun?

"Ooh, yes, l did ! Ooh, yes l did !"

So old Hanky-Panky

wasn't enough for you, huh?

lt wasn't for me.

-Are you sure this is the woman?

-Absolutely.

When my boyfriend Scooter brought in

the paper, l recognized her right away.

Thanks a lot. Scooter.

-Here they come.

-Look, Starsky and Hutch, this is the plan.

Let us talk to our dad

so this ain't gotta be no big thing.

Thanks, but this is

the end of the line for you.

Officer Stubie'll drive you to the chopper.

What? You brung us all the way down

for us to leave now?

-That don't make no motherfuckin' sense!

-You've done all you can do.

This is a police matter from now on.

Wait. lt may be a police matter to you,

but the police don't matter sh*t to me

when it's my daddy in there!

l said you're gettin' the hell outta here.

That's the end of it.

Guys, look, l'm sorry.

l hate to admit it, but this time he's right.

-You can't be here. lt's a liability.

-He's the f***in' liability!

Don't worry. This is my investigation.

l promise there will be no bloodshed.

l promise!

Come on, guys. Let's go.

You OK, Charlie?

Yeah. l'm just. . .

Freshening up!

How do you wanna handle it?

l say we storm the place

and start shooting.

-What if he's unarmed?

-Plant a gun on him afterwards.

Don't f*** it up this time.

Agent Boshane!

lt's Stubie.

He's got Baileygates and the girl.

What?

This is Boshane. What's going on?

l caught 'em out on 1 34 in a stolen vehicle.

Baileygates and the girl.

Officer Stubie,

l don't want you to attempt to move them.

-Don't move them ! We'll be right there.

-Get in your cars. Come on !

We sure is sorry, Officer,

but our daddy told us to trust our instinct,

and our instinct says

somethin' don't smell right. Let's roll.

You guys are making a big mistake!

'Cause l promise you,

when l find your old man,

l'm personally gonna f*** him up!

Why'd you go an' say

somethin' like that for, huh?

Lee Harvey.

-What's the diameter of a chicken egg?

-4.08cm.

-No, what's that in inches?

-1 .61 . What the f*** you gettin' at?

l got 1 0 bucks say

l can squeeze a chicken egg up his ass.

You can't put no chicken egg up his ass.

He's a tightass!

-No, it can be done.

-Yo, l'll take that bet.

-Right on.

-Pull yo' ass out!

l'll tell you one thing.

lf l didn't have bad luck,

l'd have no luck at all.

What are we gonna do about Whitey?

Take a guess. We're going on without him.

Moody.

Well, l didn't have

the fun you had last night.

Just the hangover

and the swollen prostate.

-D'you have any cash left?

-Yes. $60 , but it's Whitey's.

Yeah, well, bad things happen to people

who kill their family with a hammer.

-l'm payin' under protest.

-lt was close enough.

Yeah, whatever.

Sh*t.

Give me the scanner, so we can find out

what the f***'s goin' on !

Anybody know how to fly this thing?

Motherf***er, it's just lift

versus drag and rotation !

-Yeah, get your head out your ass!

-lt ain't that. This manual's in German.

-Motherf***er, you speak German !

-l can speak it. l didn't say l could read it!

You's a motherfuckin' disgrace!

Then get this motherf***er off the ground !

All right! Oh, sh*t!

Jesus!

Would somebody get this goddamn

chicken out of my ass, please?

Everybody, stay back. We'll do this alone.

l'll take 1 9 , you take 20 . Stay back!

Goddamn it!

Sons of b*tches, l'll show 'em.

Sons of b*tches.

-l need a gun and lots of ammo.

-Sorry.

-How far am l from Rhode lsland?

-Four or five hours.

Got a map of New England,

if you want. $1 .95.

-Here's a five. Keep the change.

-Thanks.

-Hello.

-Finneran, it's Charlie.

Charlie, you are in deep sh*t.

Where the hell are you?

Listen, you gotta get a message

to the colonel.

But no one outside the department

can know about this, OK?

'Cause this is deep.

Bring plenty of backup. You got it.

Don't worry. Nobody outside

the department will hear about this.

Watch yourself, buddy.

Thanks for notitying us, Officer.

No, you've been a really big help.

-You stay close.

-Yes, sir.

Excuse me.

-Where's Dickie?

-He's waiting for us in Boston.

l think it's time

our rich boy got his hands dirty.

Tell me.

How was. . .

Mr. Wonderful?

This is getting really ridiculous, Charlie,

so just let it go.

l turn my back for one minute

and you stick it up my ass! Literally!

For your information,

you stuck it in your own ass!

Don't turn this around on me, OK? You're

the one who can't keep your legs closed.

-Why are you doing this?

-Because l l. . .ike you.

What?

l like you.

Well, you shouldn't, Charlie.

l'm just a ditz.

A ditz? What are you talking about?

You're 27 years old.

You're the superintendent

of a major golf resort.

Yeah, well, l kind of fudged my rsum

a little bit to get that job.

Look, l don't know the first thing about

running a golf course, Charlie. l'm a model.

l moved to New York,

but none of it worked out,

so then l tried to be an actress and. . .

l got this eating disorder

where l gained, like, 20lb.

-That's not that bad.

-ln a week.

So l kind of lost my self-respect.

Before you know it, l had 70-year-old guys

trying to support me

and l really didn't like

who l was becoming.

God, l have made so many mistakes.

lrene. . .

You didn't know what Dickie was up to.

Did you?

l may be a ditz, but l'm not a crook.

When we met, light was set

Thoughts free flow

You said you've got something

Deep inside of you

A wind-chime voice sounds

Sway of your hips 'round rings true

My ass is really sore.

lt goes deep inside of you

Wow!

l never get tired of hearing that.

Hey.

l'm lookin' for my friends.

A pretty blonde and a guy with a buzz cut.

-Cabin E.

-Thanks a lot.

Don't make a sound.

l don't know anything,

and that's what l told the police.

Shut up, lrene! You just listen to me.

Maybe we can work something out.

Time to face the music, Mozart.

And one, and two, and. . .

Warden, l want my own cell.

Great. You again.

-What tree did this sap ooze out of?

-lt's Dickie! He got me into all this crap!

-Oh, your golf buddy.

-Yeah.

-l hope it's OK if l play through.

-Hank!

-OK, turn around. l'll play the back nine.

-Stop it!

Come on. He couldn't have

chewed up the greens that badly.

Get away from me!

He hasn't played the course in a long time.

lt was Charlie who was putting.

-Charlie?

-Yeah.

He might not be long on the tee,

but he's got a good up-and-down game.

What's that suppo. . .

Can we speak English?

l never wanted to sleep with you, Hank!

OK? You tricked me!

That's right, l did trick you. lt was

deceitful, disgusting and despicable.

But just this once,

try to look at it from my side.

l was horny.

Oh, God !

You are such an a**hole!

Come on.

Don't be mad, my little pussyfart.

l warned you about that, buddy!

Warned me about what?

Charlie?

Providence, Rhode lsland.

Ten-minute stop.

Did you. . .

-What?

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