Me, Myself & Irene Page #8

-What's going on?

-Hank was coming on to me again.

-Hank!

Damn it. l am so sick of that guy!

OK, Hank, come out here. Let's settle this

the old-fashioned way. Come on !

l may not be tough,

but damn it, l can get good and mad !

Stop it, man. You're scaring me.

-What's the matter?

-Let's go before he wakes up.

l'm not through with you, buster.

l'm not through with you !

What's the matter, Hank?

Afraid to pick on someone your own size?

Are you OK? What happened?

That was dirty.

All right. Come on.

Where are you? Where are you?

Here l am.

You bastard !

Stop it, you're gonna kill him !

You're choking me!

You're choking me!

Charlie, don't break it.

Get on your knees and beg me. Up yours.

On your feet. We're gonna have fun.

lrene!

Hi, ladies. My name is Charlie Baileygates.

Wanna see my weasel?

Free hot dogs here. All you can eat.

Get your foot-long and a bag of nuts.

No! Don't listen to him !

lt's not me! lt's Hank!

lt's Hank!

Come back here, Hank!

l'm not through with you !

Had enough? Up yours.

Stop it, you two!

-lt's Gerke! Come on !

-Hank, truce? For now, f***er.

Watch out! He's got a gun !

l'll follow the girl. You get Baileygates!

Police officer! Everybody down ! Get down !

Outta the way!

Hank, we're shot!

You p*ssy, it's just a flesh wound. Look.

Look, there's keys in that car.

No, l can't go on.

l think. . .

l think l'm gonna faint.

Do you mean to say

l've gotta carry your sorry ass?

All right.

Come on, Rip Van Wussy.

Jesus, you're heavy.

Now get in there!

And we're gone.

Sh*t! Don't worry.

Hank, what have you done? Oh, my God !

Don't you just love it?

You are a sick pup.

Yeah, well, takes one to know one.

What are you doing? Hank?

Ever been b*tch-slapped?

l'm gonna kill you, Hank! l swear to God !

Arrivederci, deadwood. No!

What are you still doin' here?

Hank, we're in this together.

Pritchard.

Cover the other end.

l want Charlie arrested on sight.

Hey, lrene. You just keep walking, now.

lrene!

Baileygates, you're coming with me.

-Not now, Finneran.

-Yes, now!

That was me.

Yeah, big deal.

-Shut up, Hank! You're so. . .

-Hank!

-Hank!

-Hey! Let her go!

She asked for me, a**hole.

Big deal !

Dickie, you know l don't know anything !

Shut up, lrene. lt's too late.

Hank!

-No way.

-Come on.

Oh, no. Water.

Yeah. She's screwed. l'll buy you a beer.

No! We're doin' it!

Hank!

Hank! What are you doing?

Give me the leg !

Hank, hurry!

This is my body!

Do you understand that?

l call the shots from now on, Hank!

l don't need you

to fight my battles for me!

lf you can back down from something

this important, you're nothing at all !

You're nothing at all !

l got my leg back.

Oh, no. Hank!

l'm coming, lrene!

-Hank!

-lt's OK, lrene.

Hank's gone.

-lt's me, Charlie.

-Charlie?

Maybe you should go back and get help.

No, l can handle it.

l'm warning you, pal.

You're gonna get hurt.

Be careful, Charlie!

-Just do what he says, Charlie!

-Back off! Just turn around ! Now!

Take it easy, Dickie. Take it easy.

There's nowhere to go.

Come on, Dickie.

Give me the gun. Come on.

Come on. That's it.

Nice and easy.

Where's my thumb?

That's kidnapping and assault!

-Why stop there?

-No!

Oh, God !

Whitey!

Rock 'n' roll !

lrene!

-lrene!

-What?

Oh, my God !

Keep goin' . Bring it down.

We're comin' , Daddy! We're comin' , man !

lt's my kids!

Hang on, Daddy!

Grab a hold of that motherf***er, man !

So, how's my thumb lookin' , Doc?

l'll let you know when l find it.

lrene, Charlie,

this is Agent Steve Parfitt, FBl.

You must be real proud of these maniacs.

Oh, l am.

Yeah, we're proud

of this motherf***er too.

lt's good to see you're safe, Dad.

The colonel informed them

that all the guilty parties had been

apprehended.

Gerke was arraigned

at a Providence hospital,

and Agent Boshane had been arrested

at the train station in New London.

But Charlie Baileygates

had other things on his mind.

-Charlie, nicely done.

-Thanks, Sea Bass.

Hey, Whitey. Listen, l wanted to tell you

that l really appreciate

everything you did for me.

l owe you a huge one.

And l'm truly sorry

that you had to kill again.

-Must be messing with your head.

-l never killed anyone before.

-What?

-You're a schizo who's wanted for murder,

and you're laying in bed next to me

gabbing like a 1 6-year-old girl

on the phone.

You freaked me out, man.

But what about your family?

How did they die?

l never said they were dead.

l said they were gone.

They moved to Phoenix, the bastards.

Look at me.

l wouldn't last two minutes in the desert.

Hey, your bandage is wet.

Oh, yeah?

Well, maybe it's time to come off.

l'm surprised it's held on this long.

Hey, that's not so bad.

Hey, Daddy, we just wanted to say that. . .

Holy sh*t!

Look, Daddy got a butthole on his face.

Oh, boy. Here we go.

He sure is

a Spartacus-lookin' motherf***er.

Hey, Daddy, now you can blow your nose

and wipe your ass at the same damn time!

You know what l'm saying?

-So. . .

-So. . .

-How'd your meeting with the shrink go?

-Wonderful.

Clean bill of health.

A well-rounded individual.

That's great, Charlie.

l'm really happy for you.

Thank you.

Well. . .

l hope if you're ever,

you know, around here, you'll. . .

Come and visit us.

Yeah.

-Little Rhodie.

-Biggest little state in the union.

-Let me get that for you.

-Thanks.

-Hey, lrene?

-Yeah?

Maybe l could come

visit you sometime soon.

Promise?

You bet.

And that's the word

of a Rhode lsland State Trooper, ma'am.

l found you sittin' on a suitcase cryin'

Beneath my feet

l feel the rumble of a subway train, yeah

l laugh out loud 'cause it's the one thing

l hadn't been tryin'

The train came in breathless

The passengers restless

She said "Baby, you'll never change"

You gotta get goin'

You gotta keep goin'

Hey, the world ain't slowin' down. . .

You gotta be kidding.

Hold it right there.

Miss Waters?

l'd like you to step out of the car.

What did l not do now?

-We've reason to believe this is stolen.

-What?

No, no, l rented this car!

Would you step out of the car, please?

Great.

Front of the car, please.

Hands on the hood.

Spread your legs.

-That's great.

-Thank you. Following procedure, ma'am.

Oh, you guys!

You guys are beautiful ! Look,

why don't we skip the trial, get right to it?

You can lock me up

and keep me here forever!

That's what l had planned.

Look.

-l hope her little skinny ass is reading this.

-Man, l'm pretty sure she's lookin' , man.

Oh, Charlie.

lt's gonna be raining wine

and roses tonight.

lt'll be rainin' my motherfuckin' cookies

if this motherf***er don't stop

this turbulence sh*t!

Well, that's Charlie's story,

and l'm sticking to it.

They all moved in together

and lived as one big happy family.

Charlie and lrene, the guys,

even that nice albino fella, Whitey.

And l'm happy to report

Charlie got promoted to lieutenant

in the greatest law enforcement agency

in the land:
the Rhode lsland State Police.

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