Me Again

I don't know

if what happened to me was real

or if it was just a dream.

I'm not even sure

that that matters anymore.

But I feel like I owe

you all an apology.

If you're going to believe any

of this or even understand it,

I feel like I'm going to have

to start at the beginning.

Looking back,

it seems like only yesterday.

I fell in love

with my wife, April,

when I was about 5 years old.

Richie, do you want

some honeysuckle tea?

I guess.

I leamed then,

when it comes to women,

there's always a catch.

You're my fella, Richie,

and when a girl meets a fella,

they end up having tea

and getting married.

Oh.

I want to be a spaceman

and fly to the moon.

Dinner

time, April! Come on in.

Okay, Mom!

We'll get married when you

get back from the moon.

I'll wait for you.

I don't care how much

you plan for your future.

You don't know what it's

actually going to be like

until you live it.

The years passed quickly

and with them came children,

bills, and responsibilities.

There's never enough

time, money, or freedom.

Somewhere between honeysuckle

tea and "How did I get here?"

my life happened, and I didn't

recognize myself anymore.

I know a man must die,

but I didn't know

that he was bound to die twice.

Long before

he's put into the ground,

he must trade the man of his

youth, his goals and dreams,

for mowing lawns,

taking out the trash

and weekends of antiquing.

Nice ride, Mr. Chaplin.

That's kind of like dying, right?

# And she saw me #

# I put my foot in my mouth

and started walking #

# So why #

# What's the problem #

I don't regret marrying

April and having a family.

I regret not really

understanding what that life

would look like.

I wasn't prepared for it.

April got tired of me passing

through life like a sleepwalker

and asked for a separation.

I wasn't prepared

for that, either.

Wake up, sunshine!

Breakfast is served.

What time is it?

It is Sunday.

That's what time it is.

Oh, another Sunday already.

Oh.

Do you know I've been preaching

to the same people for 15 years

and nothing changes?

Can't somebody else do it?

Can't somebody else be you?

No.

Not only does that defy

the laws of physics,

nobody would want

to be you right now.

Fried calamari?

What do you want from me?

I run an Italian restaurant.

Look, Rich, I know

your wife threw you out,

and your kids

want nothing to do with you,

you're burnt out

on your job; but, Buddy,

start looking at things

from the bright side.

Okay, I guess there

is no bright side.

You ever wish you

were someone else,

so that you could be

free to live the life

you were supposed to?

Who doesn't?

Look at me.

I was supposed to be

a hotshot Hollywood director.

Instead, I run a restaurant

for the meanest guy

on the planet.

Look, you play the hand

you were dealt.

I'll see you in church.

I'll see you later.

Pastor? You got a minute

before the service

this moming?

Sure, come on in,

Bill, Maggie, baby.

So, how can I help you?

It's about our baby.

She's just a baby.

It's not her fault.

You're always taking her side!

Guys!

Look, we didn't plan on

the financial burden of a baby.

It's putting a strain

on our marriage.

We're hoping you

had some advice.

Well, figure it out soon,

because lawyers are

more expensive than children.

I've got to get ready

for church.

What are you looking at?

So, how does the story

of the prodigal son end?

Kid comes home

after squandering

away his father's fortune,

and he is... you guys are going

to love this... pretty much,

he is treated

like a rock star!

Huh?

Well, you know,

we need a rock star.

Wah, wah, wah, wah!

Huh?

This guy's on the drums!

Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo

doo-doo-doo-whoosh!

Ah!

The crowd goes wild!

And the respectful son,

right,

the guy who stayed home,

and he did the right thing,

you know what he got?

Does anybody here know

what the guy

that did the right thing got?

Nada, nothing, zip!

So, there you have it!

Life is unfair.

That about covers it.

Well, thank you.

That was interesting.

Let's everyone

pick up their hymnals.

Obnoxious, when

subtlety isn't enough.

The

following live presentation

is a paid for advertisement.

Did you ever

wish you were someone else?

You have no idea.

Have you ever wondered,

'Is this all there is?"

Every day.

Hello, folks.

I'm Big Earl, and I'm here

to tell you about a program

guaranteed to give you

a new heart and spirit,

but you have to act fast.

Time is running out.

Call now.

Big Earl.

Got that?

So, Michael, how's school?

Why is it when parents don't

know what to say to their kids,

they ask about school?

Well, school is important.

I don't like this food.

So, what's new

with you Briar?

Nothing.

Who are you texting?

It's really none

of your business.

She's in love with a boy.

Shut up, dork-a-lo!

Children!

I'm not a child!

So, everybody

enjoying their meal?

What is it?

Well, young lady,

that is the house special,

a sauteed tripe

in a mongoose marinade.

Hmm?

Ah, I'm needed

in the kitchen.

Bon appetit.

What's a tripe?

What's a mongoose?

You don't have to eat that.

Eighty-six the marinade!

Hey, Mikey!

Where's your mom?

Probably in the garage.

Hey, maybe next week

we could go to that,

that game place you like.

Hey.

What's all this?

I'm cleaning out the garage

and turning it

into an art studio.

What started all this?

I haven't painted

since college.

I like to finish what I start.

You're saying that I don't?

Well, there's the playhouse

you were supposed to build

the kids.

You said, "What's the point?

They're just going to

grow out of it one day."

And then there was the mug that

Ruby was supposed to paint me

for Mother's Day.

I think that was

about the time you checked out

and just, you know,

stopped trying.

Okay, but what

else besides those?

What else didn't you finish?

Um, oh, yeah, our marriage.

I'm not the one who

asked for a separation.

But you've changed, Richie.

You are not

the man that I married.

I mean, it's like

you're a roommate,

and all you do is complain about

how unfulfilled your life is.

I mean, do you have any idea

what it does to a woman's spirit

to feel like,

you know, she's an anchor

around her husband's neck?

It's not like that at all.

I mean, haven't you

ever wondered

if there was more out there?

More than us?

I mean, more than me?

That's not what I meant.

I have waited for you

to figure out what's important,

Richie, okay?

And after 15 years

and 3 kids, I am still waiting.

How come I'm

not in the picture?

Because you

haven't wanted to be.

April, wait a second.

April!

Obnoxious, when

subtlety isn't enough.

Big Earl here,

reminding you of a program guaranteed

to wash the old you away!

Make the first step

for a new you.

Call now.

Your stone heart

will be replaced,

but you have to act now.

Time is running out.

Well, he's persistent.

I'll give him that.

Call now.

I'm talking to you.

Hey, I need cheering up.

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