Me and Earl and the Dying Girl Page #2

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Mom! I am now entering

a subhuman state.

...a friend with cancer,

you are sadly mistaken,

my friend.

You are going to pick up

that phone.

You're going to

call Rachel again.

You are going to.

You are going to.

Oh, Greg.

Oh, Mrs. Kushner.

Denise, Greg.

To you, I'm Denise, okay?

Oh, okay. Good.

You're a real good kid,

you know that?

You really are.

You just have a big heart.

You're kind, nice.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.

Good, good, good, good, good...

...good boy.

Okay.

You really are kind,

big-hearted, delicious...

...yummy, yummy, young boy.

And you're so, so, handsome.

Oh, I'm not handsome,

but thank you.

And so modest.

I guess I'm a modest mouse.

Greg, where do you come up

with this stuff?

Well, that's the name

of a band, actually.

Oh.

Yeah.

Rachel!

I've got a modest little mouse

here to see you!

Rachel.

Greg, what are you doing here?

So, uh...

...the doctor

really recommends

a strong dosage of Gregitor.

You already used that joke.

No.

No, 'cause last time

it was about Greg-acil...

...which if you recall comes

in convenient gel-tab form.

Look, I don't want you

hanging out with me.

I don't need your stupid pity.

It's fine, you can just go.

No, no.

You got it all wrong. I'm not

here 'cause I pity you.

I'm actually here

because my mom is making me.

That's actually worse.

Yeah, I know.

Look, it's okay. Honestly,

I'm fine. Just... just go.

Okay, Rachel, just listen

to me for a second.

My mom is gonna turn my life

into a living hell...

...if I don't hang out

with you.

I can't overstate how annoying

she's being about this.

She's basically like

the LeBron James of nagging.

LeBron James plays basketball.

I know who LeBron James is.

Look, I know I'm not doing you

any favors here.

What I'm asking is for you

to do me a favor.

You want a favor from me?

Yes.

Just let me hang out

with you for one day.

I could tell

my mom we hung out

and then we'll just be

out of each other's lives.

Deal?

Deal.

Word.

Is that a Black Power salute?

No, I was going in

for a fist bump.

I can't fist bump you

from up here.

Yeah, I realize that.

Books.

Nice.

And, uh...

...tree wallpaper.

That's good.

Why?

I don't know.

There's a lot of pillows

in here.

Mmm-hmm.

Seriously, like, how many...

how many pillows is that?

I don't know.

I wish I had

that many pillows.

So, ask your parents for some.

No, they'd be suspicious

or something.

What, that you'd sleep

all the time?

No. Probably assume

I was gonna masturbate

all over them.

They just have

some gross ideas about me.

But that's on them.

They're always getting

sexy pillows.

This is a nice pillow.

This pillow is a dude,

obviously...

...but it reminds me

of this pillow

we used to have

named Francesca.

They have a similar coloring.

Anyway, Francesca,

we had to eventually

give away because in the end...

...that whole situation

was just a real problem.

It was a mess.

There was a real chemistry

between us both that

I think no one could deny.

I know the world may have

thought it was wrong...

...but I think, personally,

the world was wrong...

...about what

could be between...

...a pillow, and a boy...

...who became a man.

Or whatever. I'm just...

...trying to be funny.

No, that was good. Thank you.

Oh, sh*t.

I actually have to go.

That's okay. Who was that?

Sorry. Uh, that was Earl.

Oh, who's Earl?

You may remember Earl

from 15 minutes ago.

Titties.

So, some people think

Earl is my friend,

but he's really not.

He's more like a coworker.

I've known him

since kindergarten.

His house is

a short walk from mine,

but in a much

tougher neighborhood.

His dad is in Texas, his mom

is a depressed shut-in.

And his brother

Derrick's dog Doopie

will definitely eat me someday.

Doopie, Doopie, chill!

So over the years we've

mostly hung out at my place.

Usually with my dad,

a tenured sociology professor.

What you got, cat?

You wanna fight?

Didn't think so, punk-ass cat.

- Boys!

- His job allows him

to be frequently at home

doing nothing.

You'll want to pay

close attention to this.

The insane conquistador,

Aguirre,

is raging through the jungle...

...in search of a golden city

that doesn't exist.

The wrath of God.

It's a classic

of foreign cinema.

Who else is with me?

In addition to the best films...

This is cuttlefish.

...my house also has

the weirdest food.

A sea creature

much like a squid.

It is a favorite East Asian

snack food.

Obviously we come from

pretty different backgrounds.

But somehow, we like

most of the same things.

Yes, its smell is

odd and repellent

to our Western noses.

And we learned pretty early on

that we were the only ones

who liked...

...for example,

classics of foreign cinema.

Why did we like them?

It's hard to say.

Maybe it's that they were

weird and often violent,

like us.

Or confusing and possibly

meaningless, like life.

You can't escape of

this stinkin' camp

because you never know

when they call you.

Because you're paid for,

you're under contract.

Anyway,

we liked them so much

we started making our own.

Action!

The idea behind

each one was...

...we took a film

that we liked

and made the title stupider.

And then made a new film

to reflect

the new stupid title.

It's a formula that only

produces horrible films...

...but for some reason

we keep using it.

We've made 42 films.

You'd think we'd have stopped

making them by now.

But we haven't.

Honestly, it's like

you can't go anywhere.

You can't escape this

stinking place...

...because you don't know

when they call you...

and you're paid to be here,

it's bullshit.

Yeah, and it's like, you know,

I can't do anything.

I'm not a free person.

Truly, one of my favorites

from your oeuvre.

A mature investigation

into the nature of violence.

Dad, for like

the billionth time,

you're not allowed

to watch these.

I'm a fan.

You gonna go see

that girl again?

I mean, probably, yeah.

You gonna play

with them titties?

No. It's not like that.

Well, that's not right.

I mean, this could be

her last chance on Earth

to be with a man.

Don't make this about you.

Earl!

First of all,

if it's that high-stakes,

probably won't even be able

to get a boner.

Did I even say sh*t

about boners?

No.

What kind of cancer even is

acute myelogenous leukemia?

You know, cancer of the, uh...

...the thing.

It's bullshit!

The Battle of Antietam was

the bloodiest day

in American history.

Class, what do you have to

say for yourselves?

Respect the research.

That is what

I'm talking about!

All right, run for your lives.

Save yourselves.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Good work today, everybody.

Way to go. Bam.

Love it. Good stuff.

Good job.

Excellent work today.

Excellent. Nice job.

Hey, can I talk to you?

Can I talk to you

for a second?

Sure, Greg, what's up?

Uh, do you know

any facts about leukemia?

Leukemia?

Yeah, it's a cancer of the

blood and/or bone marrow.

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