Me and Earl and the Dying Girl Page #4

---

is the business.

It's Vietnamese.

It's called Pho.

It is "Pho-nomenal."

Well, let me try

some one time.

Mmm.

Now you want to try some?

Yeah.

Well, no.

It's strictly forbidden for me

to give you food.

However, if you go to...

...Thuyen's Super

Saigon Flavor

over in Lawrenceville...

...and ask for Thuyen.

Tell him to put it on my tab.

You'll be all set.

I ain't going to

no damn Lawrenceville.

Fair enough.

You'll have to excuse me.

Boys.

Respect the research.

Respect!

God! You know,

people just assume that

Rachel and I are dating.

It's ruining my life.

Today I threatened to

sexually assault a fake baby.

And I became mortal enemies

with Scott Mayhew.

Both of which

are Rachel's fault.

Sorry, but they just are.

Of course I'm a dick

for complaining about it.

I mean, I am a dick

for complaining about it.

I didn't actually mean

any of that.

Better play with them titties.

Does this taste strange to you?

The soup had drugs.

Whoa!

McCarthy must've

put weed in that soup

because my brain

is trying to eat itself.

Oh, my God.

I have to go visit

Rachel right now.

Okay, well, you do that.

I'ma be at your house

eatin' up all your dad's food.

No! You have to

come help!

Help with what?

Help!

Hey, in class,

do McCarthy act all, like,

stoned and sh*t?

Uh, I don't know.

I guess.

Yeah, sometimes.

Well, not sometimes,

but you know what I'm...

You know how he is.

Goddamn, son.

You can't even put a full damn

sentence together.

It's insane that Mr. McCarthy

eats soup with drugs in it.

Hey, come on, man,

keep your damn voice down.

We can't tell anyone

we're on drugs.

Why the hell not?

Because then they'll know.

It's my humble little mouse.

And who is

his little mouse friend?

Earl Jackson.

Earl's just my coworker,

and, uh, he's a great guy.

We were just walking around

the neighborhood, you know.

Not really doing anything,

and just wanted

to come say "What's up?"

'Cause Rachel's

about to lose her hair.

Mmm.

So, just wanted to say,

you know,

"Bye, hair. Good riddance."

She's gonna look great without

hair. That's a fact, so...

Yeah, I just wanted to say

what's up.

Rachel! We've got

two cute little mouse boys

on our doorstep

that wanna say hi!

Would you two... mice

like a little bit of cheese?

Okay.

I like your room, Rachel.

Thanks. Greg thinks

it's too girly.

No, I love girly,

I think it's fine.

Well,

it ain't too girly.

"Yo, this some

pink puffy bullshit."

I mean, Hello Kitty posters

and chocolate and naked dudes

all over the wall.

They make me want to

throw up for real.

Hey, if you're gonna throw up,

don't do it in here, okay?

This is her room.

Anyways.

Rachel, we really just wanted

to see how you was doin'.

Thanks.

Yeah, chemotherapy.

That really sucks.

Greg.

What the hell, bro?

Don't say it suck, dumb-ass!

It does kinda suck.

Yeah, but I mean, you gotta do

what you gotta do.

Yeah, I guess.

Um...

Uh...

Look, you guys can go

if you want.

We're on drugs.

Oh, sh*t!

Why are you on drugs?

Well, we're accidentally

on drugs.

"Accidentally"?

McCarthy gave us some soup.

Well, McCarthy gave us

some of his,

you know, just regular,

normal soup...

...but then, it was

the last of the soup

so we had to

go get some more...

...from a restaurant,

on the fifth floor

of an office building.

And in the same building,

there was a Jamaican embassy...

...and we ended up

getting trapped

in an elevator

with a Rastafarian guy...

...and he just hotboxed

the whole elevator, so...

We were stuck in there

for, like, 25 minutes...

...and we had to breathe

the weird marijuana air.

Earl, am I right?

That's exactly what happened.

You guys had

quite an adventure.

Being on drugs

just really sucks.

Being around people

on drugs sucks.

This whole situation, really

sorry, just sucks. I'm sorry.

Yo, yo. What the hell

is your problem, man?

All apologetic and sh*t,

making sh*t

'bout your sorry ass.

Look, that's not what we came

here to do. Okay?

You wanna help,

you gonna take this girl out

to get some ice cream.

And me, too,

'cause I love that sh*t.

You like ice cream?

Yeah.

So, you know

Greg from class?

I've known Greg

ever since we were little.

You know, I was in

y'all kindergarten, right?

Really?

Mmm-hmm. I remember you.

You was the girl who called

Justin Jones perverted...

...for showing girls

the birthmark on his butt.

Oh, my God, yes!

Yeah, dude came running up,

showed you his butt.

You were calm.

Said, "Justin, only perverts

show their butts."

I was right there.

I can't believe

you remember that.

You a hero. Shut his

perverted ass right down.

I never forget it.

So you and Greg are coworkers?

Naw, we friends.

He just hates calling people

his friend. Dude's got issues.

Yeah, he does.

What's going on?

Man, I don't even know.

It might be his folks.

I mean, dude's mom

always tellin' him

how handsome he is,

which he ain't.

So now he think he can't trust

anybody close to him.

Dude's weird-ass dad

don't socialize with anybody

'cept the cat.

So that's a role model

ain't got no friends.

Bottom line, dude's terrified

of callin' somebody

his friend...

...and they sayin', "Hey, bro,

I'm not your friend."

Then he'd have to kill himself.

But how are you coworkers?

We, um, we make films.

Movies?

Yeah. We been making them

for a few years now.

We have, like, 42 in total.

Greg! You never told me.

Well, we never told

anybody 'bout them.

They suck.

I mean, they're terrible.

I'm pretty sure they don't suck.

Well, you can see

for yourself if you want.

Are you sure?

Hell, yeah,

don't even worry about it.

Just don't tell nobody.

No, of course,

I won't.

All right, son,

get on your feet.

Sounds good.

Where are we going?

We can walk you home.

He needs to recover,

and you probably

should look after him.

Peace, peace.

Thanks.

Bye.

Goddamn it, Earl.

Son, don't even start.

Pig's foot.

So, we're pretty far

into this stupid story now...

...and you're probably

saying to yourself,

"Hey. I like this girl Rachel.

"And I'm gonna be pissed

if she dies at the end."

don't freak out. She survives.

So, hopefully,

that reassures you.

Although, actually,

why would it?

I'm just overwhelmed

with your enthusiasm today.

I guess we're just gonna have

to do it

the old-fashioned way.

I'm thinking of one of you.

I'm not gonna mention

any names,

but your initials...

...are Scott Mayhew.

Greg's been telling everyone

your soup has marijuana in it.

I didn't tell anyone.

I heard you bellowing about it

on public transit.

Is that a fact, Greg?

Look, yesterday,

Earl and I got stoned somehow.

And it was after

we both ate your soup.

And we didn't smoke

any marijuana,

which I have never done, so...

Your soup

must have drugs in it,

'cause that was the only thing

we both ate...

...other than some cookies

we got from Ill Phil,

the drug dealer.

Aha.

Man, how did you not know

it was the cookies?

Rate this script:3.0 / 1 vote