Mean Girls

This is your lunch, OK?

Now, I put a dollar in there

so you can buy some milk.

You can ask one of the big kids

where to do that.

You remember your phone number?

I wrote it down for you, just in case.

Put it in your pocket,

I don't want you to lose it.

OK? You ready?

I think so.

It's Cady's big day.

I guess it's natural for parents to cry

on their kid's first day of school.

But, you know, this usually

happens when the kid is 5.

I'm 16 and until today,

I was home-schooled.

I know what you're thinking.

"Home-schooled kids are freaks."

X-Y-L-O-C-A-R-P.

Xylocarp.

Or that we're weirdly religious

or something.

And on the third day, God created

the Remington bolt-action rifle

so that Man could fight the dinosaurs.

And the homosexuals.

- Amen.

- Amen.

But my family's totally normal.

Except for the fact that both my

parents are research zoologists

and we've spent the last

I had a great life.

But then my mom got offered tenure

at Northwestern University.

So it was goodbye Africa

and hello high school.

I'm OK. Sorry.

I'll be careful.

Hi.

I don't know if anyone

told you about me.

I'm a new student here.

My name is Cady Heron.

Talk to me again

and I'll kick your ass.

You don't wanna sit there. Kristen

Hadley's boyfriend is gonna sit there.

Hey, baby.

He farts a lot.

Hey, everybody.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry.

It's not you. I'm bad luck.

Ms. Norbury?

My T-shirt's stuck

to my sweater, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Fantastic.

Is everything all right in here?

- Oh, yeah.

- So...

...how was your summer?

- I got divorced.

My carpal tunnel came back.

- I win.

- Yes, you do.

Well, I just wanted to let

everyone know

that we have a new student joining us.

She just moved here

all the way from Africa.

Welcome.

- I'm from Michigan.

- Great.

Her name is Cady. Cady Heron.

- Where are you, Cady?

- That's me.

- It's pronounced like Katie.

- My apologies.

I have a nephew named Anfernee,

and I know how mad he gets

when I call him Anthony.

Almost as mad as I get

when I think about the fact

that my sister named him Anfernee.

Well, welcome, Cady.

- And thank you, Mr. Duvall.

- Well, thank you.

And...

...if you need anything or if you

wanna talk to somebody...

Thanks.

Maybe some other time,

when my shirt isn't see-through.

OK.

OK. Good day, everybody.

The first day of school was a blur.

A stressful, surreal blur.

I got in trouble for the

most random things.

- Where are you going?

- Oh, I have to go to the bathroom.

You need the lavatory pass.

OK. Can I have the lavatory pass?

Nice try. Have a seat.

I had never lived in a world

where adults didn't trust me,

where they were always yelling at me.

- Don't read ahead!

- No green pen!

No food in class!

I told you, I saw the whole thing.

- Everything.

- Did you see nipple?

- It only counts if you saw a nipple.

- That's true, dude.

I had a lot of friends in Africa.

What?

But so far, none in Evanston.

Hey. How was your first day?

Is that your natural hair color?

- Yeah.

- It's gorgeous.

Thank you.

See, this is the color I want.

This is Damian.

He's almost too gay to function.

- Nice to meet you.

- Nice wig, Janis.

- What's it made of?

- Your mom's chest hair!

- I'm Janis.

- Hi, I'm Cady.

Do you guys know

where Room G 14 is?

"Health, Tuesday/Thursday,

Room G 14."

I think that's in the back building.

- Yeah, that's in the back building.

- Yeah, we'll take you there.

Thanks.

Watch out, please!

New meat coming through!

"Health. Spanish."

You're taking 12th-grade calculus?

- Yeah, I like math.

- Why?

Because it's the same

in every country.

That's beautiful. This girl is deep.

Where's the back building?

It burned down in 1987.

Won't we get in some

sort of trouble for this?

Why would we get you into trouble?

We're your friends.

I know it's wrong to skip class,

but Janis said we were friends.

And I was in no position

to pass up friends.

I guess I'll never know what I missed

on that first day of health class.

Don't have sex. Because you

will get pregnant and die.

Don't have sex

in the missionary position,

don't have sex standing up.

Just don't do it, promise?

OK, everybody take some rubbers.

Why didn't they just keep

home-schooling you?

They wanted me to get socialized.

Oh, you'll get socialized, all right.

A little slice like you.

- What are you talking about?

- You're a regulation hottie.

- What?

- Own it.

How do you spell your

name again, Cady?

It's Cady. C-A-D-Y.

Yeah, I'm gonna call you Cady.

In the name of all that is holy, will you

look at Karen Smith's gym clothes?

Of course all The Plastics

are in the same gym class.

- Who are The Plastics?

- They're teen royalty.

If North Shore was Us Weekly,

they would always be on the cover.

That one there, that's Karen Smith.

She is one of the dumbest

girls you will ever meet.

Damian sat next to her

in English last year.

She asked me how to spell "orange".

And that little one?

That's Gretchen Wieners.

She's totally rich because

her dad invented Toaster Strudel.

Gretchen Wieners knows

everybody's business.

She knows everything

about everyone.

That's why her hair is so big.

It's full of secrets.

And evil takes a human

form in Regina George.

Don't be fooled, because she may seem

like your typical selfish, back-stabbing,

slut-faced ho-bag. But in reality,

she is so much more than that.

She's the queen bee.

The star. Those other two

are just her little workers.

Regina George.

How do I even begin

to explain Regina George?

Regina George is flawless.

She has two Fendi purses

and a silver Lexus.

I hear her hair's insured

for $10,000.

I hear she does car commercials.

In Japan.

Her favorite movie is Varsity blues.

One time, she met John Stamos

on a plane.

And he told her she was pretty.

One time,

she punched me in the face.

It was awesome.

She always looks fierce.

She always wins Spring Fling Queen.

- Who cares?

- I care.

Every year, the seniors throw

this dance for the underclassmen

called The Spring Fling.

And whomsoever is elected

Spring Fling King and Queen

automatically becomes head of the

Student Activities Committee.

And since I am an active member

of the Student Activities Committee,

I would say, yeah, I care.

Damian, you've truly

out-gayed yourself.

Here. This map is gonna

be your guide to North Shore.

Now, where you sit in

the cafeteria is crucial

because you got everybody there.

You got your freshmen,

ROTC guys,

preps, JV jocks,

Asian nerds,

cool Asians,

varsity jocks,

unfriendly black hotties,

girls who eat their feelings,

girls who don't eat anything,

desperate wannabes,

burnouts,

sexually active band geeks,

the greatest people

you will ever meet

and the worst.

Beware of The Plastics.

Hey. We're doing a lunchtime

survey of new students.

Can you answer a few questions?

- OK.

- Is your muffin buttered?

What?

Would you like us to assign

someone to butter your muffin?

- My what?

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