Meatballs

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Attention, Camp North Star,

senior staff, counselors,

and counselors in training,

please rise for our national anthem.

How about that anthem, huh?

Gee, I don't know about you,

but I just get a great big

lump in my throat every time I hear it.

Well, it's 7:
05 in the a.m.,

and it's, wow, 43 degrees

on the old Camp North Star

weather dial,

and, well, that is kind of nippy

for a June 25, isn't it?

I'm Tripper Harrison...

I'm your head counselor,

and this is my wake-up show.

I'll be coming at you every morning

about this time,

hoping to make

your summer camp experience

the best available in this price range.

'Course, across the lake,

over at Camp Mohawk,

they won't be getting up

for another hour or so,

and when they do,

they'll be awakened by servants

bearing croissants and caf au lait.

Hope I didn't hit anybody.

But over here,

at Camp North Star this morning,

we're gonna be having

a delicious gruel breakfast,

and don't forget to ask for seconds,

because it's all the gruel you can eat.

Okay, everybody.

Can I have your attention, please?

Okay, everybody, I'm waiting.

People, settle down.

Okay. That's better.

Look it, there's a lot of new people

out there this year,

so before we go any further,

I wanna introduce myself.

My name's Morty Melnick.

- Hi, Mickey.

- Hi, Mickey.

My name's Morty, not Mickey.

Now, the buses are leaving

tomorrow morning at 6:30

to pick up the kids,

and it's very important

you get your bus assignments

to know which group of

kids you're in charge of.

Don't argue with me, Bradley.

Now, you can get rabies

from a raccoon, too.

- Tell him, Morrie.

- That's right, Bradley.

And don't forget to put paper

on the toilet seat cover,

'cause you could get

a terrible infection...

Oh, you know what I meant to ask you,

did you bring smokes?

Oh, no, I couldn't. I forgot.

My mom found the carton

in my suitcase, she had a sh*t-fit.

- Well, why don't we go get some?

- Yeah, okay.

Mommy? Mommy?

Where's my mommy?

Tripper, I'm looking forward

to some action this summer,

I hope you and your gentlemen

can supply it for me.

Well, I could supply you, but the guy

you gotta watch out for is Spaz.

- Spaz?

- He's a sex machine.

Are you kidding me?

He couldn't wake me up

with a trumpet and a drum.

Well, I went out with him one night,

and he got us six nurses by himself,

and four of them

couldn't report to work the next morning.

You gonna be okay?

Hey, I'll see you

at the end of the summer, okay?

Okay.

This bus does not have

a safety inspection sticker.

It's a fine old bus.

No, it's not. It is a piece of junk.

I need to tell my father,

and he's gonna report you

to the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Roxanne!

And you're going to jail. You know?

Jail? Behind bars?

Yeah, just like last year, we'll hate it.

Yeah. Camp is lousy, and you're a dork.

Yeah, yeah, you're right,

you sure are one.

- Hiya.

- Come on.

- Hi.

- What do you want?

- What, are you having trouble?

- I can't get these kids on the bus.

- Okay. Let me talk to them.

- That's because I'm not going.

Come here, guys,

I wanna have a word with you, all right?

No.

- Okay, now you guys, look, you...

- What?

- You better get on the bus, or...

- Why?

Well, because if you don't,

I'm gonna beat the pants off of you.

Not bad, huh?

- Hey, watch it, that stuff's expensive.

- Very good, sir.

Hey, Spaz, bud. How you doing, buddy?

Hey, Spaz, good to see you.

Oh, hey, give that back.

Come on, Spaz.

No, we're doing you a favor.

- Give it back!

- You wanna make us, Spaz?

- Yeah.

- Horse, give him back the milkshake.

All right, all right. Here you go.

Hey, we'll see you

at the basketball game, Spaz.

Mohawk jerks.

These children are going to the

most glamorous of all summer camps,

Camp Mohawk.

There's a two-year waiting list,

and every child has to be voted in.

On top of all that, it costs $1,000 a week

to go to Camp Mohawk.

The question is,

is it worth $1,000 a week?

It sure is.

It's the best darn camp there is.

Well, are you connected

with Camp Mohawk?

Well, I think so, I'm the

program director, Jerry Aldini.

Well, how do you justify $1,000 a week?

Well, we have some

special programs.

We're doing Shakespeare in the Round

again this year, of course.

Our political round table.

Henry Kissinger will appear.

Yasser Arafat is gonna come out,

spend a weekend with the kids,

just rap with them.

That's amazing.

And the kids wanted animals,

so this year, each camper

will stalk and kill his own bear

in our private wildlife preserve.

Are you sure the children can hack that?

We'll see.

But the real excitement, of course,

is gonna come

at the end of the summer,

during Sexual Awareness Week.

We import 200 hookers

from around the world,

and each camper, armed with only

a Thermos of coffee and $2,000 cash,

tries to visit as many countries

as he can, and the winner, of course,

is named

King of Sexual Awareness Week,

and is allowed to rape and pillage the

neighboring towns until camp ends.

That's incredible.

What do you expect for $1,000 a week?

Hey, you have

a good summer, too, huh?

Hey. You must be the short,

depressed kid that we ordered.

Glad you made it.

Want half this?

Come on inside, Frankenstein,

I'll buy you a cocktail.

Okay, all the 12-year-old

girls here finally?

Gonna be a terrific year.

Got a real good bunch this year.

This ground is too slippery. I could fall

and get whiplash or a broken neck.

You know, those are serious injuries.

A guy could die...

- Phil? He's all yours.

- Thanks, Tripper. You Rudy Gerner?

Hi, I'm Phil. You're in my cabin, okay?

- Gotta get this...

- Hi, Morty.

- Hi, Trip. You got the rules?

- No, I'm looking for a copy.

Okay, here you go.

Very important, all your CITs

have gotta know those inside out,

backwards, forward, whatever you want.

Post them up, make sure

they know them. Very important.

Hey, Larry.

- Larry!

- What?

I think that chick over there

is staring at me.

- Which chick? Where?

- Over there.

Hey, she is staring at you.

You better go over and talk to her.

She probably wants it.

- What's cooking, good looking?

- Your fly's undone.

Renzetti, come here.

Hey, Fink, come on. Off your knees.

Hey, Spaz, I was watching you.

Looked like you had a chance there

for a second.

Thanks, Trip.

- My man, my main man.

- Hey, Tripper.

- Hey, boy.

- Eyes right, gentlemen.

- Hey.

- Hey, are these free?

- Hi, everybody.

- Hi. Hi, Mary.

- Fine. Just right, left, right, left.

- Jeez, that's right.

All right, these are the camp rules.

Morty would like you all

to take a look at these.

They'll be in here, if you

wanna check these out a little bit later.

And now, gentlemen, and you are,

I'm gonna take you over to your

cabin assignments for the first week.

Let's go.

All right, this is the six-year-old cabin.

All they know how to do is eat

and wet their beds.

You have to teach them everything else.

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