Melvin and Howard

[Chirruping]

[Engine drones in distance]

Ya-haa!

[Laughs]

[Laughs]

[Groans]

[Car radio.

# Crazy Horse. Gone Dead Train]

# My engine was pumping steam

# And I was grinding at you

hard and fast

# And I was burnin'down the rails

To heat the way...

[static as radio switches stations]

[# Bob Wills. San Antonio Rose]

[Static]

...16 miles an hour, decreasing tonight,

becoming easterly tomorrow...

[# Phil Ochs. My Kingdom for a Car]

#... look how far

# A car

A car

# My kingdom for a car...

[man]

...with Kraft's macaroni and cheese...

[# Eddy Arnold. Tennessee Stud]

#... a horse like

the Tennessee Stud...

[man] Oh, man!

[Radio switched off]

[Man] # Santa called his elves together

to soup up his old sleigh

# So Rudolph and the other reindeer

could rest on Christmas Day

# He's got a million miles to travel

and he'll do it in one day

# Oh, that's because ol' Santa Claus

has a souped-up Santa sleigh #

[hums song melody]

[Hums, urinates]

[Nearby moaning]

[Mumbling]

[Incoherent sounds]

Hey.

What's the matter with you?

Hey.

What are you doing out here?

Come on, get up.

What happened?

Get up.

[Groans]

Come on, old man.

[Coyote howls in the distance]

[Old man shudders]

- I'm gonna get you some help.

- No, no doctor.

Yeah, there's a town

about three miles up the road.

- No, no.

- I'll get that heater to work.

- No, no, it's OK.

- It ain't OK! It ain't OK!

Here.

Oh, come on, man! You'll be all right.

[Coughs]

Well, we ain't gonna

get into town none too soon.

No doctors.

They ain't got no doctor in Arden,

just a public health nurse.

No nurses.

- Don't like nurses either?

- No, I don't.

All right, all right.

I'm not going to Arden!

OK, take it easy.

- Where are you going?

- I'm going to Vegas.

You are, huh?

You know, if you don't beat all.

Strange old, weird old wino,

layin' out in the middle of the desert,

everybody drivin' by,

nobody seein' you.

I pick you up, put you in my truck,

take you where it's safe.

And what do you do? Give me

a hard time. Rag me, bug me.

No, no stops, please.

[Old man coughs]

[Radio plays country music, dog barks]

- [Young man] Going home to Gabbs.

- [Old man] What do you do in Gabbs?

[Young man] I work in a plant,

a magnesium plant, you know.

I've had a lot ofjobs but...

...I can't seem to get the right one,

you know.

When I was a milkman,

I used to go around,

and see these wives at home,

the husbands working night shift,

I thought, "Maybe I should do that."

I went around, applied for a job

at places like McDonnell Douglas,

Northropp, Hughes...

- What happened there?

- They didn't want me.

What a shame.

How come you keep saying that,

"What a shame?"

Well, I might have done something.

Like what?

I'm Howard Hughes.

[Thunderclap]

Well...

Well, listen.

I believe anybody can

call themselves whatever they want.

[Young man] Got stuff

from my sister for my trailer.

- What did you say your name was?

- Dummar. Melvin, first name.

You're kiddin' me, Melvin.

- Listen, buddy.

- Yeah.

- Wanna do me a favour?

- Depends on what it is.

- You see, I wrote this song and...

- No.

A Christmas song. You'll like it.

Santa's Souped-Up Sleigh.

Oh, God.

I wrote the words and sent them

into the Hollywood Music Company.

They make up the music.

Cost 70 bucks, but it's worth it.

- Here's how it goes. Wanna hear it?

- No, I don't.

# Santa called his elves together

to soup up his old sleigh

# So Rudolph and the other reindeer

could rest on Christmas Day

# He's got a million miles to travel

and he'll do it in one day

# And that's why Santa Claus

has a souped-up Santa sleigh #

- Enough, sir.

- You haven't heard the good part yet.

It's dramatic narration,

like Red Sovine.

"Hey up there, fat man!

What are you doing on my roof?"

"I don't care if you are Santa..."

- Please, stop.

- What's the matter?

My ear.

I told you we should

have stopped back there.

- It's the sound.

- What do you mean?

Your song.

Boy, you can be cruel.

Anybody ever tell you that?

You can be real cruel.

I have an aversion to songs.

That's what makes you an old a**hole.

Sing along with me, this is the chorus.

# Got a rocket burnin'mighty quick

Turnin'souped-up Santa's Sleigh

# Comes in like a streak of light

and goes out the same way #

- You got it?

- I don't know.

Listen, man, you sing this or you walk.

OK?

"Got a rocket burnin' mighty quick,

Turnin' souped-up Santa's sleigh."

[They sing in unison]

You got it! OK, one more time.

[Both sing]

"Hey, now, fat man!

I told you to get off my roof."

"The chimney's too small,

you're gonna fall!"

"Come on down off that roof!"

This is the last verse.

"When you hear that rocket roar

You know Santa's on his way."

OK? Ready?

[Both sing]

"But he'll be back again next year

in his souped-up Santa sleigh."

Hey! That's great, man!

You know what?

- What?

- You sounded good.

- Oh, come on.

- You did.

- Didn't anybody tell you you can sing?

- No.

- Come on, let's hear one of yours.

- I don't know any songs.

Oh, come on. You must know one.

How about...

Do anything, do...

Love Me Tender, Don't Be Cruel,

My Woman, My Woman, My Wife...

I don't know any songs.

My father was the singer in the family.

I played the saxophone.

When The Sunset

Turns The Ocean Blue To Gold.

Bill Bailey.

He'd say, "Sonny, you do the verse

and I'll take the chorus."

And off he'd go.

Well, I mean, do you know any song?

- Bye Bye Blackbird.

- There you go. There you go.

Oh, sorry.

- Lay it on me, old timer.

- Don't be crazy.

Ladies and gentlemen,

it's been a great show!

And now we have a special attraction.

An old, old timer with a new, new song.

He's been playin' all his life

so let's hear it for the old, old timer

and Bye Bye Blackbirdl Take it!

Come on. Sing it.

[Clears throat]

[Hums faintly]

That's real nice.

But I don't think I heard any words.

Got any words?

# Pack up all my cares and woe

# Here I go, singin'low

# Bye bye blackbird

# Where somebody waits for me

# Sugar sweet, so is she

[both] #Bye bye blackbird

# No-one here can love

# Or understand me

# Oh, what hard luck stories

# They all hand me

# So...

# Make my bed

# And light the light

# I'll be home late tonight

# Blackbird

[Melvin] # Blackbird

[both] # Blackbird bye bye

[thunder rumbles]

Greasewood.

Sage.

Nothing like the smell

of the desert after the rain.

Greasewood and sage.

[Melvin]

Let you off at the Salvation Army?

- [Howard] No. Let me off over there.

- [Melvin] OK.

[Howard] Stop.

- Here?

- This is the place.

What have you got,

a friend who works in the kitchen?

Aah... How do you get out of this thing?

Oh, you just...

Well, I had a good time, buddy.

Oh, sorry.

You'd better take care of that arm.

Yeah.

You got any money?

Oh, boy...

Well...

You're somethin' else.

Well, that's it. That's all I got.

- Take care of yourself, will you?

- Thank you, Melvin.

[Hums softly]

[Coins clink on the concrete]

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