Men in Black 3

[DOOR BUZZES]

[DOOR LOCKS]

[SLOSHING]

[BEEPING]

Well, well,

Boris the Animal has a visitor.

I guess one every 40 years is okay.

[SCANNER WHIRRING]

It's a cake.

I decide what it is.

Looks like some kind of cake.

She's clean.

Well, not clean, but you know...

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, God.

Boris the Animal...

you've got a visitor.

BORIS:

It's just Boris.

Your letters have been

a soul-nourishing

tonic.

And you are much more

unconventionally handsome

than your photos.

[BOTH MOANING]

GUARD:

This ain't a conjugal visit.

So quit your conjugating.

When's the last time

you conjugated anything?

I see you've brought me a treat,

darling.

Would you mind cutting this up

for us? It's a special day.

I'm a romantic like that.

Oh, I wouldn't do that.

Why's that?

It'll ruin your figure.

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLS]

[CHITTERING]

[CHIRPING]

You complete me.

[ALARM WAILING]

[SNARLS]

The big one.

MAN:
Boris! You promised

to take me with you!

We had a deal!

Obadiah Price.

Yes. I did make you

a promise.

[CHIRPS]

[OBADIAH GRUNTS AND YELLS]

BORIS:

Wait. I smell something.

GUARD:
You can't win, Boris.

BORIS:
Mm.

Let's agree to disagree.

There's too many of us.

Rather hot in here.

Mind if I open a window?

[ALL YELL]

[GASPS]

Sorry, darling.

We did love the cake.

[YELLS]

Let's rewrite history, shall we, K?

[ROARS]

Good afternoon.

Please give your attention

to my associate, Agent J.

He's going to demonstrate

an electro-biomechanical,

neural-transmitting,

zero-synapse repositioner.

We call it the neuralyzer.

- Keep it simple, slick.

- Thanks a lot.

Thank you, Agent K.

Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

if you will look right here.

You know how you're on a plane and

you're asked to turn your phone off?

You're like, "I ain't turning it off.

Has nothing to do with a plane."

Well, this is what we get.

That's what happens.

It gets up there, bounces around

on the satellites and blam!

Just turn your damn phone off.

Now you're gonna drive off a cliff

tonight because your GPS don't work.

Check the composition of the

fuel units and surface deposits.

I wanna know who was driving.

Yes, sir.

- What are you gonna say tonight?

- Ah, don't worry.

No, I'm very worried.

This is important.

- I'm hungry. You hungry?

- K.

J:
Seriously, I'm not

even sure that's meat.

I think I just saw a tooth in

that thing, or a claw, or a hoof.

Thanks, Manny.

That does not belong in a pita,

it belongs in a casket.

What would go good with this

would be silence.

See, here's the problem.

You can't smell it

because your nose already

smells like that, but my nose doesn't.

Silence goes good with a lot of things.

Ever try or is talking how you breathe?

Just say you hate me.

Don't take it out on the car.

Let me enjoy this.

Whoa, enjoyment. Ha, ha.

So that's what enjoyment looks like

on that face. I like that emotion.

I keep emotion out of it.

Out of what, K? Life?

You don't wanna run it by me?

- Let me know what you'll say?

- Don't worry.

Oh, no, I'm worried.

Very worried.

It's the man's eulogy.

You have to show some feeling.

That thing people do when they

change their facial expression?

I worked with Zed for 40 years.

A hell of an agent.

And I have written

a hell of a speech for him.

People will be moved.

Mm-hm.

[ALIEN CLEARING THROAT]

ALIENS:

# Amazing grace #

[ALIENS SINGING

IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

# Was blind but now #

# I see # #

MAN:

And now a few words from Agent K.

I worked with Zed for over 40 years,

and in all that time

he never invited me to dinner.

He never asked me to his house

to watch a game.

He never shared a single detail

of his personal life.

Yeah, he was weird.

Thank you.

MAN:
And now we will hear

from our new chief, Agent O.

O:
Thank you, Agent K.

That was very moving.

- That was your eulogy?

- He was a good man.

O:
Ladies, gentlemen, other life forms.

When I told the Finucian Zyglot

about Zed's passing,

she said something

that I'm going to repeat.

And I'm paraphrasing.

Ahem.

[SPEAKING IN ALIEN LANGUAGE]

[SIGHS]

That's just so Zed.

Thank you.

[ROY ROGERS' "I'M AN OLD

COWHAND" PLAYING ON RADIO]

# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay #

# Yippee-yi-yo-ki-yay

I'm an old cowhand # #

You lose something over here,

Hondo?

Can you promise, if I go first, you'll

do better than that at my funeral?

You know, something like, uh:

[IMITATING K]

"J was a friend.

Now there's a big part of me

that's gone.

Oh, J, all the things

that I should have said,

except I was too old

and craggy and surly

and just tight. I was too

tight.

I'm gonna just miss

your caramel-brown skin."

I'll wing something.

O [OVER RADIO]:
K, it's O. We have reports

of several humans suffering from

intestinal worms of alien origin.

Thank you, O.

[IN NORMAL VOICE]

How did you get to be like you?

Something happened, K.

What happened?

You know how I live

such a happy life?

How you live such a happy life?

I don't ask questions

I don't want to know the answer to.

Mm-mm. That's deep.

MAN:

# And that's what happens #

# When you live with your mother #

# Try to take her home

And Mom goes "Mm-mm" # #

[HUMMING AND SCATTING TO ROCK

MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Jeffrey.

[MUSIC STOPS]

Do I know you?

Your services are legendary,

so says your father, Obadiah.

You were in Lunar-Max.

[IN DEEP RASPY VOICE]

There is no prison that can hold me.

Uh... Cool for you.

What do you need from me, man?

The device.

[IN NORMAL VOICE] I'm going back in time

to kill a man before he takes my arm.

MAN [IN CHINESE ACCENT]:

Oh, K, J!

So happy to see you. Uh, Mr.

Wu get you your regular table?

You no hungry?

Show us the tanks, Wu.

Oh, sure, sure. You look.

Very fresh.

Show us the tanks in the back.

Ha, ha. So sorry. No speak English.

You come back later, okay?

Save the chop-socky bullshit

for the tourists, Wu.

[SIGHS]

[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hey, what you

guys wanna bust my balls for, huh?

You don't have no balls.

Ooh.

Man, you look like

you come from the planet

Damn.

And Bob here is a clear violation

of Health Ordinance 32:

Selling unlicensed extraterrestrial...

[SQUEALS]

foodstuffs.

That is an Earth fish.

Very traditional in China.

You arrest me,

that's a hate crime!

It would be

if you were Chinese.

K, come on.

I got larvae to feed.

Who is the Spiky Bulba for?

Nobody.

K:

Who's it for?

I keep them in case!

- In case what?

- I don't know!

Anybody!

K:

All right, you slug.

[ALIEN SQUEALS]

Whoa, whoa. Uh...

Wu,

uh, he and I are having issues right

now, but you shouldn't suffer for that.

Thank you, J.

So if you don't like getting

fish-slapped, keep to our agreement.

Earth people get Earth fish.

Real Earth fish.

On behalf of my pathetic self

and worthless children, you stay.

Allow me most honorable benefit

of serving you favorite noodles, K?

Don't nobody want

your nasty-ass noodles.

You're a piece of sh*t, Wu.

Shrimp and bok choy.

We're gonna be here

for a while.

J:

That was just mean.

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