Mental

(Birds tweeting)

(Birds tweeting)

SOUND OF MUSIC:
Overture.

(Tools hammering, lawnmower whirring)

(Music swells)

The hills are alive.

With the sound of music.

With songs they have sung.

For a thousand years.

The hills fill my heart.

With the sound of music.

My heart wants to sing

every song it hears.

My heart wants to beat

like the wings of the birds that rise.

From the lake to the trees...

Oh, no.

My heart wants to sigh...

But I was winni...

Like a chime that ies.

On a church on a breeze.

To laugh like a brook...

GIRL:
Oh, no.

When it trips and falls

over stones on its way.

To sing through the night.

Like a lark who is learning to pray.

I go to the hills.

When my heart is lonely...

(Gasps)

Oh, my God! Mum's in the backyard!

BOTH:
We know!

- Coral!

'Do you often feel

that life is not worth living?'.

Yes.

At 13, I attempted suicide

and jumped off the verandah

(squeals)

And just then Dad drove up.

He was knocked unconscious

for five minutes.

(Thinks) And this event is known as...

..The Disgrace.

And I'll sing.

Once more.

'Get your test results.'.

GIRL:
Coral!

- I'm bipolar?!

(Banging at door)

Coral, Mum's gone off again.

- What? Gone off where?

- Off her head!

How do you solve a problem

like Maria?

The embarrassment is total!

You're the oldest, Coral! Do something!

I can't do anything. I'm mad too.

I'm bipolar. Maybe even schizophrenic.

Quick, Google 'schizophrenic'.

I have mood swings,

high-to-moderate depression

and I think people

are plotting against me!

Look, the only thing wrong

with you, Coral,

is you can't stand

if someone's more mental than you.

Girls, we are having dinner

at the table

as if we were a normal family.

Well, Mum's way more mental than you!

- We're more mental than you.

- I'm a socio-path, Leanne's autistic.

Other people eat dinner together,

so why not us?

- We looked it up.

- And they talk to each other.

They tell each other about their days...

- Even Michelle's more mental than you.

- She hears voices.

She told us! In her head!

LEANNE:
And she thinks

she's being followed.

By aliens!

(Both laugh)

Top that, Coral.

When your father gets home,

Jane... can say grace.

Dad's not coming.

He hasn't had dinner with us

since The Disgrace.

JANE:
Coral!

Dad hates us, Mum.

That's because we're not a real family.

But when we start acting like one...

telling each other about our days

and singing and dancing...

then he will want to be with us.

Singing and dancing? Who does that?

(Leanne laughs)

The Von Trapps.

Oh, no.

..Weiss

Bless my homeland forever...

I always wanted to be a Von Trapp -

sing Edelweiss,

wear little matching outfits.

Edelweiss...

Be a credit to Austria.

- Edelweiss.

- Edelweiss...

Somehow I got things wrong.

I... ruined... everything.

Small and white...

I've let you girls run wild.

Everyone says.

We're an embarrassment to your father.

Don't you see the way

people stare at us?

They're... they're staring at you, Mum.

Well, soon, they'll be staring in envy.

At our togetherness.

At our normality.

FAINT BREATHY VOICE: Michelle.

Michelle.

Michelle.

(Michelle pants heavily)

High on the hill was a lonely goatherd.

Lay-ee odle-lay-ee

odle-lay-hee-hoo...

Loud was the voice

(Car engine starts)

Of the lonely goatherd

Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-loo.

High on the hill was

a lonely goatherd

Lay-ee odle-lay-ee odle-lay-hee-hoo

Loud was the voice...

Oh. Oh. Oh!

Oh! Oh, dear. Ohh.

Oh! Argh!

(Crash!)

Oh... Oh.

Hi, Nancy.

Oh. Oh, dear.

Oh. Oh, no!

Oh, not again.

(Strains, laughs nervously)

'Course I... I said to myself,

'Don't run over the bins, Shirley.

Whatever you do,

don't run over those bins.'.

And, of course, what do I do?

I run over the bins.

At least I didn't run over your bins,

Nancy.

People in this neighbourhood

spend a lot of time and effort

in keeping their homes presentable.

I scrub my drive with a toothbrush.

But what's the point...

What is the point?

..When all I can think about is garbage

because of you and your bins?

You're a disgrace.

An absolute disgrace.

Nancy... sorry.

(Shrieks)

CORAL:
'While most schizophrenics

hear voices...'

I don't hear voices.

'..Some may briey stabilise

at a pre-psychotic level,

presenting without delusions

and hallucinations.'

I'm pre-psychotic.

(squeals)

(Laughs)

Hey, Trout. (Giggles) I'm pre-psychotic.

- You're a f***in' freak.

- (Chuckles gawkily)

You're in charge of the shark show.

OK. Great. Cool.

What? What shark show?

The new one in the basement.

Trevor Blundell's Jaws Of Terror.

Woo!

(Phone rings)

Um, Trevor Blundell's Terrible Jaws.

MAN:
That's 'Trevor Blundell's

Jaws Of Terror'.

Who cares?

This is Trevor Blundell.

Oh, sorry, Mr Blundell.

It's Coral Moochmore here.

Your new assistant.

Are you gonna fire me?

I wouldn't mind. I hate sharks.

You should hate sharks, Coral.

They're vicious, murdering thugs.

Did that big one

really eat a prime minister

or did you just make that up?

Grab a torch

and go to the great white, Coral.

I was only eight years old

when it attacked me boat.

It was me or him.

Go to the jaws.

It takes a great white three days

to digest a meal, Coral.

I killed him on 24th June 1968.

Harold Holt disappeared 23rd June.

What's that mean?

It means any prime minister

it ate for breakfast

was still in its

stomach when it died.

Now shine the light down its gullet.

I don't want to.

But you don't believe

there's anything there.

Do it, Coral. Look inside.

No.

Is that fear I hear in your voice?

Yeah.

Then tell me you believe

this is the shark that ate Harold Holt.

This is the shark that ate Harold Holt.

Good.

Now, you tell everyone else who comes in

the same thing.

Make 'em believe it too.

(Hangs up)

(Screams)

(Pants heavily)

It's a... it's a mask. It's a mask.

Ooh, ooh

Shoobie-doobie-doo.

Shoo-doobie-doo.

Hey, girls, are you livin'...

G'day, Mrs Moochmore. How are ya?

Oh, I'm fine, thank you. How are you?

Bet you want a big jam and cream

doughnut this mornin', don't ya?

SHIRLEY:
Oh. Well, no.

Of course ya do.

And an iced coffee to go with it.

WAITRESS:
An iced coffee.

- Just an iced coffee.

- No doughnut?

- No, not this morning.

Kay, Mrs Moochmore reckons she

doesn't want a jam and cream doughnut.

What are you talkin' about?

You always have

a jam and cream doughnut, Mrs Moo.

- She's pullin' your leg, Manda.

- No, I'm not.

KAY:
Oh, we'll give you two.

She's dying for one.

No, really. I...

$5.50, Mrs Moochmore.

But I... I don't want it.

What are you talking about?

Gone to all this trouble.

MANDA:
Enjoying that, Mrs Moochmore?

Oh, yes, thank you.

You want another one?

Oh... no, thank you.

- Moo.

- (Kay giggles)

- What?

WOMAN:
Shirley.

- Mm? Oh!

- What are you doing?

You promised me no more fattening foods

Don't you care about your health?

(Kay and Manda laugh)

I do. I do.

Well, if you don't care,

how do you expect me to care?

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