Mental Page #2

Oh, I do care. And I care that you care.

I brought the girls.

They've just been glazed.

Oh.

(sighs)

Elizabeth the 1st.

For the competition.

I'm doing Elizabeth the 1st.

Now, feel Miriam's hair.

Go on.

Nylon.

Now feel Yvette's.

Feel the difference?

Human.

I want to do Elizabeth the 1st

with human hair.

Red human hair.

Do you think, um, Jane would like

to visit me this afternoon?

Jane? Oh, I'm sure she would.

I'll pick her up after school, then.

You know, I think I will have cream.

I don't think Barry loves me any more.

What? Well, did Barry say that?

Well, then, how do you know?

He never looks at me.

He never says anything to me.

He hasn't come home for two weeks.

Barry's got a lot on his mind

these days,

what with the election coming up.

I don't blame him

for not loving me any more.

- I know I've let myself go.

- Oh, no, stop that.

- I let the girls run wild.

- Well, I've always said that.

(Tearfully) I remind people of garbage.

- Who does?

- I do!

My bins do. (Sobs)

(Sobs)

Well, use that perfume I gave you

for Christmas - that L'Air du Temps.

- (Sobs)

- No, enough of that.

Uh... have another doughnut.

You said I shouldn't eat

any more doughnuts.

Well, if it cheers you up,

you can have a dozen doughnuts.

She'll have another doughnut.

MANDA:
Jam and cream?

Uh, yes, why not?

My treat.

(Sobs inconsolably)

- Can't this wait till later?

- No!

(Continues sobbing)

No. Well... I'm sure everything's fine.

It's not fine!

I feel like I don't exist!

- Of course you exist. Everyone exists.

- I don't!

I sit here

and I eat doughnuts I don't want!

Now get a grip on yourself!

Stop this spectacle. Hmm?

Why don't you go shopping?

That always cheers me up.

You just go shopping and you keep

shopping until you cheer up.

(Wails)

Michelle.

Give us the mechanical man.

I don't have the mechanical man!

Give us the mechanical man.

(Whimpers) Argh!

Michelle, do you want a couch? A couch.

It's a lovely white couch.

Oh, she doesn't want it.

Why didn't you tell me

your father had won Wheel Of Fortune?

Darling, don't lie in here

with the lights off. It's not normal.

(Phone rings)

Dolphin Heads Council, Mayor

Moochmore's office. Tisha speakin'.

Kylie, I've already warned youse twice.

One more time...

(Door opens, people gasp)

Barry! I mean... Mayor Moochmore.

There's an emergency. At home.

SHIRLEY:
It's an Excelsior! Oh!

It's the vacuum cleaner I've always w...

And it's purple! Oh!

Oh, my goodness!

Another washing machine!

Oh! Put it right there with the others.

Thank you.

- Mum...

- Yes.

- I'm scared.

- Oh, don't be silly, darling.

Does anyone on TV look scared when

their fathers win the Wheel Of Fortune?

Of course not. They're happy

someone invented game shows.

(Gasps) And when your dad gets home,

we are gonna celebrate with dinner...

..on our new table!

Oh! Look! There's Nancy Boyle!

Nancy, hello! Hello!

Look at all the furniture!

It's alright.

You don't have to be afraid of it.

It's not rubbish. It's all new.

Fabulously new from my husband.

He calls you 'Noxious Nance'

behind your back, he does.

He says you're a nasty, gossiping b*tch.

But I think that's unfair, because

you've done a lot for this community...

or at least act like you have -

so I want you to have this lamp.

Is you oldest daughter really a lesbian

or is that just malicious gossip?

(Gasps) Oh! He's here! We've done it!

He's home! Your father's home!

Quickly, start singing!

High on the hill

lived a lonely goatherd.

Lay-dee odle-lay-dee odle-lay-hee-hoo.

Loud was the voice

of the lonely goatherd...

Mum, stop.

Lay-dee odle-lay-dee odle-loo...

(Shirley continues singing)

Auntie Doris stole my hair!

Odle-lay-dee odle-lay-dee

odle-lay.

(Crash!)

Oh!

(Horn blares)

What the f*** is going on?!

(Clock chimes 'cuckoo')

(Grunts)

(Wooden clanking)

Jane! Get away from that!

It's goin' back to the shops.

I'm Kayleen.

CORAL:
Make sure you leave the kettle on

the whole time...

Bastard.

(Huffs)

Sit at the table, Dad.

We're getting you breakfast.

JANE:
Fresh and premium cold beer, Dad.

Excuse me.

Your mum is on holiday in Wollongong,

and she's having a wonderful time.

If anybody asks, that's the story.

You got it?

(Clears throat)

(Leanne clears throat)

Dad, we were thinking,

while Mum's away,

maybe we should be seeing somebody.

You know, like a psychiatrist.

- What?

- Someone to talk to about our problems.

- What?

- So we don't end up in Wollongong.

- What?

- Dad, I'm autistic.

Dad, I'm a socio-path.

I don't feel anything.

- I'm pre-psychotic.

- Michelle hears voices.

- What?

- Tell Dad you hear voices.

I hear voices.

(All talk at once)

Auntie Doris stole my hair!

Enough!

There are no psychiatrists in Dolphin

Heads anywhere but the loony bin.

And the only person in this family

going to the loony bin is your mother!

This wouldn't be happening to me

if I had a family of boys.

Boys have breakdowns, Dad.

Not Australian boys -

they're too busy playing football.

Now, I've got an election to run,

and I don't care if you five lumps

eat me out of house and home

and spend every cent I make...

no-one is going mental.

Not before I do.

I'm goin' mental!

I live in a barn, Jack.

There's pizza boxes piled everywhere

'cause none of 'em can cook.

They can't do the dishes,

they don't make the beds.

- It's a nightmare!

- Get Shirley back from her holiday.

- She can't come back.

- Why not? It's been over a week.

Barry, you gotta level with me.

Has she left ya?

'Cause if she has, get her back.

Mate, we go to the polls in eight weeks.

She's on all of the leaets

with you and the girls.

She hasn't left me.

She's in Wollongong, and she likes it.

I wish I was there me self.

Nah.

Nah.

Turn around and have another look.

Looks normal. Got a dog.

Nah. I can't.

Hitch-hiker... Nah.

(Phone rings)

Barry Moochmore.

KAYLEEN:
(Sobs) Dad, I know you

don't believe anything I say,

but I'm a socio-path.

- I don't have any feelings.

- Which one is this?

It's Kayleen!

Why don't you ever remember my name?!

Look, don't worry about it.

I'm gonna fix everything.

EASY-LISTENING MUSIC

(Horn beeps)

The embarrassment is total.

I have to get some hats.

People are gawking at me.

GIRL, ON PHONE:

What does your dad think?

Dad thinks 12-year-olds

don't know anything, but they do.

(Low growling)

- (Growls)

GIRL, ON PHONE:
Jane?

WOMAN:
Don't make any sudden moves.

(Dog barks)

Ripper! Come 'ere!

I didn't train him to kill.

He does it out of love.

'Course he only kills for me.

If someone attacked you, he'd watch.

(Ripper growls)

ls... is my dad here?

In the back room.

Wouldn't have paid for that haircut

if I was you.

(Chuckles nervously)

Brother! It's Barry.

Dad, who's that woman?

Oh, I forget her name, but you are

to do everything she tells ya.

Nah, nah, everything's jake.

I took your advice

and got me self a babysitter.

Yeah, hired her on the way home.

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