Mental Page #3

She can live in, too.

Ah. Oi. She's staying in your room.

- Where will I sleep?

- You share with Jane.

I am Jane.

I don't care about that any more.

Tell your problems to what's-her-name.

BARRY:
Feel like a beer, mate?

Great! I'll see you in ten minutes.

I don't have the mechanical man! (Pants)

Fair enough.

That's Michelle. She's mental.

We all are.

I'll be the judge of that.

(Vacuum whirrs)

What are you doing?

ALL:
Coral!

MICHELLE:
She's making us clean!

- Who is?

- Shaz!

- Her dog's crazy.

- Whose dog?

Shaz's dog.

It's gonna kill us if we stop cleaning.

You're the oldest, Coral.

Get rid of her.

She's in there. She's got a knife.

I saw it sticking out of her boot.

(Bubbling)

(inhales deeply)

Gawww! (Coughs) Not bad.

Who are you?

- Coral.

- Oh, like the sea.

The Coral Sea.

I'm Shaz. Just... Shaz.

JANE:
(Mockingly) 'I'm Shaz.'

LEANNE:
(Mockingly) 'I'm tough.'.

Ripper!

(Ripper growls)

(Ripper barks, girls scream)

(Vacuum whirrs)

CORAL:
What are you doing here?

I'm here to fulfil me destiny.

Right a grievous wrong.

See the sights.

Where's ya mum, by the way?

She's...

In Wollongong?

On holiday.

Havin' a wonderful time.

I'm not scared of you.

I work in a shark show.

You're kiddin'.

They're dead,

but... one of them ate Harold Holt.

(Pants tearfully)

(Sobs)

Don't worry, love.

It would've been quick.

Heavy hip-hop music.

(Coughs)

- Patchouli oil?

- She's a hippie.

(Coral squeals, Leanne gasps)

It's pretend.

Hmm... 'Di... dis... agnosum...'

'Diagnostic and Statistical Manual

of Mental Disorders'.

Maybe she's a psychiatrist,

like we wished for. (Chuckles)

G'day...

Sharon Thornbender.

All the way from Tassie.

Nancy. Nancy Boyle.

This is my daughter - Donna.

Jeez, you're a big one,

aren't ya, Donna?

Which house did you say

you'd moved into?

I didn't. You'll have to invite me in

for a cuppa tea, won't ya?

Already been next door.

The Mooch mores?

Could I tell you stories!

Once I saw Shirley Moochmore

standing outside in their backyard...

..screaming.

No!

Her screaming's better

than her singing, though. Ugh!

Close your legs.

She brought it on herself,

in my opinion.

'Course those girls, they're enough

to drive anyone around the bend.

But who let them get that way?

BOTH:
She did.

- Mm.

- Legs.

- Yeah.

Once, um...

once they bought this pool...

Oh! This is...

(Both laugh, snort)

No... No, this... (Laughs, snorts)

(Guffaws, snorts) This is terrible!

(Snorts, laughs)

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

You can't tell her that!

- I won't!

- You can't!

(Cries, laughs)

They got this upright pool...

(Laughs) - ..and they

put it in their backyard,

and... and their backyard's on a slant.

(Snorts, sties laughter)

So all the Moochmores, they all get in.

(Wheezes with laughter)

And then... (Guffaws)

Not all of them - not Barry of course,

'cause you never see him.

But because it's on a slant, they just

go, like, washing to one side...

(Cackles)

- And then the side...

- (Cries, laughs)

- And the side just, like, breaks...

- Side breaks!

(Nancy and Donna cackle, snort)

(Shaz laughs, snorts)

So they just spill out,

all over the yard.

DONNA:
And they oat...

- Rolling out like a bunch of bananas!

Shirley Moochmore. Ugh!

She just starts screaming again!

It's like living next door

to an Aboriginal encampment. (Laughs)

'Cause Mum hates Abos.

And where is Shirley Moochmore

these days?

There's the million-dollar question.

(Ripper whimpers)

(Screaming, commotion)

In all me life, I have never

witnessed a sorrier display.

(Commotion continues, phone rings)

Yep.

WOMAN, ON PHONE:
Shirley?

- Nup. Who's this?

This is Doris Charles speaking.

Ah. Would this be Auntie Doris Charles?

- (Gasps)

DORIS:
Who is this?

This is Auntie Shaz speakin.

Auntie Shaz?

I didn't know Barry had a sister.

Yeah, well, I'm more the auntie ya earn

than the other kind.

- What other kind?

- Your kind. The hairdressin' kind.

I'm not a hairdresser.

Oh. Well, you'd better give Jane

her hair back, then, hadn't ya?

(Phone rings)

OK. Another one.

(Girls laugh and chatter)

It's still me.

You know what they say about youse

in this town?

Hmm? They say youse are freaks.

They say you don't belong.

They say you're good-for-nothing

layabouts who'll never achieve nothin'.

(Angrily) If someone said that about me,

I'd cut their throats.

Why aren't youse out there

cuttin' their throats?

Because it's true.

(Girls laugh)

There's someone outside watchin' us.

(Phone rings)

GIRL:
This'll be good.

- Hello?

DORIS, ON PHONE:
Hello?

- Hello?

- Hello?

(Girls giggle) Hello?!

- I think they hung up.

- Michelle...

..you're holdin' the phone

the wrong way, darl.

'Ello?

- Michelle'?

MICHELLE:
Yeah?

- Can you talk?

- Yeah.

It's Auntie Doris.

Ls everything alright?

Oh. Is that you outside in the car?

Where's your mother?

- On holiday.

- On holiday? Well, where's Barry?

- Where's your father?

- I dunno.

He's never 'ere, is he?

Maybe he's dead

and they forgot to tell us.

(All laugh)

Can you see me at the window?

I'm wavin' at ya. Why don't you come in?

No. No, I can't come in.

She never comes in.

She thinks we're pigs.

- Really?

- We're not pigs now.

It's all tidy in here. See?

Did you break down or something?

We could come out and give you a push.

(Chuckles)

(Girls groan and chortle)

Michelle! Look, who is this Shaz woman?!

G'day! Sharon Thornbender.

All the way from Tassie.

(Screams)

- Put it on speaker! Put it on speaker!

- Don't make any sudden moves, Doris.

He's checkin' to see

if you're a sex pervert.

Can't be too careful. And Ripper here

can sniff out a psycho at ten paces.

(Ripper barks)

Oh! He doesn't like

the smell of you, Doris.

- You're not a sex pervert, are ya?

- No.

Then what are you doing

sitting out here in the dark, then?

Are you some old lezzie

on the prowl for young girls?

Certainly not! I'm married.

- Prove it.

- I have a ring.

Oh, anyone coulda give you that.

Another lezzie coulda give ya that.

You could be head of a coven of lezzies

masquerading as old married women.

Jesus! Ripper, they're in the back!-No!

They're my girls! Don't hurt them!

- Oh!

- What are they?!

They're dolls! I make them for

competitions. They're very expensive.

- Please... just get your dog off!

- Ripper, get off 'em.

Spun out! I thought they was weird

dwarves and you was their leader.

I've won prizes for my dolls.

Gawd! Look at 'em starin'!

Cover 'em up! I'm gonna freak out!

You scalped Jane for one of 'em,

didn't ya?

Your own niece,

so as you could win prizes.

I had Shirley's permission.

Oh, Shirley said

you could chop off her daughter's hair,

put it on some bald doll.

How do you know Shirley?

Where is she?

What have you done with her?

- She's in Wollongong.

- Oh.

Been to Wollongong before, has she?

Yep. I've been hearing a lot

about Shirley around here.

None of it flatterin'. Sounds like

she was a shockin' housekeeper

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