Mental Page #9

(Bangs glass on table)

That a fact?

A little girl once told me

she jumped off a verandah

'cause she didn't like

the look of her own face.

Imagine if that little girl knew

real pain.

Grief. Despair.

Maybe she'd out 'er throat too.

Yeah. (Chuckles)

Or her wrists.

Or try to hang herself in the bathroom

with the elastic from her pyjamas.

Maybe this time we'll be lucky,

and there'll be no five-minute checks

and we can all be free.

I 'ad a family.

We used to sit around a table

and talk about things.

The future.

We had it all.

We just didn't know it.

(snores)

G'day, Trev.

Oh, Coral says sorry

but they've stolen ya shark.

They left this, but.

Oh, mate.

You're not still upset about that,

are ya?

What are you doin'?

No.

She doesn't know

what she does to me...

Jesus! We don't 'ave the time!

..Instinct of conformity

Mate, please.

- (Continues to sing)

- Please!

Help!

(Laughter)

(Speaks indistinctly)

(Laughter)

G'day, Shirley. How was Wollongong?

I wouldn't know, Jack,

I was in a mental hospital.

(Laughs uneasily) ..crazy.

Where have you been

the last three days, Barry?

What?

I said, where have you been

the last three days?

- What?

- And who's she?

- I painted that.

- What?

I see.

So nothing's changed, then, has it?

You're leaving me, Barry.

Actually, you left me a long time ago

but this time you're really leaving me.

What about me election?

What?

- I said what about me election?

- What?

- His election.

- What? What! What!

Oh.

- Where is it?

- Ah!

The plaque! The emergency plaque!

The emergency plaque!

Shirley! Shirley!

I have been savin' this

for a special occasion.

Your very own waterfall.

Named it after you.

Pushed it through the council

last year.

It's in the rainforest

near Mount Warning.

It's only a two-hour hike from

the road - if you use a machete.

Oh...

Shirley Moochmore Falls.

It's true.

I did fall.

I fell, deep in a forest.

And there was no-one there

to hear me.

Except there was someone.

And it wasn't you.

You had a family, Barry. You had a wife.

God created foam

Who created you?

His Son could walk on water

so that is how we knew.

To surf the tube.

Surf the tube Oh, yeah!

You can't have a bee

without a bit of buzz.

You can't expect to smoke a lot

and not have lots of fuzz.

As you surf the tube.

Surf the tube Yeah, Trev!

If JC were on Earth,

what would He do?

He'd surf the tube.

TROUT:
Come on, Trev!

Hello, excuse me.

Um, hi, my name's Shirley Moochmore.

I used to be a patient here.

I was the one who thought her husband

had won Wheel Of Fortune.

Anyway, I'm fine now, thanks to you...

and Prozac, of course.

These are my daughters -

Leanne, Coral and that's Michelle...

We wanna see Sharon Thornbender.

WOMAN:
Shirley!

Sandra!

(All cheer)

They got Shaz in 'ere? (Gasps)

F***! Ya mum's gonna sh*t!

Wait'll they clap eyes on each other!

Mum won't see us.

She reckons we're abnormal freaks.

- Hey, check out our weddin' rings.

- Oh, that's so nice.

We're here to bust Shaz out.

Yeah, that's why we got the koala.

Oh. And there's this.

(Exclaims)

- Don't worry, it's not real.

- No, no. No.

Once she's safe, I'll turn myself in

and plead insanity.

- Ya gone mad.

- I'd do the same for you.

ALL:
Aww...

- You here for Shaz?

- Oh, yes.

Yeah, Shaz says

she doesn't wanna see youse.

Actually, she says she never wants

to see you again. Ever.

They asked me to give you this.

They said you'd understand.

SHIRLEY:
Climb every mountain.

Search high and low.

Follow every byway.

BOTH:
Every path you know.

ALL:
Climb every mountain.

Ford every stream.

Follow every rainbow.

Till you find your dream.

SHIRLEY:
A dream that will need.

ALL:
All the love you can give...

How are you feeling, Nance?

A little zonked?

I'm not surprised.

We put 1,200 volts through ya head.

How 'bout a little walk, hey?

Climb every mountain.

Ford every stream.

Follow every rainbow.

Till you find your dream.

A dream that will need

All the love you can give...

Oh, f*** youse. F*** youse all.

Every day of your life.

For as long as you live...

Nance! Nance!

They can sing! My girls can sing!

Family, Nance. That's what matters.

People accepting you for who you are.

And you accepting them right back.

Mum, I love you, Mum.

..You find your dream...

Oh.

I love you too, Mum.

Aww!

Look at Noxious with the dykes!

(Nancy screams)

(All shout)

Go for it!

She's gone mental again!

Let's go and free your daughter.

Do you believe in surfing?

Do you believe?

Aahhh...

The sun and the buoys, yeah,

the waves, yeah, the crashing seas.

(Continues singing)

Do you believe in surfing?

Do you believe?

Yeah!

(Groans)

Do you believe in surfing

Do you believe, yeah.

Do you believe in surfing?

I believe.

I believe, I believe, I believe,

I believe.

Trevor...

Oh!

Brutal.

- This is it.

- Jane, you take Ripper.

GIRL:
Stand back.

Come on! Come on!

Hit it!

TREV:
Shaz!

Step away from the tank!

Ripper, down.

No, Trev. Not possible.

I'll shoot ya.

(Girls scream)

I'll shoot ya dead.

Yeah? Well, you're gonna have to.

'Cause this time I'm doin' it.

She's gonna be free or I join 'er.

She's dead! Why don't ya let 'er die?

'Cause she calls me!

You hear 'er too! I know ya hear 'er!

'Course I hear 'er!

I hear 'er every day of me life!

In me heart! Me memories!

But not comin' out

of that f***in' shark!

- Trev...

- Shut up, Coral!

- You're in over ya head.

- Ya want it to stop, Trev?

Pull the trigger.

'Cause I can't stop no other way.

Help me. You're the only one

who understands.

Help me.

SHAZ:
Do it.

Do it.

No!

(Screaming)

OK! Forward!

- Go!

- Mum, move forward.

Come on, Trevor!

TREVOR:
Slowly!

- Slowly!

- Slowly!

- Slowly!

- Slowly, Mum!

- Slowly!

I'm going slowly.

Easy.

(Speaks indistinctly)

Be careful, Trevor!

Easy does it.

TREVOR:
What?

- Give me the rope! Chuck it now!

I'm right. Got it, yeah, I'm ready.

Got it. I've got it!

When she clears the tank, pull.

I love you, ya c*nt.

You f***in' mad b*tch.

What now?

- Now?

- Now?

Now!

'Go!

(Shouting)

TREVOR:
Stop!

Trev!

Shaz!

Haunting music.

He looks sorry.

He just wants me to show up

to his campaign launch, that's all.

Come on, Mum. What would Shaz do?

Tell your father I will go.

Under one condition.

Ladies and gentlemen,

he's the current... and future

Mayor of Dolphin Heads City Council,

Barry Moochmore!

(Cheering and applause)

(Audience murmurs)

(Tunelessly) Edelweiss, edelweiss

(Man chuckles)

Every morning you greet me

- What are you doing?

- Piss off.

Small and white.

Clean and bright

Have you lost your mind?

Get stuffed.

You look happy to meet me.

Blossom of snow

may you bloom and grow

Shut up.

Bloom and grow.

Forever Shut the f*** up.

Edelweiss, edelweiss

Shut up.

Bless my homeland...

You'll regret this forever.

Forever.

(Lone guitar strumming)

Edelweiss, edelweiss

(Crowd murmurs)

Every morning You greet me.

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